My Name is Earl

Earl: It's okay to be scared of the dark, Albie. Albie: I'm not scared of the dark. Earl: Alright. But even if you were, it's okay. I'm scared of stuff. Albie: Like what? Earl: Well, like, sewer gators. Y'know, they might come up and bite me when I sit on the toilet, so most times I just kinda hover. Albie: I am scared of the dark, Earl. Earl: I'm gonna help you get over that.

Earl: (voiceover) Turning down the lights that night helped Albie a little bit; but what really helped was just talking. The next night, we dimmed the lights a little bit more and talked about relationships. (to Albie) Why don't you ask her out? Albie: I dunno. What you said really scared me. Earl: Well, Joy's a bad example; not all women are like that.

(Joy is looking at the Detective's hand) Joy: See what I do is push these cuticles back, they'll look a lot more clean. Albie's Dad: Is this the kind of thing you need to be doing right now? Detective: Sir, it's a waiting game.

News Reporter: Camden Police Department has identified the kidnapper as Earl Hickey. With me is the alleged kidnapper's former wife Joy Turner. Joy, what was it like to me married to a monster? Joy: Truthfully, I didn't know he was capable of something like this. But, I know earlier in the week he was talking about spending nights with a boy. News Reporter: So, this was planned? Joy: Yes. But, it was okay, cause the boy was on his list. News Reporter: He has a list of boys?

Earl: Joy, do you remember a few months ago when Dodge was scared of the dark? Joy: Yeah! Unfortunately, that was my fault cause when he heard us having sex I told him it was me fighting off the wolf man. (flashback scene) Dodge: Mommy, are you okay? Joy: Go to bed honey. Mommy's just fighting off the wolf man again. (flashback ends) Earl: So, how did you cure him? Joy: Fortunately, he got brave one time and walked in to save me and saw that there was no wolf man, just Darnell ploughing me. Darnell: He still won't look me in the eye.

(Earl and Randy are rushing to steal as many things as they can) Joy: (standing by the fridge) Would you two dummies relax? (points to a note on the fridge) Aunt Edna's birthday party from 5 to 8. We got all night. Now, who wants rich people food? (opens the fridge) Ohhh, ya'll they got real cheese. (the home owners return) Earl: (voice over) Unfortunately, the family only left to pick up the guest of honor. Aunt Edna's birthday party was here and that changed our plans from robbing to get the hell out.

Earl: (voiceover) You may wonder why me and Randy are hiding in the bushes, watching a little kid. Well it all started about six years ago, and I don't mean our watching little kids. (cut to Joy, Randy and Earl hiding in the bushes casing a house)Joy had recently given birth to my first illegitimate child, and we didn't have a fancy nanny; so every day was take your baby to work day.

Randy: Look Earl! He's got a trampoline! We should steal it and put it in the motel parking lot, then we could use it to go up and down from our room without ever having to use the stairs.

Earl: (voiceover) I explained my list and the whole boogeyman misunderstanding to Albie. And I realised if you talk to kids like they're adults, they'll treat you with the same respect. Albie: You're a buttwad and I hate you!

Earl: Sometimes the people on my list; they choose how I'm gonna make things up to them. Albie: So… whatever I say, you have to do, buttwad? Earl: Yeah, that's kinda how it works. Albie: Be my slave, all day! Randy: You should do it Earl! Being a slave could be cool; you get to sing while you work!

Earl: (voiceover) Albie's suggestion was a little childish. But he was just a kid. (cut to Albie shooting Earl with paintballs) Unfortunately, he handled firearms like an adult.

Randy: How's being a slave? Is it fun? Earl: No it isn't fun Randy! I got shot with paintballs, was used as a motorboat and was forced to race his dog on all fours! Randy: That's not fair Earl. Dogs are used to racing on all fours. I bet he won. Did he win? Earl: Yeah, he won.

(Joy is giving Darnell a manicure) Darnell: This feels weird. Joy: It's not weird. It's metro-sexual. Pretty soon metro-sexuality's gonna hit Camden County and when all the men start turning into half fruits, Joy's Nails is gonna be ready.

Albie: I was wondering… what's it like having a moustache? Earl: (thinks for a moment) Let me give you one piece of advice, Albie. The second your body is ready: grow one.

Earl: Well no one really knows for sure, but I like to think the first thing that happens in heaven is you get to watch your life on TV. Albie: That's cool. So one day we might both be watching this on TV? Earl: Yeah, maybe. Albie: (waves at the ceiling) Hey dead Earl! Earl: (waves at the sky) Hey dead Albie!

Randy: I still can't believe you didn't call me when you were playing paintball. It combines two of my favourite things; toy guns and paint.

(sees the police and SWAT team gathering outside the motel) Earl: Oh my God! They think we're… I'm gonna go out and explain everything to them. Albie: I don't wanna go home. If you go out there I'll tell them you kidnapped me. Earl: And I'll tell them I didn't. Albie: Then I'll tell them you did. Randy: And I'll tell them you didn't. Albie: (to Randy) Then I'll tell them you put my underwear on your head. Randy: Uh oh… I'm sorry Earl. I really did think it was a mask.

Earl: How long do you think we can stay locked up in here? We don't even have any food! Just give up! Albie: (opens the door and yells out to the cops) They said they're gonna kill me if you don't give us pizza! Earl: Albie, what are you doing?!? Randy: Hey, tell them we'll still kill ya if it's not pepperoni.

(on TV) Joy: I just wanna say one thing. If you're looking for a reasonably priced manicure, that's gentle enough for a woman but man enough for a half fruit: Call Joy's Nails. We're in the book!

(the cops shots tear gas into their room) Randy: Look Earl, fancy smoke, but it's making me sad. Earl: Put it down. Randy: No it's pretty.

Earl: See, your dad cares about you. Albie: His just saying that because the cameras are there, he doesn't want to look like a bad dad on tv.

Albie: How come there's two of you and only one deodorant? Randy: We're brothers so we share. Earl: We do?

Albie: What's on your face? Earl: Snails. I stop swatting them off around midnight.