My Name is Earl

Buzz: (to Earl) Did you bring home any of that Middle Eastern sand with you? Check your shoes son, cause you can sell that stuff on the internet you know. I bought a towel from a sailor's bathroom, it had a dove on it. Can you believe that? A dove. That hypocritical son of a bitch.

Joy: (opens present) Oh my god! Oh my god! (Finds keys in the box) Wait, these are my keys... Earl: I know. I found 'em.

Joy: (finds condoms in the gift box) How are these for me? Earl: They're flavoured. Merry Christmas.

Joy is jumping up and down on a waterbed Joy: Oh yeah. Give it to me Earl. Give it to me like you gave it to those terrorists. Oh yeah!

(Darnell enters the room) Joy: Oh, my God, it's a Negro, we're being robbed.

Earl: Why the wheelchair? Seems unnecessary. Connie: I sprained my ankle a few months ago, and I got used to being pushed around.

Connie: (to Joy's father) Remember when I told you to sign over the business to me in case something bad happens? Mr. Darville: Yeah? Connie: Something bad happened.

Joy's Father: Connie, you're walking? Connie: It's a Christmas miracle.

Joy: Momma, Daddy, he's been gone for months, and a wife's has her needs. So if you will excuse us. (to Earl) Take me to the bedroom. Earl: (with a confused look) What? Joy: Take me to the bedroom. (force a smile) Buzz: Go on son. You've earned it. Earl: Thanks. (carries Joy to the bedroom)

Joy's Mother: (Upon admitting her gambling addiction) Don't you judge me!

Randy: We did it Catalina, we won. Joy's gonna get a her car. Catalina: Joy? I'm not doing this for Joy. I hate Joy. Randy: I thought we were doing this together? You know, like a team? Catalina: I never said that. When I win this car, I'm keeping it. Randy: Catalina, winning this car for Joy, it's my Christmas present to Earl. This is for a family. At Christmas. You know, "Feliz Naviblah"? Catalina: That means nothing. Randy: To you, maybe, but in American that means "Christmas" in Mexican.

Joy: Not everybody is trying to change the world, Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business when our parents kick the bucket.

Earl: I learned a valuable lesson that night. If you're gonna try to fly a bicycle, you better make sure E.T. Is sitting in your basket instead of a 12 pack of beer.

Randy: You can't come between us. We're Chinese twins.

Joy: You know how traditional my parents are. If they found out I got divorced and married a black man, they'd crap in a sock.

Earl: Turns out Darnell was fine with it. While Joy's parents were in town, he was staying at the nativity scene down at the local church, since there wasn't room for him at his own double wide inn.

Darnell: Thanks Earl. It's cold outside in that manger. I don't know how Jesus did it.

Earl: For a woman who spent four days on a raft to get to America, Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun.

Joy: Why'd you flip out when I wanted to go out with that black guy in high school? Buzz: Because that particular black guy was your half-brother... one of them.

Joy: Earl, if Daddy finds out about Darnell, I won't get a penny in his will. He found out I was gonna go on a date with a black guy in high school and he threatened to take away all my white blue jeans. Earl: And Darnell is ok with this? He doesn't care if his wife's father is a racist? Joy: Darnell is fine with it. Look not everybody is trying to change the world Earl. Some of us are just trying to get our fair taste of a waterbed business when our parents kick the bucket.

Earl: What the hell is going on? Why are your parents still calling me son? Joy: They think we're still married. Earl: What?! Joy: Shhh!!! You know how traditional my parents are! If they found out I got divorced and married a black man, they'd crap in a sock. They think of me as their little angel. Now come on, help me splash around on the waterbed make it sound like we're doing it.