My Name is Earl

(Darnell is dressed as a magician at Earl Jr's Party) Darnell: (pulls out a card) Was this your card? Randy: No… Darnell: (pulls out another card) Was this your card? Randy: No… Darnell: (pulls out another card) Was this your card? Randy: I think you told me to pick a colour. Darnell: Was it green? Randy: I forget.

(Ralph is burning down the hot dog cart) Earl: Ralph, what the hell you doing?!? Ralph: Hey I knew you'd be mad buddy but I couldn't cut you in. Winky Dinky only paid me 175 bucks this time and I couldn't figure out how to evenly divide that between two people.

Earl: I know you hired my buddy to burn down Pop's cart and you're gonna pay the $10,000 to replace it or I'm going to the police. Manager: But when you go to the police, are you gonna tell them you stole his cart the first time? Earl: No I'm not. Actually I'd rather the whole thing didn't come up. Manager: Well I suggest you don't go to the police. Earl: Then give me $10,000. Manager: Nope. Earl: Then I'm gonna go to the… (the manager smiles smugly) Damnit!

(at Winky Dinky HQ) Randy: Look at this… Life in the city. You can do anything and be anything. You think they'd mind if I slid across the shiny floor in my socks? Earl: I wouldn't start it but I guess if you saw someone else doing it you could join in.

Earl: Hey I typed a real word… Flirp! That's a word isn't it?

Randy: (Head on the keyboard) Look Kenny; I'm sleeping and the TV screen is doing Z like I'm sleeping.

(after Kenny hands in Ralph's typing test as his own) Recruitment Lady: This appears to be just a list of all the swear words you know. Kenny: I have a lot of anger.

Joy: No way. I am not gonna bust my ass to steal this big ass copy machine. Ralph: No, look its gonna be worth it. I got a guy in Korea town wants to rig it to counterfeit money. He said he's gonna pay us 10 grand in $20 bills for it. Earl: I don't know Ralph. I-I - lets just stick to our plan. Randy: Yeah I found a box of pencils, they look like pens but they're pencils. See? (holds one up) Looks like a pen… it's a pencil!

Fred: What the hell is going on? Earl: Fred. You're never gonna believe this but when I got here this morning that copier was already wedged in the doorway. So I called these people to help me with it. Fred: How did you get in the room in the first place if the door was already blocked off? Joy: Well actually that happened while we were sleeping. Darnell: Yeah asleep... and that bottle of pee pee on the table was already there too.

(about Ralph's severed toe in a cooler) Randy: Look Earl, it looks like a little peanut. A little peanut with a toe nail.

Ralph: How about this; I cut off my pinky toe and put it in a winky dinky hot dog then we'll get $10,000 to replace Pop's Hot Dog cart?

Earl: I didn't break up the gang. Ralph: Yeah, you did. Earl: We're still a gang. Joy: You call this a gang? How many other gangs you know have a damn magician?

Boss: What the hell is going on? Earl: You're not going to believe this but when I got here this morning, that copier was already wedged in the doorway, so I called these people to help me with it.

Catalina: (to Earl) You' re never going to make $10 000 dollars selling rubberbands, unless you have some syringes and arm candy to go with em.

(Earl confesses to stealing Pop's cart) Joy: I can't believe you did that. Randy: Yeah, taking away Pop's hotdogs from Camden County is like taking chicken wings out of Syracuse. Ralph: I think it's Buffalo, buddy. Randy: Buffalo? Ralph: Yeah. Randy: ...No, no, I think it's chicken. Joy: It is. It's chicken. Spicy chicken.

Randy: I don't like to complain about free food but this hotdog taste like zoo.

Earl: This is special circumstance, Catalina. I'm stealing for a good reason. Just like...uuh...Robin Hood. Randy: Yeah. I like him. The guy with the green pantyhose, right? I like his little hummingbird girlfriend Tinkerbell, she gets so jealous.