Mystery Science Theater 3000

Crow: (describing Susan) Julie Nixon!

Carl: I got a tip that this town is a cinch for a quick buck. Joel: A whole dollar?!

(as the Eye Creatures attack Mike) Crow: Attack of the Lazy Eye Creatures. Tom: Attack of the I Don't Think So Creatures.

Joel: You know, they've got a lot of optic nerve.

Joel: 1 Adam 12, see the hand.

Corporal: Did you find any signs of life, sir? Crow: Not in this platoon!

Tom: Couldn't they put the hand in the glove box?

Colonel: There's just one thing I want to caution you about. Joel: Tofu.

Tom: David Lynch only aspires to make something this creepy.

Mike: I thought the police were alert. Tom: That's a common fallacy.

Crow (describing Mike): Malcolm McDowell. In Oh, Yucky Man!.

Tom: I'm Hand Christian Andersen!

Joel: It's like No Exit with bad jokes.

Tom: Joel, I want you to take my head off. Joel: Oh, come on, you'll make it.

Susan: I saw it! Crow: With my own hair!

Joel: Earl Holliman, who would have been William Shatner, if there had not already been one.

Crow (as Mike puts cotton in his ears): Now the dogs can't control me!

Carl: Mike, it's Carl. Crow: Steve, Earl, Ed, Linc, Julie, Spoooooock!

Carl: You and me are gonna put on an exhibition. Joel, Crow and Tom: Noooooo!!!!!

Carl: I'm not trying to give you a pitch, but get this...: Joel: Term insurance.

Stan: I know it sounds crazy... Joel: But I'm Punky Brewster!

Tom: (after Mike hits Carl in the head) It's Punch and Goofy!

Joel: The White Rock Cafe, where Whitey comes to drink and dance.

Crow: I don't know about you, but I'm rooting for the the Eye Creatures.

Crow (seeing a man with a gun): Yay! Kill all the characters! Whoo!

Tom (describing the cafe): This place has all the ambiance of a Vietnamese restaurant.

Tom: Brought to you by White Beer. There's a trailer park of flavor in every bottle.

Crow: (descrbing Carl and Mike) Wet Head and Dry Look, they're cops.

Joel (as a guard looks over a man): Say, nice...area, I think.

Crow: If A/V geeks ruled the world! Tom: We do!

Joel (as the film's title appears, with a double "The"): Did Mel Tillis write these titles or what?

Crow (as a man approaches the guard): What time is the pistol-whipping?

Man: Take off. Joel: To the great white north.

Corporal: Bad things are going on up there, right? Joel: Bad things are going on right in this room.

Corporal: We're here for a reason. Crow: We got booted out of Vo/Tech.