My Name is Earl

Joy: Thank you babies. You boys leaving for a whole week is the best mothers day gift a mom could ask for. Darnell: (holds out the tip jar) Here's some extra spending money. Can you empty it out now? I need the jar for Mr Turtle so I don't have to buy him a seat on the bus. Joy: Oh yeah (empties jar) Here you go. Bye boys. Dodge: We promise not to call Mommy. Joy: Oh, wouldn't answer if you did.

Joy: Damnit, who keeps putting Mr. Turtle in the toilet?

Earl: (voiceover) I felt bad we forgot about mother's day, 'cos this wasn't the first time we had to scramble at the last minute to get her a gift. Back when we were kids all we had to do was wait for someone smaller, weaker and more prepared for mother's day. (cut to young Earl and Randy waiting to tackle Kenny) We knew we'd find something good 'cos Kenny's backpack was the same place we did our Christmas shopping.

Earl: (voiceover) Stolen coupons sure made mom happy; until she realized we'd never let her cash any of them in. (Kay is waiting for Earl and Randy to bring her breakfast in bed) Kay: Those little jerks aren't coming back are they? Carl: Nope.

(Randy finds a shoebox buried in the garden) Randy: Hey look Earl, somebody buried a pair of shoes. Earl: Randy, hold on! Randy: Aah! It's a cat's skeleton! I should name him Crackers after our cat that used to sleep in the street.

Randy: What about number 42 - cut holes in all of dads shirts to show his nipples. Earl: No his nipples have drooped down like 6 inches so that one kind of crosses itself off.

Randy: Hey Earl, there's a long skinny dog lying down in the back seat. Oh wait he's standing up, he just doesn't have any legs. Maybe it's a snake… do snakes have hair? Billy: They do when they're ferrets. You scared? Is that it growed up Earl? You're scared I'll take another car off you? Huh? You scared? You should be, 'cos I'm Billy Reed. You know how many girls I've had sex with? (holds up five fingers) Five.

Patty: Alright lets get this show on the road! I got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet!

Earl: I won Billy, the car's mine. Billy: Fine you get the car, but it was a close race; I still got my dignity. Patty: Hey Billy! Is it ok if I cancel your appointment to suck my feet? I'm just not feeling it anymore.

Carl: Idiot, that car wasn't for me that was going be your car when you turned 16. Earl: What? Carl: Yep. So I guess I'm not the one who should be on that list. (grabs the list and writes on it) 'Lost my own car because I'm an idiot.

Earl: I'm on my own list. What the hell am I supposed to do about this? Randy: Can't you just forgive yourself and cross it off? Earl: I don't want to forgive myself Randy. I mean my life would have been a lot better if I had that mustang. I wouldn't have lost my virginity in a public bus. Randy: And I wouldn't have had to watch.

Earl: Mom said I could fix the car here. I can't work on the car at the motel, every time you slide under somebody tries to steals your shoes. Carl: I told you, I don't want the car. Earl: I'm not doing this for you dad. I lost myself a car, I owe myself a car. I'm doing this for me. Carl: Yeah, well fixing a car is a lot of work. So let me know when you give up and I'll call the junkyard.

Carl: You're putting a 1970 carburettor in a 65? Earl: It'll fit. Carl: Sure it'll fit. That size 4 dress will fit your mother, but I wouldn't take her out in it.

Earl: So I was supposed to be named Carl? Carl: Yep, after me. But on your birth certificate… I've always sucked at cursive so I put an extra loop on the C, so the C looked like an E… and here you are. Earl Hickey.

Earl: (voiceover) And then it came to me. What I had cheated myself out of all those years ago wasn't a car. It was a chance to have some quality time with my dad. And now that I got that, I can cross myself off my list. (crosses himself off the list) Carl: Well here you go (gives Earl the car keys) Now the paint's not totally dry so don't let Randy slide across the hood like he always wants to.

Billy: You scared? You better be, 'cause I'm Billy Reed! Do you know how many girls I've had sex with? (holds up four fingers) Four. Earl: (voiceover) That was the day I learned I had trouble backing down from a challenge. Young Earl: Come on Randy, lets go get Dad's car. Billy Reed: See ya at the drag strip PeeWee! Ed: Who was the fourth girl? Billy Reed: I counted Trisha twice, 'cause I got her with and without her back-brace on.

Earl: Mom, dad hates me. Mom: Oh, hate's a strong word. Dad: (walks into the room) Kay, I remembered the combination, 3/14/89, it's the day Earl moved out.

Randy: You're gonna do something for your mom, Catalina? Catalina: My mother is dead. Randy: I'm sorry. Catalina: Oh, it's ok, it was either her or me.

Joy: I told you I could drive just fine. Randy: I drove, you were steering with a paper plate in the passenger seat. But, you did get a couple of turns right.

(Joy is on the floor and a pitcher of beer falls on her) Joy: Damn it! Who threw their drink on me?

Randy: (to Earl)Number 67, ran over crackers. What kind of crackers did you run over? Saltines? Did it make a crunchy sound?