My Name is Earl

Philo: (to Earl) I usually obey the law, but what are they going to do, give me a ticket when I'm dead?

Philo: (to Earl and Randy) Hey, why don't you guys come in and watch my old wrestling tapes from high school. I wasn't on the team or nothing but me and my sister had some really close matches.

Joy: Hey, do me a favour? Put your hand on my leg right here and just rub it around. You like that darling? I shaved above the knee today. Philo: This is so much better than a doll.

Earl: Hey Crabman, need a few beers. Darnell: Sorry, boss said I can't serve you til you fix that pipe in the bathroom, it sprays people when they flush. Luckily, only a few people have flushed so far.

Earl: Hey Crabman, I was looking to have a word with Joy. Darnell: Hey Earl, come on in. We're just fighting. Joy's jealous. Joy: I'm not jealous. You're the one that should be jealous, I can't even walk down the street without guys offering to do me. Darnell: I take that as a compliment. I don't get jealous. Joy: That's a lie, everybody gets jealous. Hell, even frogs get jealous. I saw that on tv. That's what all that croaking's about.

Earl (thinking) You may think me asking my ex-wife for help was crazy. But, sometimes, you have to fight crazy with crazy.

Joy: (to Darnell) Victoria Secret is just as bad. Just cause they're classy doesn't mean they're still not whores. (throws the magazine in the trash)

Catalina: Excuse me, I'm hot. Philo: You're okay, but, compared to my girl you look like on of those things from Lord of the Rings that crawled out of the ground and attacked the castle. Catalina: This uniform is not flattering. You should see me in jeans and a bra.

Earl: Catalina, I need to ask you a favour? I got this guy who needs something to live for..... Catalina: I'm not sleeping with that man. Earl: No, no, of course you're not. Just make out with him a little. Catalina: No thanks. I can smell him from here.

Earl: That's a real interesting birth mark you got on the back of your neck. Philo: My mom hit me with a curling iron because I spilt cereal on the carpet. It didn't even have milk in it. Earl: So, your mom wears her hail curly, huh?

Earl: Why do you want to kill yourself? Philo: Because, I don't have a job, I don't have any friends, I live in a trailer with no heat, I fail at everything and my feet hurt. Earl: You ever tried wearing different shoes?

Earl: What are we supposed to do? Just stand here and watch him get run over? Randy: No I don't wanna see it. But if we get in our car and hear a thump and a scream? That's none of our business.

(Philo says he has to go tinkle) Randy: Tinkle? That's so stupid. I wonder what he calls going ploppies?

Philo: I thought we were on a date. Joy: It was a date, but not all dates are good ones, honey. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doin' a black man in the bathroom.

Earl: I just can't walk away from the guy. Randy: Then let's run, Earl. Let's run away from him. We can make it a race. It'll be fun.

Randy: You're breathing loud. Philo: It's because you made me use toothpaste. It makes the sores in my mouth sting.

Joy: You that weird guy who like to watch me take my underwear off? Philo: One of them. Yes ma'am.

Earl: (to Joy) I heard you're wearing underwear again. Good for you.

Earl: You can't date Joy, she's married. Philo: I know she's not happy. She's always yelling at her husband. Earl: Oh, that's her happy. She's just a bitch.

Earl: You like Joy? Philo: Joy? Classy name for a classy lady.

Earl: (to store clerk) I-Pod, huh? Is that some kind of space capsule?

Randy: (to Earl) Are you going to start helping people that aren't on your list? Cause, if you do, you'll never finish and get back to stealing. Earl: You don't really understand my list, do you, Randy? Randy: No.

(Philo sneezes in Earl's face) Earl: You know, most people cover their mouths when they do that.

(Philo is lying in the street and a truck is coming) Randy: It's okay Earl, the carpet will protect him.

Earl: I have this list.... Philo: And, you want me to give you a dollar, right?

Joy: Darnell, I don't know why you'd want to look at Miss February anyway, when you got all this right here?Darnell, you better look at my boobs when I'm talking about them.