Moonlighting Season 1 Episode 5

(Maddie decides to accept the case, and tells secretary Agnes to adjust the schedule; only, she may have had help...)

Maddie: Cancel Dr. Fishbein.

Agnes: Already did.

Maddie (looks skeptical): Already did?

David: Is she great or what?

(Early on, the detectives debate whether to take the case)

David: Fate is knocking!

Maddie: I don't hear a thing!

David (to Maddie): A murder is a murder is a murder!

(Back at the office, after the case wraps up)

Maddie: Poor Laura Boyd. I wonder what it's like being a woman men die for.

David: Ah, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Dates keep getting sick, kicking off, not showing up... Want to do something tonight? Get something to eat or something, maybe?

Maddie: Addison, we've been over this before. You know I have to be at home, in bed, alone, by 9:30.

David: Come on, it's not a school night! There's all kinds of great things going on out there. Can't you hear them? Boink, boink, boink, boink...

(At the radio station, in a hallway. Sonny has a gun and opens fire as the detectives run. They hide in the doorway to a side room. David listens for what should be the end of the ammo.)

David: Six bullets!

(He ducks out, then right back in as more shots ring out)

David: Man carries extra bullets. I hate that!

(In Maddie's office; David goads her about being so desperate she's pining for McCain)

David: We can't very well have you out there on the streets of Los Angeles, filled with all these primal urges, embarrassing yourself and the agency, now can we?

Maddie: Stop, while there's still time.

David: I will be more than happy to accommodate any urges, passions or desires you may be filled with and find yourself unable to relieve. (He stares) You understand the offer I'm making you here?

(The day after the binge, David somehow winds up in Maddie's office. She walks in to find him suspended from the back of the door.)

Maddie: What are you doing here? Why are you hanging on my door?

David: Cab driver kept trying to put me on a chair, and I kept sliding out!

Maddie: David, David, David...you look awful! (Helps remove him from door)

David: Don't you 'David, David, David' me, you wanton woman!... That's what I called you, because that's what you are. A wanton woman, a woman who's wantin'! Don't deny it, I know what I'm talking about—I called your house every fifteen minutes last night!

Maddie: You did? That's so sweet!

David: Get your hands off me, you scarlet pimpernel!

(In a bar. Maddie has gone to search the McCain apartment, and David decides to drink away his troubles. He tries to get Maddie on the phone. The machine picks up.)

David: Can you believe she's still not home?

Bartender: Speaking of home!

(David goes back to the bar)

David: She thinks I'm weird. Kinky, unfeeling. I'm not, you know.

(Time passes; after a couple jokes and a lot more drinks, David returns to the heart of the problem)

David: You know what I think? I think she's hung up on this other guy. Not that I care, I don't care! I'm just hurt, that's all. I mean, I think if she's gonna go for somebody, she should go for me! That's all. Not that she has to go for me. I mean, I don't—really care about anything, I don't—okay, all right, all right, I'm insecure! I admit it, it's out, all right, okay? It's normal, right? Did I happen to mention this other guy is dead?...Sure has calmed down here. (Looks around; notices the room is empty) Oh, I guess I've had my limit. You and me have to get together and do this again sometime, Stinky, we think alike! (He falls off the chair, to floor) Hey, Stinky, you missed a spot over here.

David: These things concern me, Maddie. I am not jealous of a dead man!... Hey, lady, look! For me to be jealous of him, he'd have to have something that I want. Which he doesn't.

(Maddie frowns and looks very sour)

David: Look, if I said something to upset you--

Maddie: You couldn't.

(As the detectives head out after talking to Laura)

Maddie: Why is it that the people who have someone always want someone else, and the people who have no one always get left?

David: Come again?

Maddie: Never mind. I was just thinking out loud.

David: No, don't 'never mind' me, I want to understand this! You're hung up on Paul McCain, aren't you?

(Paul's former girlfriend responds when Maddie asks what he was really like)

Laura Boyd: Paul wasn't rich, so I had Arthur. Arthur wasn't rich, so I had Paul... He was a wonderful man, a terrific man—I loved him very much. But the truth, he wasn't quite as good to be with as he was to listen to. He was just wonderful on the radio. Is that a terrible thing to say?

(In Maddie's office)

Maddie: Did you come in here to tell me something?

David: Me?... No. Nothing on my mind except you…and this luxuriously thick head of hair.

(After Maddie shoves David out of the car and onto the street)

David: Was it something I said?

Paul McCain: I'm 34 years old, halfway home, and all I have to show for my life is, well, not much.

David: You're stiff and tense.

Maddie: Not with any other person. Just with you.

David: I make you stiff and tense because I'm the only person in your life! I'll bet you're in bed, alone, by yourself, alone, every night by 9:30!

Maddie: Hah! There are plenty of people in my life. Plenty!

David: Name one. You can't. Because there is none!

David: Now that is what I call a case! Sex, violence, hit tunes--if we crack this thing, they'll make a movie about it! Mel Gibson will play my life! I'll go on TV! I'll talk to David Hartman, Barbara Walters! Women from all over the country will send me letters, make lewd suggestions--is this a wild country or what?