My Name is Earl

Earl: (voiceover) Sometimes after a rain, Randy likes to come down to where the storm drain lets out into the river and look for what he calls treasure. Randy: (collects a dolls head with a net) Another dolls head, Earl! That makes four. Just think… if these were real heads this would be a terrible day.

Earl: (voiceover) And after we bowled, we enjoyed our favourite pastime; Stealing. We'd discovered that when people bowl they stash their wallets and other cool stuff in their street shoes. The only valuables you should ever keep in your shoes are your feet.

Randy: That's a policeman's badge, Earl. Joy: Shut up dummy, he knows what it is! (to Earl) What are you gonna do Earl? That's a policeman's badge…

Joy: Hey! What the hell are you doing, towing a car with the American flag on it? Are you part Taliban?

(Randy is scratching lottery tickets) Rodney: Hey buddy! How's the scratching going? Randy: You know, they say it's all the same but I really think side to side is faster than up and down.

Darnell: (after taking the badge off Rodney) I'm gonna use this for hassling white people to make up for 300 years of racial injustice. Or maybe I'll just use it for Halloween. Randy: Sorry Darnell, that's ours. But if it makes you feel any better, I'll use it to hassle some white people.

Earl: Well hello there, lady officer. I was out abiding laws today and I stumbled upon this badge and would like to return it to, uh, the policeman, or woman, from whence it dropped… off… of. Indeed.

Woman: There's no toilet paper in the ladies bathroom! Stuart: I'm sorry ma'am, that's not my jurisdiction. I'm a policeman, not a janitor. I'm here for crimes. Woman: Fine. Then the toilet paper's been stolen, I'd like to file a report.

(Randy and Earl pretend to pray, so Rodney can steal Earl's jacket and gun) Earl: (standing up after Rodney has gone) Good, he's got the gun. Nice acting, Randy. Randy? Randy: (still praying) And I want a puppy, but not just any puppy, a puppy that does tricks. And please make it warmer in the motel at night, or at least let me find my thick socks. And if it wouldn't freak people out too much, let me live forever. Amen. Earl: We're not getting a puppy, Randy.

Randy: Maybe we could get Stuart to be a hero by throwing him into that tank at the aquarium and make him wrestle an octopus. Earl: That wouldn't make him a hero Randy, unless the octopus was committing a crime. (Randy's eyes light up) We're not gonna start thinking of ways to get an octopus to commit a crime, cause that just has failure written all over it.

Randy: (Pretending to be a police officer) Could I have five lottery tickets, please? It's part of an investigation. And a sour pickle - we're looking into those, too.

Rodney: (Holding up the police badge) Ok, listen up! I want all the liquor in this bar loaded up in my trunk and everyone's gotta help carry. Except the ladies - they need to take their shirts off and slap each other. Earl: (voiceover) Creepy Rodney. No-one liked Rodney. He was the worst kind of thief. The kind that steals from other thieves...and doesn't shower.

Earl: Did somebody call in the cops? Security Officer: Wow, that was quick. Earl: Yeah, well, we got a really fast car with lights on the roof.

Neighbour: (Complaining about the noise) It's 1am, do you mind? Joy: This is a police operation, sir. Would you like to go to jail...in South America?

Earl: What kind of kid puts acorns in his shoes? Randy: A squirrel kid might. Except a squirrel kid doesn't wear shoes.