My Name is Earl Season 2 Episode 1

Tatiana: Something is suspicious, you are police I know it.
Joy: Oh calm down I've just got to pick up the truck keys. So jumpy all of a sudden!
Tatiana: I just don't like surprises.
Everyone: Surprise!
Tatiana: Ah!

Joy: Hey, bring me something!
Earl: What?
Joy: I don't know. Something fun. Surprise me. But with chocolate and peanuts.
Earl: Snickers!?
Joy: Damn it, Earl, I said surprise me!

Joy: Do I look stupid enough to steal a truck with a man in the back of it?
Earl's narration: Turns out Joy was that stupid.

Randy: (Talking about the grafitti) It's perfect, Earl.
Earl: Yeah, it really is. I just don't know if it's a good idea to paint your name in six foot letters on the side of a stolen truck.
Randy: I'm gonna go into town and get some more white paint to cover it up.
Earl: Good idea
Randy: If the cops come while I'm gone, tip it on it's side.

Joy: What the hell are you doing?
Darnell: Throwing your surprise birthday party.
Joy: My birthday is not until next month.
Darnell: That's the surprise party!
Joy: You idiot!
Darnell: It was Earl's idea.

Earl's narration: Joy and Darnell had recently learned a few tips on how to fight by watching "Dr. Phil" on TV.
Joy: You are making me feel very angry, because my needs aren't being met.
Darnell: And you are making me feel angry, because your needs don't make sense.
Earl's narration: Unfortunately, one episode of "Dr. Phil" couldn't undo years of watching "Springer".

Earl: Randy, do you think it's my fault Joy went to jail? Randy?
Randy: I'm trying to sleep, Earl, can't this wait 'til morning?
Earl: You woke me up last night to ask me if I thought monkeys ever worry about their looks.
Randy: Oh yeah, sorry...you think they do?
Earl: I already told you. If they were worried about their looks, they'd wear pants.

Joy: What do you hate more, flies or mosquitoes?
Earl: Why?
Joy: Just making conversation. Damn! Never mind.
Earl: Mosquitoes.
Joy: Me too. You know, they say, mosquitoes in Africa could kill people. Imagine the size those things gotta be?
Earl: Pretty big.

(Joy talking about Randy)
Joy: At least he's thinkin', it's not his fault he's bad at it.

Earl: We gotta get him to a hospital.
Joy: We'll get caught!
Earl: No we won't. We'll just drop him off and drive away like people do with babies and grandparents.

Jasper: It's too risky.
Joy: Too risky? You sold a damn Iranian baby!
Jasper: Yeah, but it didn't have "Iranian baby" painted on the side of it in big letters.
Joy: Oh like they're not gonna know it's Iranian once it's old enough to talk.

Earl: You stole a truck?
Joy: Because they wouldn't give me my money back. It was a crime of principal, like when Rosa Parks stole that bus.

Jasper: Same reason I don't let amateurs cut my hair, they make mistakes!
Tatiana: It was not mistake.
Jasper: Yeah well you better pray I find that ear lobe.
Tatiana: He won't mind. Jasper is too much sissie to be a real criminal, this is why we live in cement closet. Bring me to this truck and I will buy with my own money I steal from Jasper.
Joy: I like you. If I could ever get used to staring at that thing on your face we could hang out.

(Joy and Darnell are watching tv outside)
Joy: So much glare out here, I can't tell if that's the white lady judge or the black lady judge.

(Joy and Darnell try to fit the tv into trailer)
Joy: Damnit! How did Britney and Kevin do it?

(Joy and Darnell are watching TV)
Joy: (to Darnell) Oh snap! Look at that big ass TV disappear into that entertainment center. I want a disappearing TV.

(Pool girl knocks Joy with the pool stick)
Joy: Okay! Do it again and I'm going to pop those booby implants of yours and let you fly across this bar like a loose balloon.
Earl: It was an accident Joy (looks at the girl's breasts) and I think they're real.
Joy: (looking annoyed) Oh! So now you're on her side?