Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike: (seeing Diabolik shirtless) He's on the David Cassidy workout program.

(Eva pretends to hitchhike) Mike: (describing Eva's skimpy outfit) I wore that hitchhiking once. Crow: Yeesh!

Mike: (as Diabolik revives on the coroner's table) You know, Quincy wouldn't take crap like this !

Tom: (as a catapult is seen) This is what they apult their cats with.

Tom: (as everyone laughs at the press conference) Dan Quayle announces his candidacy!

(as Eva goes up the stairs) Mike: Wow, dangerously steep stairs. Tom: You're watching the stairs? Poor Mike. Crow: Gee whiz.

Crow: (as Diabolik drives into his hideout) You know, it's hard to get contractors to do this kind of work. Signing the complete secrecy agreement on pain of death and all.

(after Mike, Tom and Crow learn that they're about to watch "The Crawling Eye") Crow: This movie looks kinda familiar, doesn't it? Tom: Hmmm.

Eva: (to Ginko) Please... Mike: Get bent.

(during the underwater scene) Song: Waa, waa, waa, waa... Crow: Lyrics by Chachi. Song: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Mike: Hey, it's Fonzie joining in with the 'whoa whoa's'.

Crow: (sings along to the guitar riff during the train scene) I only learned one lick... Does this bug you at all? Gotta practice my lick... Only one hour more...

Tom: (yelling at Diabolik) Would you stop being stealthy and just get in the truck?!

Ginko: We have to sell the gold to get hard currency. Crow: Ooh, I'm glad he said currency.

(Diabolik is at the morgue, getting the emeralds) Doctor: (checking the ashes of Valmont) Yes, he's ready! Crow: For some football!

Ginko: Sargeant... Crow: Lick me.

Crow: Diabol-lick.

Mike: (as Eva is at the gas station) So, Europe just looks like Hampshire, Illinois.

Valmont: You say all the narcotics... Mike: Are in Keith Richards, yes.

Tom: (hearing gunshots after the necklace is stolen) The old couple finally has it out.

Tom: (describing Valmont) Burt Bacharach's put on some weight.

Crow (after Tom says there are 517 of him) That's far too much you. You should be limited to one or less.

(as Diabolik and Eva roll around in the money) Crow: Steve Forbes and his wife! Mike: They make love on English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. Tom: Member, FDIC. Heh, heh, heh.

Mike (as Diabolik looks in his safe) He's pretending to be The Pretender.

Mike: (misunderstanding the lyrics) Keep my potty down? Man, women and their toilet seat issues.

Mike: (singing with the theme song) The walleye are deep down!

(during the opening credits) Mike: Wheel de Forutna. Tom: Uh-oh. Mike, I need my Dramamine. Mike: Never start a movie in the middle of a spin cycle. Crow: The true story of Spin Art. Mike: Man, I'm sicker than when I went on the Tilt-A-Whirl ten times in a row. Tom: Movie just started and it's already circlin' the drain. Crow: Gentlemen, let's open our movie with a ten minute shot of a spinning radish!

(as the theme music begins) Tom: Uh oh, it's getting groovy. Crow: Oh, God, is someone going to tell us that something is shagadelic, man?

Mike: (seeing a winding road) Man, that is one Europy road.

Mike: (as a black car appears) Michael, we're lost.

Ginko: (to one of his men) Look sophisticated. Crow: Sophisticated, not gay.

Ginko: The whole underworld worries me less than a single man. Tom: Michael Jeter.

(as Gypsy announces they are returning to Earth) Crow: We did it! Mike: Well, I mean, we didn't really do it. Crow: Well, it was done by someone! Tom: It was done!

Crow: (singing to the guitar riff in the first scene) Driving off to the store... Gonna pick up some bread... Maybe go to the post office... Meet Delores for lunch... Hope they're serving that ham! Oh yeah!

Mike: (as Diabolik drives the boat in his mask) Reverse Racoon Man!

(Eva is at the doctor's office) Doctor: (to a nurse) Take her along to the infrared room. Mike: Oh, and do all the work and make all the hard decisions at one fourth my salary. Crow: Infrared room... (cut to Eva topless on her back) Crow: Mike, I beg you to get us an infrared room now! Tom: Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please!

Crow: (during the last shootout) Well, I'm sorry if you're offended by my random murders.

Crow: (describing Diabolik's hideout) Kind of stupid to have an underground observatory.

(Ginko gets in an elevator looking for Diabolik; while he gets out of the one next to it) Crow: Lets face it, this guy operates on unbelievable luck and coincidence.