My Name is Earl

Tatiana: Something is suspicious, you are police I know it. Joy: Oh calm down I've just got to pick up the truck keys. So jumpy all of a sudden! Tatiana: I just don't like surprises. Everyone: Surprise! Tatiana: Ah!

Joy: Hey, bring me something! Earl: What? Joy: I don't know. Something fun. Surprise me. But with chocolate and peanuts. Earl: Snickers!? Joy: Damn it, Earl, I said surprise me!

Joy: Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back of it? Earl's narration: Turns out Joy was that stupid.

Randy: (Talking about the grafitti) It's perfect, Earl. Earl: Yeah, it really is. I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in six foot letters on the side of a stolen truck. Randy: I'm gonna go into town and get some more white paint to cover it up. Earl: Good idea Randy: If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on it's side.

Joy: What the hell are you doing? Darnell: Throwing your surprise birthday party. Joy: My birthday is not until next month. Darnell: That's the surprise party! Joy: You idiot! Darnell: It was Earl's idea.

Earl's narration: Joy and Darnell had recently learned a few tips on how to fight by watching "Dr. Phil" on TV. Joy: You are making me feel very angry, because my needs aren't being met. Darnell: And you are making me feel angry, because your needs don't make sense. Earl's narration: Unfortunately, one episode of "Dr. Phil" couldn't undo years of watching "Springer".

Earl: Randy, do you think it's my fault Joy went to jail? Randy? Randy: I'm trying to sleep, Earl, can't this wait 'til morning? Earl: You woke me up last night to ask me if I thought monkeys ever worry about their looks. Randy: Oh yeah, sorry...you think they do? Earl: I already told you. If they were worried about their looks, they'd wear pants.

Joy: What do you hate more, flies or mosquitoes? Earl: Why? Joy: Just making conversation. Damn! Never mind. Earl: Mosquitoes. Joy: Me too. You know, they say, mosquitoes in Africa could kill people. Imagine the size those things gotta be? Earl: Pretty big.

(Joy talking about Randy) Joy: At least he's thinkin', it's not his fault he's bad at it.

Earl: We gotta get him to a hospital. Joy: We'll get caught! Earl: No we won't. We'll just drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents.

Jasper: It's too risky. Joy: Too risky? You sold a damn Iranian baby! Jasper: Yeah, but it didn't have "Iranian baby" painted on the side of it in big letters. Joy: Oh like they're not gonna know it's Iranian once it's old enough to talk.

Earl: You stole a truck? Joy: Because they wouldn't give me my money back. It was a crime of principal, like when Rosa Parks stole that bus.

Jasper: Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair, they make mistakes! Tatiana: It was not mistake. Jasper: Yeah well you better pray I find that ear lobe. Tatiana: He won't mind. Jasper is too much sissie to be a real criminal, this is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck and I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper. Joy: I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face we could hang out.

(Joy and Darnell are watching tv outside) Joy: So much glare out here, I can't tell if that's the white lady judge or the black lady judge.

(Joy and Darnell try to fit the tv into trailer) Joy: Damnit! How did Britney and Kevin do it?

(Joy and Darnell are watching TV) Joy: (to Darnell) Oh snap! Look at that big ass TV disappear into that entertainment center. I want a disappearing TV.

(Pool girl knocks Joy with the pool stick) Joy: Okay! Do it again and I'm going to pop those booby implants of yours and let you fly across this bar like a loose balloon. Earl: It was an accident Joy (looks at the girl's breasts) and I think they're real. Joy: (looking annoyed) Oh! So now you're on her side?