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Earl J. Hickey
There is a scene that got cut from the TV version, where Earl (when he is trying to make Natalie angry) walks into the den with a strap around his wrist and asks her "did you hide my junk"? This scene can be found in DVD version.
In this episode, Catalina has worked at the motel for a year.
"Happy Together" by The Turtles
"Saturday In The Park" by Chicago
"Bad To The Bone" by George Thorogood and The Destroyers
"These Boots Are Made For Walking" by Nancy Sinatra (Closing scene)
Introduced and crossed off in this episode
#84 Faked death to break up with girl.
#203 Stole various snacks and drinks from a local Quickstop.
"Faked death to break up with girl" is said to be #84 in the episode, but in the opening of the show it is shown as #62.
Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina: she's a woman just like Natalie. They're both women, her and Natalie. You and I are men. We're not women.
Earl: Sometimes Randy takes a long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina 'cause we are men and they are women. I'm right, right? I'm not wrong... Am I wrong?
Randy: Catalina, how often do you clean the bed spreads?
Catalina: I dunno, I've only worked here for a year.
(Natalie knocks on Earl's door)
Earl: Come in.
Natalie: What's going on?
(Earl and Catalina are in bed under a blanket)
Earl: Oh just blowing off a little steam, having a good time. Can't a guy have a party around here without getting hassled? Get off my back. (goes back under the covers)
Natalie: You're right Earl. Sorry, for interrupting. Just have fun and call me when your done.
Earl: (drinks a can of beer) Ahhh! Excuse me. (stands up to relieve himself)
Natalie: Honey, don't you think it would be better to relieve yourself a little further away from the blanket?
Dirk: Hey, Earl. Don't tell me your hooker works here too?
Earl: You're supposed to be dead.
Dirk: Yeah, I know. Thanks for the idea. I was just about ready to make a paper mache noose and hang myself at a picnic.
Natalie: Hey Dirk. Still getting your mail. It's from the clinic. Somebody got themselves an STD.
(hands Dirk a couple of pieces of paper)
Dirk: I can deal with that.
Natalie: Turn the page…
Dirk: Aww crap... Damn shower caps.
Dirk: Hey Earl. Is there a condom machine around here?
Earl: No Dirk.
Dirk: (looks at maid trolley) Hey, what are these?
Catalina: Shower caps.
Dirk: That could work…
Earl: She told me she loves me.
Earl: I was nice to her like you told me to and she told me she loved me. She even rubbed her nose against mine. Real soft.
Randy: What'd that feel like?
Earl: It tickled for a second. But then it itched.
Catalina: You must have been too nice to her.
(Natalie and Earl are doing papier mâchè)
Earl: I started to make you a magical fairy, but I ended up with ah… a magical clump. (holds up paper mache clump).
Natalie: Thanks. It's a very nice clump. I'll name him Alexander. Alexander the clump.
Earl: Or Pepe. How bout Pepe the clump?
Natalie: I don't get it. Why Pepe?
Earl: Oh Pepe's a name. I think its Mexican.
Natalie: The police found his car in the woods, with blood in it. (her crying becomes very high-pitched) I think he might have been killed!
Randy: (cringing) Earl, is she going to keep squeaking like that? It's making my toes hurt.
Dirk: Sorry I'm late, sweetie. I hit the gym; took the fast train to ab town. (sees Earl and Randy) Are you being robbed?
Natalie: No. This is my ex boyfriend Earl.
Dirk: The one with the stripper?
Earl: No, I'm the dead one.
Earl: (voiceover) When her parents came out and visited, we all got our faces lasered in crystal. I knew things were getting too serious. I had to get out. I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I figured there was only one thing to do.
(cut to Randy knocking on Natalie's door)
Randy: Earl's dead. He was lost at sea, this is all they found of him (holds up a wet AC/DC t-shirt) I thought you'd want it. (drops the shirt on the ground and leaves)
Earl: (voiceover) We were not cut from the same cloth. But no matter how different we were there was one thing we both liked (shot of them fooling around). Besides I didn't want to run out on her. She had been hurt before.
Natalie: (showing Earl a scrapbook) This is Ted.. he left me for a stripper. That's a lock of his hair. That's a lock of the stripper's hair. That's a lock of my sister's hair… which leads us to John.
Earl: (voiceover) Even though I took home a Harley and ended up with a moped, I decided to give it a shot. I mean why not? She was cute and had a satellite that sent kung fu movies from space.
(Dirk faked his death to break up with Natalie as well)
Earl: You faked your death too?!
Dirk: Yeah, thanks for the idea! I swear, I was about to paper-mache myself a noose and hang myself at a picnic!
(To the woman at the floral shop.)
Randy: Ma'am, these vases always gonna make that sound when I'm drying them. The squeakin' makes my toes hurt.
Natalie: My little butterfly flew away, but he came back. He came back.
Earl: And like a butterfly, I too was trapped. But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.
Randy: Being dead is definitely worse than being alive. When you're dead, you can't do all the cool stuff you can do when you're alive. You and I, we can do all kinds of cool stuff 'cause we're livin'. We're not dead. We're alive. If we were dead, we wouldn't be able to do all the cool stuff we can do because we're alive. Dead people can't do cool stuff. Only people that are alive can do cool stuff, because they're livin'. And you have to be livin' to be able to do cool stuff. You have to be alive. Yeah, except, when you're alive, sometimes bad stuff happens, too. Like sometimes you can get in a car wreck, or you can have a headache, or twist your ankle, or even stub your big toe. So bein' alive is kinda hard, too. But I think it's definitely better than being dead.
Randy: Maybe you should listen to Catalina, she's a woman just like Natalie. They're both women, her and Natalie. You and I are men, we're not women.
Earl: (voice over) Sometimes Randy takes the long road to a simple thought.
Randy: You see, men think different than women. You and I think different than Natalie and Catalina, because we're men and they're women. I'm right, right? I'm not wrong. Am I wrong?
Randy: Are you gonna tell her that he's alive? She thinks he's dead, but he's not. He's not dead. He's living. He's alive. He's not dead like she thinks he is.
The Czech episode title is "Předstíral jsem vlastní smrt", meaning "I Faked My Own Death".
Original International Air Dates:
Germany: August 8, 2008 on RTL
Czech Republic: September 10, 2009 on Prima COOL
Dax Shepard (Dirk) and Ethan Suplee (Randy Hickey) also appeared together in "Without a Paddle".
Although credited, Jamie Pressly (Joy Turner) and Eddie Steeples (Darnell Turner) do not appear in this episode.
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