My Name is Earl

(Joy grabs Liberty by her hair) Liberty: Not my weave, not my weave. Talent Scout: Damn! A deweaving, now you can't fake that. Ray-Ray: I better go get that hair.

Randy: (yelling at Liberty) You, go to the back of the bus. (crowd boos) Earl: (voiceover) Randy, may have had the perfect head for wrestling, but his heart was a little too soft, and he just couldn't take the booing. Randy: I'm not really the man. I'm Randy and I'm nice. I like black people, I love Oprah especially when she acts black.

Liberty: (yells at Ray-Ray) Come on, let's go. (Darnell begins to follow) Joy: Darnell? Darnell: Sorry baby, sometimes I just respond to yelling.

Darnell: What's your little man's name? Ray-Ray: Oh, this right here is mister bearded dragon. Yours? Darnell: Mister turtle. Call me if you ever interested in setting up a play date. Ray-Ray: Oh, that be nice.

Liberty: You? Joy: You? Earl, if this whom I'm supposed to met, we're done. I'd rather have a pitbull of puppies stick a litter in me than carry this woman's demon child. Liberty: That pitbull would have to be pretty drunk to knock you up. Earl: Okay, that's a nice icebreaker now let's stop right there while the score's even. Joy: Slut! Liberty: Road whore! Earl: Okay, still tied, two to two.

Catalina: Are you guys done with this gum on the side of the tv? Randy: Pink gum, yes, green gum, no.

Joy: Well, lookie here. Looks like we got us a little private time. You wanna have sex? (opens her overcoat) Earl: Joy, are you crazy? Joy: Crazy for you. Made us some sangria. (hands the bottle to Earl and licks her lips) Earl: I'll drink the sangria, but the days of me and you having sex are over. Joy: I need to get knocked-up, Earl. Juries go easier on pregnant women, and you know I got a deaf lawyer and I'm guilty, so I need all the help I can get, and Darnell's not giving it to me so I need it from you. Earl: Look, it sounds like a perfectly good plan, but I can't be a part of that. Besides, I can't do that to Darnell. Joy: Oh, come on Earl, you spent a few years taking care of one of his babies, now he can take care of one of yours. Earl: Joy, just go home. Joy: God, I've never been 0 for two in one night. Two for three, but never 0 for two. (Randy enters the room) Joy: (opens her coat) Randy, you know where babies come from? Randy: Yeah, the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt. Earl: Joy!

Joy: (yelling at Darnell) Fine. But, just so you know I didn't wash the sheets from last night yet, so I may not need you anyway.

Joy: This pamphlet says that pregnant women have a 50% higher acquittal rate with sympathetic jurors. Double snap! Darnell, get your jammy bottoms off right now. Darnell: Why? Joy: 'Cause, you're gonna get me impregnated so I won't be incarcerated. Damn, I know a lot of big words. Darnell: Joy, that's a terrible reason to have a baby. Joy: A terrible reason? Darnell, the reason I had my first child was a broken condom. Reason I had my second one: because we were standing up, you had a cramp in your leg which prohibited you from making a timely exit. Staying out of jail is the best reason I ever had. (puts her hand under the covers) Now, gimme that thingy and let's do this. Darnell: No, stop pulling on me.

(Liberty hits Randy on the head with a chair) Liberty: Hey, Ray-Ray you can go on the long walk with your stupid lizard, I found a new white devil.

Earl: Anyway, I was hoping to do something to make up for running up your credit card. Liberty: I don't know what you can do, I got all the debt erased. They finally realized a black woman didn't have any use for a tanning bed and Jimmy Buffet tickets.

Liberty: (on the phone) No, I did not buy tickets to Graceland. Elvis stole his music from the black man. Why would I want to see what he bought with the money?

Joy: Liberty. Liberty: Joy. Joy: Parking space says compact, so unless you want a ticket you better move your fat ass. Liberty: What, you'd just say? (Joy backs up her car) Liberty: Whoa, whoa! (she falls inside the car's trunk) Liberty: Oh, hell no! (Liberty takes a knife out of her purse) Joy: Oh, you gonna cut me? Liberty: Oh, yeah! Joy: Okay. What I got? (searches her car) Liberty: Enjoy the parking space, cause you gonna be here a while. (punches the car's tire) (Earl gets out of the car) Earl: Liberty, calm down, okay. Joy: I got a hair spray and a lighter. Hope your man like barbecue. Liberty: Bring it. Earl: Don't test her. I've seen her cook a turkey that way, just, just, go. Liberty: Fine. But, I'm not leaving because I'm scared, I'm leaving to find my man a new parking space.

Joy: Check it out. I was just in my deaf lawyer's office and the most unbelievable thing happen. Earl: She can hear now? Joy: No, you idiot. Randy: She can see through walls? Joy: Yeah, that's it genius, she can see through walls.

(Randy is drinking two glasses of beers at the same time) Randy: I told you the light beer drinks faster. Earl: Well, it only makes sense.

Joy: (Opening her robe to entice Randy) Randy, do you know where babies come from? Randy: (rather nonchalantly) Yeah right at the bottom of that fuzzy lightning bolt.