Mystery Science Theater 3000

(during the opening credits) Mike: What kind of made up font is this? Tom: I think they call it Extra Stuff Germanic.

(in the end credits: 'This film was shot entirely in Mexico') Crow: I'd like to shoot everybody in this movie entirely in Mexico.

Mike: (as the movie's end theme plays) Music by a total spaz!

Mike: (as the final fight scene commences) This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we've ever done.

Crow: (as a fencing scene starts) The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard!

(at the party) Warrior: Music! Crow: I'll take music for fifty!

Mike: (as Troxartas casts his spell over Nicias) Gotta start the smoke, stir the sauce, all the time watching the helicopter.

Crow: (as Elizena hits Deathstalker) I'm glad he gets hit a lot.

(Troxartas as he has Nicias tied up) Troxartas: Nicias... Crow: Yes, Jerkius?

(Troxartas puts the two stones together, with no effect) Troxartas: There's a third stone! Tom: And I'm passing it!

(as fog comes in the hallway of Troxartas' castle) Crow: Hey, dude, get some towels and put 'em under the door, the RA's comin'! Tom: Uh oh, the wall vac backed up! Mike: The fog cruises in on little cat feet!

(describing Deathstalker) Mike: Andy Travis, hero. Crow: He has all the charm of your David Soul.

Marinda: What other weapons do you have? Crow: Amongst our weaponry are!

Marinda: (to Deathstalker) Drop your sword. Mike: Like you have your accent.

Troxartas: You... Crow: Lick me.

Tom: (as Deathstalker hides) The director's vision: Confusion wracked with ambiguity.

(describing the obviously fake eagle's cry) Crow: You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. Tom: (as Deathstalker) I just heard an eagle meow.

Troxartas: This has...nothing to do with...being rich. Tom: I put the...beats in my own...script and I'm sticking...with them.

(describing Troxartis) Tom: So Douglas Brackman rules the kingdom. Mike: You can't be too rich or too bald.

Crow: (during Carissa's grand death scene) Mary Lou Retton could act better than her!

Crow: (as Carissa dies) Death means one glorious thing: Freedom from that guy!

Mike: (seeing Carissa run) Wow, she runs like Natrone Means.

Nicias (to Deathstalker): I'll have a few words for you. Tom: They are frog and pant.

Mike: (during the movie's opening credits) Oh, I have a feeling we're making a run for the border in this movie.

Crow: (as Deathstalker lays on the table) Okay, we've seen his crotch, his pits, inside his mouth, up his nose, what's left?!