My Name is Earl

Earl: I'm gonna cross that burned barn off my list. Are you ok with that? Randy: Yeah of course, why wouldn't I be? (hears a rooster crow) Earl, that was a rooster. That's a man chicken; they're the meanest of them all. They got that red flappy thing under their mouth; I don't even know what they make that out of. (to Catalina) I'm afraid of birds and I don't care what you think of me. Catalina: It's ok; we all have our fears. I'm afraid of snakes and rape.

Randy: I can't remember with chickens are you supposed to play dead or punch em in the nose.

Farmer: Well I'll be. Earl Hickey. We've been telling everybody around here you're dead. Earl: Nope, not dead yet. But my heart did stop briefly back in 1992, when I got stepped on at a Motorhead concert. Farmer: No its not that; it's just that when we tell the kids the legend of the barn burner, we think its kind of nice to finish it with you being dead. Shot in the face actually.

(Catalina bandages Earl's hand after a nail is driven through it) Catalina: There you go. Now if you do it to the other hand I want to take you to my church so I can watch all the old ladies cry.

Earl: I know you're sorry for what you did back then and when somebody you love is sorry, you forgive em. Randy: I am sorry I burned down that barn, Earl. Earl: I know you are. It's ok. Joy: Oh my god, You two are a couple of fruits. Darnell: I think its sweet. Joy: Then why don't you all go and have a three way. Pack of fruitcakes.

(in bed at the motel) Randy: Do you think an ostrich could get all the way here from the Right Choice Ranch? Earl: Yeah, I mean it could walk that distance if it really wanted to. But I think the chances of it heading in the right direction and getting up the stairs and finding this particular room are pretty slim. Randy: (thinks for a while then gets out of bed) I'm gonna make sure the door is locked.

Earl: Mystery Funland, is gone, they've torn it down. I can't cross you off the list. Dodge: You mean your idiot list? Earl: Is that what your mom calls it? Dodge: Yeah, she puts another word in front of idiot, but, I don't know what it means. The guy in Scarface says it a lot.

Randy: Sir, my name is Earl and I slept with your wife. (guy punches him) Guy: Was it in my own house? In my own bed? Randy: Umm, I'll check. (goes to the car to ask Earl) It was in your own house, but it was on the couch, the counter, the pia....(guy punches him again) Guy: Wait. I've been married a few times. Who are you talking about? Randy: I'll find out. (goes to the car to ask Earl) It was Sheri. Guy: Oh, that's fine. If it was Linda that would be another story.

Joy: Those kids are beyond fixing. They wouldn't even accept them over at that rotten kid's camp. I even ran out of space on the application. How bad do you have to be? Earl: Are you talking about the Right Choice Ranch? Joy: Yeah! Earl: Whose last name did you put on the application? Joy: Yours, Hickey. That's their legal name and Dr Crabmeat here hasn't come up with the $180 to change their names yet. Darnell: Seems like a waste. I like Hickey.

Joy: They are monsters Darnell, those kids are two little monsters. They used my going out lipstick to draw boobs on the car headlights again.

Randy: I don't want to floss, it makes my tongue hurt.

Catalina: When i was young they wouldn't let us drink from the well because of the bodies.

Earl: (Waking up Randy)Wakey, wakey. Hands off snakey.

Joy: You know what? If you do not stop fighting, I swear to God I'll slap you so hard, you will both switch colour.

Crabman: Joy, I'm trying to work. Joy: Sweetheart, you're picking crabmeat out of claws. It's not like you're in the hospital, doing kidney transplantation.