Here are the excuses Earl uses to avoid consummating his marriage to Ralph's mom:
1)He just ate a big meal and his doctor told him he has to wait three hours before swimming or humping.
2)A bunch of birds attacking a squirrel on the lawn.
3)The string came out of his sweatpants.
4)The Chinese are on the march.
5)He's on hold with Mike from Bombay, who's trying to walk him through the new toaster.
6)Randy got out.
7)He has to drive three counties over to buy some rubbers.