My Name is Earl

Mysterious Van Driver: As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner. All the documents you need, birth certificate, drivers licence, etc are in this envelope. Darnell: Cool. (takes envelope and gets out of van) Mysterious Van Driver: Now remember! You can never be Harry Munroe again. You're a totally new person. Darnell: Do I still like cheese? Mysterious Van Driver: Not if you want to stay alive you don't.

Darnell: All the computers will go berserk and things like electricity, water, gas will be out. The banks will be out of money, stores will be out of food, all the high scores on video games will be reset. Randy: Even Centipede?

Earl: Randy, I told you; No robot dogs. We can only afford the things we need to survive. Randy: But I already filled out the adoption papers… I named him biscuit!

Darnell: You know it's crazy they're so worried about us stealing stuff. The whole store is gonna get looted during Y2K Joy: Wait a minute… there's gonna be looting? (Darnell nods) Then why the hell did we just buy all this stuff? I'm gonna return mine and steal it tomorrow.

Joy: You know what I'm gonna loot first? I'm gonna loot me a Humvee. Then I'm gonna take all the other stuff I loot, and put it in my Humvee. And if somebody tries to stop me? I'm gonna drive over them in my Humvee. And I also want a new pair of sandals.

Earl: (voiceover) What we didn't know was that every year, Camden County had a New Years fireworks show. We'd never seen it because we were usually passed out by nine. Joy: Y'all, that sounds like grenades! Randy: Grenades? The other looters have grenades? I only have this bat! I could hit a grenade with the bat, but only if you put it on a tee.

Earl: (voiceover) Realising we might be the only people left on Earth in the year zero freaked us out. What we didn't know was that there was a reason the streets were so empty. We were always so drunk from the night before, we were never awake to know there was a parade on New Years day.

Joy: Look on the back of that box and tell me how long I'm supposed to keep these bleach trays in. Earl: Joy, it says you're not supposed to use these if you're pregnant! Joy: Says the super Government… which is dead. There's no more rules anymore Earl. I could put this stuff in my eyes if I wanted to; make the white parts whiter.

Earl: Hey Donny, what can I trade you for a TV? Donny: Give me your wife. Earl: I'm not giving you my wife. Pick a snack food. Donny: Marshmallow fluff… smeared on your wife. Earl: Donny… Donny: Okay. I'll give you a TV. But you gotta owe me one favour. And I get to ask for that favour anytime I want, and you can't say no, and you can't ask what the favour is gonna be. Earl: Is the favour giving you my wife? Donny: Yup. Earl: Forget it.

(being checked by the security guard) Earl: (voiceover) And even though we're still looked down upon today, I'm confident that one day we won't be. One day we will be seen as the perfect people we were on that one perfect day. Security Guard: Ma'am? (Joy opens her jacket and stolen stuff falls out) Earl: (voiceover) Of course for some of us, that might take till Y3K.

(Randy sleeping on top of a bunk bed) Earl: Hey Mr President? Randy: Yeah Earl? Earl: How does it feel to be on top? Randy: I don't like it. It's too high up here. Will you switch with me?

(Earl hits Randy in the head with a can) Joy: Oh snap! You killed your own brother. Donny: I claim the toy section.

Joy: Help, help, the machine's got me! Y2K, Y2K! (hits the blood pressure machine) It's okay, I scared it.

Randy: Marco, marco, marco.... Joy: We're not in the damn pool, you idiot. Ollie Ollie Oxen free!

Donny: My sister is off with another trucker. Joy: Does she get mixed up with a lot of truckers? Donny: My sister falls in love easy if that's what your asking.

(opening stolen presents) Joy: If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid… dumb people and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

Donny: I want little Jesus to see this. Joy: Is that who that is? I saw him peaking out, I thought it was Willie Nelson.