My Name is Earl

Earl: You know the kind of guy who confesses to a crime he didn't commit so his ex-wife won't have to go to prison, the kind of guy who leaves his brother all alone and his friends with nothing to jump for? Well, that's me. And for the next two years, my name is inmate number 28301-016.

(Joy makes a quilt depicting memories from Earl's life) Joy: You like it? I used up all my felt. Earl: It's amazing. These are all scenes from my life? Joy: Yeah, it's like a straight version of one of those AIDS quilts. Earl: Thank you Joy. I won't forget this. Ha, ha! (Looks at embroidery on quilt) That's when I got chicken pox. (Looks at another section) And you were...off banging Darnell. Joy: Well, I was trying to be accurate. Earl: Thanks. Joy: You hate it. I knew you'd hate it. Earl: Joy, I don't hate it. I said it was nice. Joy: No, I see how it is. I mean you like me feeling guilty. No matter how many of the kids winter coats I cut up for you we'll never be even. 'Cause you like to hold this over my head, don't you? Well bravo, you son of a bitch, bravo. (Clapping) Randy: Do I have time for a question right now? Joy: No, you wait your damn turn you stupid yeti. (To Earl) And by the way, would you tell your stupid brother to stop calling me every 20 minutes asking me what time it is. Dumb ass already lost his job. Randy: Well, that's 'cause no one will show me how to set this thing.

Earl: (Voice over) The problem is, gangs in prison are divided up like my Dad's sock drawer....by color. I was too white to join the Latino gang, the Asian gang or the Black gang and not white enough to join the Albino gang. Albino inmate: I'm telling you man we gotta take back the shady part of the yard. Earl: (Voice over) So, I went with the only gang that might take me. The White Supremacists. Which meant unlearning what every after school special had taught me. Don't be yourself. Earl: (To Aryans) Hey, who else thinks the Civil War ain't over, it's just halftime.

Earl: So, where's Joy? Darnell: She's feeling pretty guilty about you going to prison for her, she didn't want to come empty-handed. (Darnell and Joy at home) Joy: I give up. I am just not crafty. Darnell: What's the matter, baby? Joy: This sand blast portrait of Earl. I just can't make it give off his angelic essence. I even installed half this glass from a church window. Darnell: I like it. It looks exactly like Earl would like if he was made out of glass. Joy: Does it matter if you like it Darnell? Were you the shinning hero to sacrifice your freedom to save me from a life in prison having to pee in front of a short-haired woman named Trudy? This is not good enough for Earl. I hate it. (Wipes glass of the table) Darnell: I'll get the broom. (Scene cuts back to the prison) Darnell: She'll come visit once the search for the church window thief dies down. There's a lot of heat right now. It could be a while, they were Lutherans.

Earl: Catalina, I don't think you realize what you're doing to these prisoners coming in here dressed like that. Catalina: I don't like to change at work. There is a new girl who steals your pants and then sells them back to you at unreasonable prices.