My Name is Earl Season 1 Episode 6

(in the Shelter for wayward girls)
Joy: (1st girl) Too little. (2nd girl) Too Tall. (3rd girl) My god, too many damn freckles. (4th girl) You're cute but you just don't have that 'it' factor. (5th girl) and how old are you?
5th girl: Seven.
Joy: Open your mouth (looks inside her mouth)
Lady: What do you think you're doing?
Joy: I'm adopting.

Earl: How come you never told me you won a beauty contest?
Joy: Everyday I walk out of my front door I win a beauty contest. Did you get me my hot tub yet?
Earl: Better. I'm gonna get you a prettiest pretty figurine.
Joy: You can't buy those Earl.
Earl: No, but you can win 'em.
Joy: Oh yeah! What, you and your momma gonna enter the next pageant? Whatcha gonna do, put your moustache in pigtails?

Candy: My mom's boyfriend broke up with her....
Shelly: Watch your tongue little miss mouthy.
Candy: Yesterday.
Shelly: I broke up with him. You can't rely on men. My mother told me that but did I listen, no. (to Randy) I bet you're not reliable.
Randy: Not really
Shelly: No man is. We're all alone. We're all alone in this world.

Earl: She only ever got one figurine and I blew it up. Damn!
Mrs Balboa: Language.

((Earl wakes up and finds Randy clipping his toenails)
Randy: They are always jabbing me and its easier to do this while you're sleeping.
Earl: Thank God, I was starting to worry they weren't growing.

(Earl enters the room with the shopping bag )
Earl: Joy I've told you a million times the money isn't in the room. Stop breaking in here and messing the place up.
Joy: Fine, but if you get to eat fancy cereal your kids should too. (takes the cereal from the bag and walks out)
Earl: (shouting) They're not my kids Joy.

Earl: (voice over) Winning a hundred thousand dollars in the lottery has opened the door to the finer things in life.
Randy: Where have you been?
Earl: Food shopping. (hand him a box of cereal)
Randy: You got real frosted flakes?
Earl: No more generic sweetie bix for you brother. You riding on the karma train now.
Randy: Choo-choo!

Joy: Hi, me and my momma's dead ashes would like to enter this contest.
Registration Lady: Well there is no rule that says a mother or daughter can't enter even if there not. . . with us anymore.

(Shelly just threw knives at Earl)
Randy: You gotta let me try that.
Earl: Do not let him try that!

Crabman: Hey Earl. Temporary tattoos. You want 'em?
Earl: No thanks Crabman. Make me itch.

Earl: I'll be back with your figurine.
Joy: Yeah, and I'll be butt naked behind the trailer waiting for my hot tub.

(Walking in on Joy)
Catalina: What do you think you're doing
Joy: Hi Carolina!
Catalina: It's Catalina.
Joy: Hmmm, potato, tomato. So where does Earl keep his money?
Catalina: Earl is my friend, I'm not going to help you steal his money.
Joy: Yeah, well, that's unfortunate for you because you're not the one standing with the freshly broken bottle, now are you? (holds up a unbroken bottle and tries to break it two times; unsuccessfully) This will still hurt if I hit you with it.

Candy: I wanna be a doctor some day.
Earl: Candy, there are too many doctors in the world. And if I don't get that figurine, I have to buy my ex-wife a hot tub, and hot tubs cost a lot o' cake. So you need to listen to your mother.

Candy: Won't it hurt if I throw a knife in your leg?
Earl: Nah. Don't worry about it. I've been stabbed by plenty of girls. It only hurts when you twist, pull it out, and stick it back in.

Earl: Candy.
Candy: Yeah.
Earl: I want you to hit me with the knife.
Candy: What?
Earl: Hit me in the leg. It's the only way your nut job mother's going to let you off the hook.

Candy: Mom, I wanna be a doctor someday.
Shelly: Honey, if I wanted a doctor in the family, I would have made a boy.

Earl: That's your bathing suits? Are you kidding me? If we're going to win this thing, you're going to have to show more skin.
Shelly: Relax. It's all going to come down to the talent. Besides, I can't wear a bikini. (Motioning towards Candy) Somebody couldn't find their way out of mommy, so I had to mutilate my stomach with a C-section.

Tim Stack: Welcome the the 46th annual Balboa and Son's Mother Daughter Prettiest Pretty Princess Pageant. Here's your MC for the evening. You know him from tv's Son of the Beach and he was recently robbed of a spot on Dancing With the Stars, Mr. Tim Stack.

Catalina: Two Jacks, that's War.
Randy: No, no, no. Catalina, in this country, that's called truce...and we hug. We're a peaceful nation.

Shelly: I can't believe you were married to Joy Darvel. I haven't thought how much I am better than her in years.

(Earl wakes up from a dream.)
Earl: Balboa and Son's Lawnmowers.
(Earl sees Randy clipping his toe nails.)
Randy: They're always jabbin' me and it's easier to do this while you're sleepin'.
Earl: Thank god. I was starting to worry they weren't growing.

Emcee: Joy hails from Camden, County. Where she enjoys feeding, sheltering and cleaning the poor.

Woman: (looking into urn) There's a cigarette butt in here.
Joy: Well, that makes sense. That's what took her.