My Name is Earl Season 1 Episode 16

Earl: (voiceover) An amazing thing happened after class. We just kept walking and talking and we never ran out of stuff to say. It was like one of those movies where a guy meets a girl and they talk and laugh at each other's stories. I usually don't watch movies like that but I was starting to understand why people do.

Earl: Randy, I think she likes me; she asked me to go to a party. And we talked and we joked around; she even touched my arm.
Randy: Really, how'd she do that?
(Earl strokes Randy's forearm)
Randy: It feels like she likes you.
Earl: That's what I'm saying.
Randy: Does this mean we're going to stay another night?
(Earl strokes Randy's forearm again)
Earl: Would you walk away from that?
Randy: No way. I even like when you do it.

Phi Alpha Brother: Assume the positions.
(Pledges turn around and bend over.)
Randy: You want me to bend over so you can smack me with that paddle?
Brother: Yeah.
Randy: I like drinkin' and I love ridin' tricycles, but if someone hits me with a paddle I'm gonna knock 'em on their ass. I thought we were friends.
Brother: We are. But... the older brothers did it to us when we were pledges so now it's our turn to torture somebody.
Randy: If you want to get someone back why don't you paddle the guy who paddled you? Not some poor guys who didn't do anything to anyone.
(Brothers start paddling each other as Randy and the other pledges watch.)
Earl: (voiceover) Randy never thought he'd be so satisfied watching guys spank each other on the ass. But, as it turns out, he was.

Waiter: Shrimp Kebab?
Earl: Yeah, how much for two?
Waiter: They're free.
Earl: Free shrimp, huh? College.

Earl: Hello. (students type) Did you just type what I just said? (students type again) This is kinda freaking me out.

Randy: (to Earl) I'm pledging. That means all these guys are gonna be my brothers. But, it's not like I have to get them Christmas presents or anything but maybe we'll have a secret Santa. If we do I hope I get Steve, he's got lots of interests and we wear the same size.

Randy: Make that fish thingy come back.
Earl: I don't know how to.... I don't know how to do anything. (the screen saver come back on) Oh! There it is. I like the little blue one. Let's call him Poncho.
Randy: I'm gonna type in shark and see if a shark comes out. (presses the keyboard and the screen saver disappears) Damnit, it's gone again!

(telling stories of his exploits to Alex's class)
Earl: And usually the Air Force would shoot you for doing that, but they figured I was too drunk to remember what I saw. But as we all know now - they were wrong.

Randy: Says we need a password. I'll try carrot.
Earl: Why carrot?
Randy: Who would think of carrot?
Earl: You did.
Randy: You're right. I'll try carrot 88... no 89. Dammit! I can only think of things I can think of.

Earl: (to Alex) I can't be anyone's boyfriend. I'm karma's bitch.

Alex: Nice outfit
Earl: Thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother; which is why the pants smell like bong water. I also found Cheetos and a HoHo in one of the pockets.

(Alex kisses Earl on the cheek)
Earl: We're staying.
Randy: Yesss!
Earl: Karma can do whatever it wants to me, I can take it.

Alex: You'd be my knight in shining armour if you came with me. Earl: You want me to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I could do that. Yeah, I could be your knight. I'd have to bring my sword. I didn't mean that dirty.

Earl: Professor Meyers is a woman.
Randy: Is she hot?
Earl: Not only is she hot, but she's way smart!
Randy: Like a Stewardess?
Earl: Way smarter!

Earl: (thinking) This wasn't the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat but it was the first time I didn't mind

Alex: (to college students) Next time I blow that whistle, it will be for a real rape. I promise.

Randy: I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.
Earl: It tastes the same.
Randy: Yeah, but it goes to your brain before it goes to your livers.