My Name is Earl

Randy: Tiffany! Make out with (Earl), but stop if he starts to choke. Joy: Yes. Please have her stick her tongue in a zombie's mouth 'cause this situation ain't quite wrong enough as it is.

(T.R., in his wheelchair, approaches Earl's wheelchair and deliberately bumps him.) T.R.:What'cha lookin' at, risky business? (Getting no response he fakes a lunge at Earl.) T.R.: I bet you just added a pint to your catheter bag.

(Randy takes a small sponge out of Earl's mouth and addresses the bartender.) Randy: Can I get a refill on this?

(In the imaginary TV sitcom Earl approaches Randy, who is in a near fetal position on the couch. Earl shows Randy a small stuffed teddy bear.) Earl: OK, Randy. Show me on the bear where the bad neighbor touched you. (Randy takes the stuffed bear, spreads the bear's legs open, he grimaces, and begins to cry.) Randy: He doesn't have one! Canned audience: Awwww.

(Randy is looking over Earl's karma list) Randy: "Number 116: Rolled John Fenster down a hill in a porta-potty." Do you think Earl would mind if we did that to him? Darnell: Randy, if you were in a coma would you want someone rolling you down a hill in a porta-potty? Randy: Let me think. (Randy closes his eyes and goes on an imaginary roll down a hill in a porta-potty, smiles, then grimaces then goes into a tortured face.) Randy: Hah, ah, oh, oh no. No, I would not! (Darnell smiles and nods.)

Darnell: Did the hospital need the bed? It's nice to see they throw white folks out too.

(Randy wheels Earl into the Chicken Shack in a kicking boom box wheelchair. Crab Man and Joy check out the sounds and lights from the pimped-out wheelchair and smile appreciatively.) Joy: Oh, snap! Darnell, I'm tempted to cripple you just to get you one of those. Darnell: I'm tempted to let you do it.

Randy: Every open I stick my finger in, I get a different reaction. Patty: Heh. Sounds a lot like my job.

(Earl is in the hospital in a coma with orderlies moving Earl's get well gifts out and hauling his ass out of bed.) Earl's narrative: Like most month old vegetables, the hospital wanted to throw me out. Nurse: (To Randy) We can put him in a county run long term care, or...you can take him off our hands and receive a one-time payment of two thousand dollars in Camden cash...redeemable in more than six local businesses! (Randy sees a Paintball coupon on top of the "cash.") Randy: Paintball! Karma wouldn't dangle Paintball in front of us if it weren't a sign. We'll take it!

Earl: I was having this crazy dream, we were all really old and we'd spend our whole lives together. Randy: That doesn't sound crazy. That's just about perfect. Earl: And I was married to Billie. Darnell: Billie? Who's he? Joy: Oh crap, I think Karma made him gay!