My Name is Earl

Earl: All right, guys. Let's try some basic directions. To get to the library, you need to take a left at the light. Ok? Indian storekeeper: My - name - is - Earl. Earl: These people were not gonna find the library.

(Joy is teaching Kim Lee english) Joy: Okay, so when you're doin' somebody's nails, you say, "I do good job." Kim: I do good job. Joy: Okay, now, "I give you big infection." Kim: I give you big infection. Joy: (clapping in approval) That is so good. (Kim claps along) Uh-huh.

Earl: What happened? Randy: Ralph, set us up. He took your safe deposit key and your drivers license and he's on his way down to the bank to steal your lottery money. Earl: They're not gonna give him my money, he doesn't look anything like me. (flashback to Ralph in a wig and moustache) Randy: He did before he left.

Randy: You hit me in the head with a lamp. Ralph: Oh yeah! I'm sorry about that man, I really am. Money does bad things to people. There ain't no excuse for it, but people are just weak, don't you think? Randy: I guess, yeah.

(phone rings) Earl: Hello. Ralph: Earl, it's Ralph, we got a big problem. Randy and I were trying to break into a house and he got stuck in the chimney. We went in Santa style, took a shot.

Catalina: Why aren't you playing with your friends? Earl: Cause that dolly is stolen property. I can't be part of that. Catalina: Why's Randy out there. Earl: Cause, Randy, doens't have a list. Randy's, a big boy whose allowed to make his own decisions in life and if that decision is to choose a fast ride in the parking lot on a stolen hand dolly, over his own brother, then that's his pergovative. I mean pervocative...what's the word? Catalina: I learnt English a year ago.

Joy: This idiot hasn't told you about his stupid list yet? Earl: Shut up! Joy: Yeah, he's a real goody two shoes now. He's gone straight and the rest of us have to pay for it. Ralph: (laughs) Gone straight. Earl, what she talking about? Earl: Look, I was gonna tell you I just didn't.... Ralph: Wait, wait, wait. Is that where my sister's wedding dress has gone? Did you take it back? Earl: I'm sorry I had to. I don't steal anymore Ralph. Ralph: (with a shocked look on his face) I don't even know what to say. (he walks away) Joy: Is his sister getting married? Is she? Cause if she didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid I swear to God, I will march down to that club chubby and wrap her neck around that pole.

Joy: Oh, hey Ralph. How was prison? Ralph: I'd say about a five.

Joy: (to client) Now, did you want me to paint the zodiac signs on your nails? I mean there's twelve, but, I can paint the extra two on your big toes.

Ralph: (with the wedding dress on) I think I'm gonna let my sister use this dress. I bet some guys would pay a lot of money for a lap dance from a bride.

Ralph: (to the Indian storekeeper) Nothing for me Tonto. Earl: Sorry bout that he's been in prison, he doesn't know your supposed to say Native American.

Young Earl: Whatcha doing Ralph? Young Ralph: Hey Earl, hi Randy. I was just thinking about how much I wanted a gumball, but my mom won't give me a nickel till I clean my room. Young Earl: Watch this. (hits the gumball machine with a bat) I call that a street pinata. Young Ralph: Nice. I'll get us some sodas. (Ralph walks to a soda machine and starts hitting it)

Earl: Look, don't tell Ralph about me turning my life around with my list and everything, okay. Randy: Why not? Earl: Cause, I don't know how his gonna react. I mean, I was the one who taught him to steal. I'm kinda his wax on wax off paint then fence guy.

Randy: Uh, let's not do that. Ralph: I don't want to. I really don't. You're a good friend of mine. I don't want to burn your testicles.

Darnell: Here's the food. Earl: Thanks, Crabman. Darnell: Hey, I've been thinking about coming up with another phrase for when I drop off the food. Earl: I have no opinion on that. Darnell: Yeah, it's tricky. Randy: I like 'Here's the food," 'cause that's what's happening.

Joy: (To a cop about Kim Lee) Look, I don't know if what she's talking is a real language, but if it is, it's a lie.

Earl: Randy was not stuck in a chimney, which is good, because it means he learned his lesson from the last two times.

Earl: I had a classroom full of non-Americans eager to not understand a word I said.

Earl: Who wants to tell me how to get to where Earl lives? How about, Nescobar A-lop-lop? Nescobar: Erections lasting more than 4 hours, while rare, require immediate medical attention. Earl: Having them watch TV as homework wasn't working out. And then I think he cursed me in his native language. Nescobar: Seacrest out.

Joy: Look, Earl, you can't teach her to talk I got kids to feed. Earl: These are good people Joy. I mean they have the right to learn whatever they want. Joy: No they don't! There is nothing in the Bible that says people have a right to learn stuff. I have read it.

Randy: Look Earl, it's Karma's army. Made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds.

Joy: Hey ass wipe. I don't know what the hell is on your touched by an angel list that's making you teach people English, but you need to stop. Earl: Excuse me? Joy: You got a Chinese girl in your class named Kim Lee? Earl: She's not Chinese, she's Vietnamese. Joy: Honey, I dont care if she's Vietnamese, Chinese or Chuck E. Cheese, she don't need to be learning no English.

Ralph: Karma, huh? Earl: [pointing to his forearm, where there is a yin-yang symbol tatooed] Yup. Like that tattoo on your arm. Ralph: I thought that was two tadpoles doin' it.

Earl: Does the manager know you wash off the plastic cups and put 'em back in the rooms? Catalina: It was his idea. He told me not to waste my time trying to be so clean now that AAA took away our half-a-star.

(Earl and Randy are tied up by Ralph) Randy: Hey, maybe if you call karma it'll come and save us. Call it. Earl: Randy, it doesn't work like that. It's karma, not Lassie.

(Earl hugs Ralph after he gets out of prison.) Earl: Man, 18 months, I missed you buddy. Ralph: Yeah, uh, me too man. Feels good to hug a man and know it doesn't have to go anywhere.