Mystery Science Theater 3000

Tom: (seeing the Post Office in Texarkana) It's the Tomb of the Unknown Cracker.

Crenshaw: Hunker down, I wanna show you somethin'. Crow: Ew, never hunker down within 10 yards of this guy.

Tom: (over a shot of the computer screen) Software by Roy Bob's Feed and Software, Texarkana.

Tom: (as Leslie is on all fours on the hood) I'm the Mack Truck bulldog. Ruff!

Mike: It's the Arkansas remake of Wages of Fear.

(during the opening credits) Mike: (seeing the name Chuck Pierce) Pierced chuck, $1.49 a pound. Crow: From the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, (Southern voice) Jimmy Clem. Mike: (seeing the name Serene Hedin) Now, that's a half-hearted attempt at a porn name. Tom: That's Charles B. 'In Over His Head' Pierce.

Mike: Good night, Tim, wherever you are.

Crow: Every movie from the South is going to thank a trailer service at some point.

Prof. Lockhart: He's a part of nature living in harmony in one of America's last great wildernesses. Mike: Crenshaw?

Crenshaw: Gimme that gun. Tim: No way. Tom: Ah, 'no way'. Tim's instant catchphrase.

Tom: (describing Crenshaw) Kent Hrbek three months after retirement.

Tom: Legendary creatures get all the chicks.

Tanya: Doc, what happened in there? Crow: I made a pass at Crenshaw, okay?

Crow: (seeing Doc in his military cap) Dictator for life, Charles B. Pierce.

Mike: (over a POV shot representing the creature) We'd like to thank the Legend for allowing us to put a camera in his helmet.

Mike: (as the jeep gets stuck in the mud) This movie's very damp. I think it's one of our dampest movies.

Crow: (as a blip appears on the computer screen) You've got monster.

Mike: (as Doc comes out in shorts) Dr. Batch, this fall.

Tom: (seeing Tanya running) Lucy Braless.

Tom: Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my gaydar.

Tom: If I'm not mistaken, thats Jeeeeeeeddddddddd!!!!!

Crow: (seeing Tim without his shirt) Jeez, do a pushup, kid.

Tim: He's at the stadium with 75,000 insane hog callers. Crow: They're calling insane hogs?

Tom: (describing Prof. Lockhart) A bearded egg in a tie.

Prof. Lockhart: It is from this tributary that the creature got its name. Mike His name is Tributary?

Mike: The razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of the cheese wedge.

(during the football game) Mike: The cheerleaders suggest that we go! Crow: I'm going! The cheerleaders' plan is working! Tom: We took their advice and started winning!

Crow: (as the scene switches from the dead deer to the football game) They're punting the deer's head!

Tom: Just think of me as a She-belo. Crow: Um, no.

Tanya: Blow the horn!? Mike: Do I look like I know how to do that?

Crow: (as the little creature attacks) Where's the money, ya son of a bitch?

Prof. Lockhart: I saw the little creature! Leslie: I don't wanna see it! Crow: No woman should have to see the little creature!