My Name is Earl

Earl: Stop freaking out. Look, I've accidentally exploded tons of stuff in my life and nothing been traced back to me. Now the important thing is we go about our normal business and act casual. Got it? See, this what I'm talking about. Ms McCulin, rocking with your hands buried in your crotch is not acting casual. Ms McCulin: But, I'm nervous.

Randy: It's okay, you can get him with the next bomb, you just have to delay it a little. Ms Hardin: They're gonna call this terrorism. Black teacher: We're going to Guantanamo. Game, set, match.

Earl: I'm gonna kill em. I swear to God, I'm really gonna kill em. Ms Hardin: Now, you're sounding like a real teacher. In two weeks you'll have gained 20 pounds and stop shaving anything. Earl: They're total bastards. Those kids didn't listen to a single thing I said when all I was trying to do was help em. And how do they thank me? They put my car on it's side. Randy: Oh! Black teacher: Don't be a hero Hickey. Just take a knee. Earl: I can't believe you guys. When are you going to stand up and fight. (to Principal) You're in charge. This is your school. (scoffs) I'm serious. We need to treat them exactly like they treat us. Principal: Look, what do you want from us? We're not allowed to hurt the kids. At least not physically. I don't have the energy to hurt them emotionally. Earl: I'm not talking about hurting them. I'm just taking about giving them a little anonymous taste of their own medicine. Or their own saliva in the case of what they did to your soup Ms McCulin. Ms McCulin: They spit in my soup? When? Earl: Well, Mrs Hardin says they do it everyday. Ms Hardin: I didn't tell you cause I know you like your soup, and I didn't want to make you upset. Ms McCulin: They gave me mono. Earl: It's time to fight back. (points on each teacher) For the exploding cigrettes. For the duct tape. For the super glue. And for what Ms Hardin told me, they rubbed on your coffee mug. Ms Hardin: They put their privates in it. Again, I didn't want to upset you.

Earl: What the hell! (Earl's car is flipped on the side) Randy: I don't remember you parking the car like that. (kids laugh) How'd I even get out?

Summer: Um, Mr Hickey can I talk to you? Earl: Sure, Summer. Summer: It's a little embarrassing but I don't want to be a loser. I don't wanna lose at rock, paper, scissors to a monkey. Earl: Look, he threw rock six times in a row, and just when I caught on to the pattern, scissors.

Joy: What the hell is this? You better hope that Catch a Predator guy doesn't come in here and see you with all these kids. Earl: Nice. Joy, why don't you tell these guys why they don't wanna be like me. Joy: Well, he's not very smart. I mean, the first time he saw YMCA he thought it was pronounced youmca. Plus, I once saw him dive into an empty pool. (laughs) That was actually a funny day. He hit his head so hard he took a dump in a cat box. Earl: Yeah, that's a true story. Plus, that cat caught me in her box and tried to scratch me a new one. Now, that wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed in school. Darnell: Earl's right. With a good education you can do whatever you want. Boy: Did you graduate high school? Darnell: With honors. Boy: Then why are you working in a dump like this? (kids laugh) Darnell: (angrily) Life can get complicated man. You don't know what I've been through. I've seen the darkest parts of a man's soul. Things that would make a horror movie look like The Hughleys.