Bobby: Hey everyone? If you could gather around, we wanted to do a little toast.
Elsa: Thank you so much for coming. I can't tell you how happy we were to have you all here.
Bobby: Yes, thank you all for being here for our very special occasion.
Jack: It's not that special. Dad's done it five times.
Bobby: Come on guys, not right now.
Jack: Relax, I'm just trying to light things up a little bit. Get this party started.
Bobby: Well stop it please.
Jack: Oh, okay. I just thought, you know, it's a wedding. Supposed to be a celebration. You know, fun? Oh, okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead, do your thing.
Bobby: Uh, that's rude, you're being rude and insulting. Usually you're such a gentleman.
Jack: Oh, really. I'm the bad guy. For getting you to try to loosen up?
Bobby: I don't need to loosen up.
Jack: Obviously. Having a great time Bobby.
Bobby: Maybe I would be if you would stop talking.
Jack: I will, okay. Give your little speech Skinny (knocks his wine into Elsa's dress)
Elsa: Look, it's okay.
Jack: She's just got some wet clothes. It's all right (has his arm around Bobby) Loosen up buddy.
Bobby: Can you get you arm off of me? (Shoves Jack) I'm serious, okay?
Jack: What is your problem? (shoves him back)
Bobby: Really? Okay. (leaps at Jack and the two start fighting)
(After Bobby starts stressing about the wedding)
P.J.: Is there anything I can do?
Bobby: If you wouldn't mind marrying my dad, I think that would take a lot of the pressure off.
P.J.: (thinks it over for a minute) The question is, could I live with the hat?
George: It is so great to have you and your brother back here. I really miss those vacations when you used to beat the tar out of each other.
Bobby: Oh, yes. Those were the days.
Brendan: Who won?
Bobby: You know, it's really not important. We were just kids. Kids wrestling.
Mike: So Jack won.
George: Every time.
Jack: Well not every time.
Bobby: Thank you.
Jack: Sometimes you bit me.
Bobby: Come on, when?
Jack: (points to his arm) Scar right there.
P.J.: Oh look. It's little Bobby teeth marks.
Jack: He was twenty-two.
Bobby: Okay, what about this one?(points to his side) You remember that? Your archery set?
Mike: Dude that's nothing. (points to lip) Hockey stick.
Kenny: (points to head) Beer bottle.
Brendan: (points to heart) Wendy.
Mike: Ah man, you made it real.
Kenny: A wine-tasting is just a classy way for people to get day-drunk.
Mike: I hate wine. Can I get a beer? (Server shakes his head no) Alright fill it up. (Fills an inch) Keep it coming. (Fills another inch) Come on. Do it. Do it. (Fills to the top)There you go. Cheers. (Chugs the whole thing)
Kenny: Like I said, classy. (Mike burps)
(Jack and P.J. are kissing and when Bobby calls for Jack they quickly back away)
Jack: And that's why they call it California.
P.J.: That is a fun fact. What's up?
Bobby: Have you guys seen like 20 Swedes come by?
Bobby: I think I've lost half of Elsa's family.
Jack: Already? They just got here. Couldn't have gone far.
Bobby: They are a slippery people. (Runs off to find them)
P.J.: Okay, that was too close.
Jack: 30,000 feet. You think we could have a little privacy. (Leans in to kiss her but Stephanie walks by) And that's why California cheese is so dense.
P.J.: It's okay. She knows.
Stephanie: Good cover though. Never would have guessed.
Bobby: Hey guys. If everyone's ready I can show you to your rooms. After that we have the welcome wine tasting. Followed by the welcoming barbeque. It's all printed in your welcome package. We just really want you to feel welcome.
(The gang goes to look around the house)
Mike: Hey, do you think Andy will still feel welcome even if he misses the welcome wine tasting?
Brendan: Maybe. As long as he makes the welcome barbeque.
Brendan: (gestures at Kenny with a cowboy hat) Check out Hoss here.
(Kenny walks over to some girls)
Kenny: Howdy. (They laugh and walk away)
Stephanie: Howdy? Really? Are you trying to repel women?
Kenny: Just you. Howdy howdy howdy. It's not working.
Stephanie: It's embarrasing.
Kenny: Bobby's dad says howdy.
Stephanie: But Bobby's dad is rich. He can say whatever he wants.
Kenny: Fine. I won't say howdy.
Stephanie: And no hat. It makes your puny little head look even punier.
Kenny:Puny's a terrible word.
Jack: Welcome to the insanity that is the Newman family.
P.J.: Hey. I had a really good time at that blues place. Did I dance?
Jack: I believe you did. We both did. You also sat in on harmonica.
P.J.: I did?
Jack: No. But now the dancing part doesn't seem nearly as humiliating, does it?
(The gang arrives at Bobby's dad's house)
Bobby: You guys, this is my father, George Newman.
Elsa: Hello again Mr. Newman.
George: Oh please, call me Dad. (hugs her and turns to P.J.) And you can call me Daddy.
P.J.: Well, that would make sense, since I'm half your age.
George: I like her. Where's your mother?
Bobby: She's coming in tomorrow. She had some benefit.
George: Yeah, she hates me.
Bobby: Yup. She does.
Kenny: So, Mr. Newman, you like horses (gestures at his cowboy outfit)
George: No, deathly afraid of them. But the ladies love the hat. (Points it at Stephanie who laughs) My my. Hello Mrs. Newman number six.
Kenny: You don't want that one. She's evil.
George: That's the way I like them.
(Talking about Kenny being dumped)
Mike: Weddings are the perfect place to rebound. So many sad, pretty girls, realizing their time is running out, they'll fall into the arms of the nearest guy, and that's gonna be us.
P.J.: So you're using Bobby's wedding just to hook up?
Mike: Hell yeah. That's the only reason I'm going.
Bobby: I can get behind that.
(The gang is talking about the wedding)
Brendan: Oh, so your buddy John is definitely going right, because I made him a CD of some great local bands.
Mike: You made him a mixed-tape.
Brendan: No, it's for our bar. It's just some suggestions of some music that I think he's really gonna like.
P.J.: So it's a mixed tape.
Kenny: Hey, high school crush, are we gonna play poker or what?
Stephanie: Oh, what's wrong with him?
Mike: Oh, his ladies found out about his plans to meet someone new at the wedding, and they both dumped him.
Stephanie: Finally, some decent gossip.
(The gang is playing poker at P.J.'s)
P.J.: What about you, Bobby? Don't you have like getting married stuff to do?
Bobby: Elsa kicked me out.
Mike: Ha ha. It's like you're already married.
Bobby: No, no. She said she wanted me to go out and relax. She says I'm tense.
Kenny: Hey, I need cash. From everybody.
Bobby: (Gets up to get wallet) Oh no. I left my wallet in the car. It's great. Great. Now I have to walk outside, and down the stairs and do the whole, (finds wallet) Oh, front pocket.
Brendan: Okay, dude. Um, anything we can do to help?
Bobby: Um, yeah. Yeah, could you work on keeping my father sober, and making sure he doesn't embarass me, or make my mother cry.
P.J.: Is there anything we can pick up for you? Maybe some light errands?
P.J.: (narration after Jack leaves) You see, this is why you should hook up with someone you're never going to see again. Why do I have to make things so complicated? (Passes by Kenny and Stephanie who are making out)
Andy: You know, I'm a minister.
Brendan: I'm a candlestick maker.
Kenny: And I'm President. What are we doing?
Latin America: January 19, 2009, on Sony Entertainment Television.
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