Mystery Science Theater 3000

Maria: (to Geronimo) I won't let you go in there alone. You'll never come out alive. Crow: (softly) Yay!

Mike: So this isn't Il Postino, right?

(Geronimo and Maria look for Palermo in the cathedral) Geronimo: Take a look around. Tom: Uh, you know, go ahead on.

Wilson: Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarassment to the Italian government. Mike: That's hard to do!

Mike: Can we prove he's not Hoyt Axton?

Crow: (describing Geronimo) He makes Randy Quaid look subtle and diminutive.

Mike: You know, I really don't care for this remake of The Lion In Winter.

Tom: (as someone grunts) Fire bad, grrrhhh.

Geronimo: You heard of the Apaches, haven't you? Mike: The Cabbage Patchies?

Crow: (as Palermo's boat stalls) Where's the perfect storm when you need it?

Crow: This movie's really drawing me in... to a deep well of despair.

Mike: (as Palermo drives his boat) And there's Thomas Merton piloting Miss Budweiser!

Crow: (as Geronimo climbs a ladder) I'm scared of heights... where there's no food.

Tom: (also as Palermo runs away in monk's robe) God? God, there's a guy chasing me!

Mike: (as Palermo in monk's robes runs away) Guess he's a felonious monk.

Tom: (seeing the cathedral) Looks like God's doing all right for Himself.

Mike: (describing Geronimo) Meat Loaf, Texas Ranger.

Crow: (during a gun battle) I'm telling the mob! Mob, he's shooting at me!

(the Golden Ash sign appears) Tom: Hey, Crow, you've got a golden ash. Crow: Shaddap!

Crow: (as Geronimo eats) His arteries are just looking at each other, shaking their heads.

Tom: (describing the Don's thugs) The ugly, the ugly and the ugly.

Mike: (during the parade) Well, happy St. Europe day, everybody.

Crow: (during the parade) Clowns: terrifying in any country.

Tom: (as they look up at Geronimo) I don't want to be down here!

Crow: Malta: makers of fine crosses, knights, and falcons!

Palermo: Sprachen ze Deutsch? Mike: Yeah, lickens ze me.

Crow: (after Tony gets shot and dies) In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times.

Crow: (as Geronimo stalks Palermo and Tony) The sun is blotted out as Joe Don Baker approaches!

Tom: (as Geronimo kills Palermo) Our hero, a big stinky cheater!

Tom: (after the sheriff gets shot) So what goes on in Texas? Opening fire on cops, killing presidents, the whole Bush thing, I mean what the hell?

Geronimo: You think you can take me? Crow:To a pizza place?

Tom: (as Geronimo's gun falls on the floor and goes off) See Mike, that's what happened when I shot you that time and you've never believed me.

Tom: (over a closeup of one ot the thugs' mouth) The last thing a sausage sees.

Crow: Hey, Malta, get a tree!

Mike: I had to chase a monk once; sold me a bunch of moldy bread, the son of a...

Tom: (seeing a narrow street) The streets of San Fran... Malta.

Crow: (seeing a man standing next to a small tree) He's guarding Malta's only plant.

(as Geronimo leaves the village) Mike: Well, they hustled him out of the village pretty quickly. Tom: (as Geronimo) But wait, I'm still sick and wounded! Crow: (as villager) Uh-huh. Good-Bye!

Crow: (to Mike, after killing Goosio) We try to destroy only things that are specifically yours.

Crow: Why don't men want to join the priesthood anymore? It looks like a blast!

Tom: Dangerous for Joe Don to be on the water. Someone's bound to harpoon him.

(during the movie's closing credits, singing with the theme song) Singer: You better run... Tom: Or he'll steal your lunch! Singer: You better hide... Crow: Your lunch! Singer: You better run... Mike: 'Cause he's got the runs! Singer: 'Cause he won't stop till he gets his man... Tom: Or your lunch!

Mike: (as Geronimo once again is in his cell) No! We're stuck in a Möbius Strip of a movie!