Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 10 Episode 8

Crow: So when do they start selling stolen merchandise?
Mike: That's a different kind of fencing!

Claudius: The king drinks to Hamlet.
Tom: Hell, the king drinks to anything.
Crow: (as Claudius drinks) I got the worm!

Hamlet: This madness is poor Hamlet's enemy.
Crow: I hate that 'Our House' song, you know?

Hamlet: And dog will have his day.
Crow: Pomeranian Day? Dachshund Day? Llasa Apso Day?

(during Ophelia's funeral)
Priest: Her death was doubtful.
Tom: Well, shouldn't we check, then?

Mike: A production that likes to show people watching other people.

Hamlet: Why wouldst thou be a breeder of sinners?
Crow: Be a breeder of schnauzers.

Hamlet: (to Ophelia) Are you honest?
Tom: Yes. No. I lied!

Crow: Gertrude's hair by Bozo.

Tom: (as Claudius leers at Gertrude) Tonight I'm gonna unleash the Great Dane.

Tom: (in the midst of the soliloquy) Sum up!

Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Mike: The verbal equivalent of 'da-da-da-dum'!

Mike: (describing Ophelia) She looks like a cheerleader for a Southern football team.

Tom: (as Claudius takes the sword out of Laertes' hands) New King Claudius, with kung-fu grip.

Crow: Losertes!
Tom: Craplet!

Mike: (impersonating Harry Caray) Hello, everybody! Take me out to the sword fight...

Laertes: The King's to blame, the King.
Crow: Long blame the King!

Crow: Well, we'll be taking volunteers to rule Denmark now.

Claudius: Where is Polonious?
Tom: He came down with an unexpected case of murder!

Mike: (after Hamlet mentions Sergeant Death) He's WWF, right?

Crow: See, I don't trust a sporting event done in tights and puffy shirts.

Tom: (during the movie's opening credits) If there's a rice-führer, I'm leaving.

Hamlet: This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.
Tom: That's Sickly Days, downtown Copenhagen.

Claudius: I like him not.
Crow: I like him...not!

Horatio: Let four captains bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage.
Crow: Captain Spaulding, Captain Kangaroo, Cap'n Crunch...

Tom: (as the clowns enter) It's a herd of Hamlets!

Hamlet: I shall not look upon his like again.
Crow: Why were you looking at his like?

Hamlet: Frailty, thy name is woman.
Crow: I thought frailty's name was Carl.

Crow: (after Tom changes his name to Htom) Well, Htom, why don't you hlick me?

Hamlet: (to the ghost) I'll go no further.
Mike: That's not what I hear, Sunshine.

Mike: (summing up the soliloquy) So...'I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself.' That's all you needed to say!

Mike: How about some spiral-cut Hamlet?

Crow: Hey, Hamlet, why don't you ram-let?
Tom: Yeah? Shut up, Claudi-ass!

Ophelia: My Prince...
Crow: Are back from Fotomat.

Crow: Get thee to a bakery... oh wait, no...

Mike: (as Hamlet forces Claudius to drink the poison) Okay, better make out a will: I, Claudius... Heh, heh, heh. I always tell that joke when I'm dying.

Hamlet: The play is the thing.
Crow: A-bada-bada-bada-bing.

(Claudius and Gertrude embrace, Polonius enters)
Mike: Poom!
Crow: What is it, Cold Water On The Groin... I mean Polonius?

Horatio: Good night, sweet prince.
Tom: Good night!

Mike: Hamlet will be back in Thunderball.

Ophelia: My Prince...
Tom: Didn't turn out that well.

Hamlet: (to the clowns) Give us a taste of your quality.
Crow: I said quality, not idiocy.

Crow: Well, Mike, this has convinced me not to kill your dad and marry your mom.

Mike: Nice play, Shakespeare.

Mike: (in the opening scene) San Quentin Prison presents Shakespeare.