Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 10 Episode 9

Mike: (as Sgt. Ward searches for John in the cave) My father was a master bat hunter. Guess that makes me bat master's son. (chuckling) Just enjoy that one, fellas.

Sgt. Ward: You're listening to the voice of a killer.
Mike: Geraldine's boyfriend?

(the call comes in about John stealing the ambulance)
Sgt. Ward: Who is the patient who stole that ambulance?
Dispatcher: A male caucasian...
Sgt. Ward: (interrupting) What's his name?
Mike: Mr. Male Caucasian!

Mike: (describing Dr. Kipling) Hey, he's a Love, American Style doctor.

Cathy: This weekend was also supposed to be an overdue honeymoon.
Mike: And we're supposed to do the humpty-hump!
John: You're right. I can do it later, come on.
Tom: (whiny) No! I wanna do it now!!!!

Tom: So the message is: Ladies, if your husband becomes a bat, abandon your career and become one too.

(as the motel owner appears)
Crow: Alan Sues to the rescue!
Tom: It's Fred Garvin, male prostitute.

John: The caves are my home.
Crow: It's a development called Caverbury Downs.

Tom: (as the nurse runs into Sgt. Ward) Straight into the arms of Sheriff Menacing W. Pervert.

Crow: (as John gulps down the bag of blood) O Negative, now in the new wide-mouth slam can.

(describing the tramp)
Tom: Sounds like the Swedish Chef Muppet.
Crow: He's a naturally occuring clown.

(after John runs the ambulance off the road)
Tom: I really guanoed my pants on that one.
Crow: You're a complete guano head, man.

Tom: (describing Sgt. Ward) Hunter Thompson, Texas Ranger.

Sherriff: (calling on his radio) Suspect homicidal.
Tom: Hey, I'm heterocidal.

(as John escapes from the hospital)
Tom: (doing his Paul McCartney) Bat on the run, bat on the run...
Mike: The Fugi-bat.

Mike: (describing where John and Cathy are staying) It's the Bats Motel.

Mike: (describes Sgt. Ward) McClod!

Cathy: Dr. Kipling?
Tom: Riki-tiki-tavi is waiting for you.

Crow: Wouldn't it been a better movie if he had gotten bit by a cow?

Dr. Kipling: Mrs. Beck...
Mike: You're a loser, baby.

Crow: Dr. Mellow Ski Bum said it would be fine.

Crow: (seeing a red cross) Switzerland World Headquarters.

Mike: (as John makes a toast) Well, bats to you.

Mike: (seeing some mountains) I'm thirsty, let's tap those.

Mike: (as a girl is attacked by bats) Rosie Ruiz in hell.

Mike: Trying to save yourself is undignified.

Crow: (seeing the picnic) Mutual of Omaha's Mild Kingdom.

(during the opening theme)
Singer: Take me...
Tom: Out to the ball game!!

Mike: (seeing the bat's eye at the beginning of the movie) The left eye of Laura Mars.

Crow: (as Sgt. Ward picks up the empty bag of blood) He killed a bag, the animal!

Mike: (as John has his first convulsion, in Floyd Turbo voice) Mmmm, too much vapor action!

Crow: (as John and Cathy take the cave tour) This is the best non-sex we've ever had!

(at the end of the movie, as Cathy looks for John)
Crow: Now, wait a minute. How could she turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...Oh, my God!
Tom: Aaaaggghhhh!!!!!
Crow: Oh, my God, I get the shower first!
Tom: No, me first!

Mike: (as the gondola reaches the top) You know, they saved money by hooking the gondola to power lines.

Crow: (as the bat-man John runs away from Sgt. Ward) I'm flying away! Flap flap flap flap flap flap!

Mike: So a scientist gets his information from a minimum wage park service guy.

Mike: (describing Cathy) Mary Tyler Less.

Crow: (as John escapes in the ambulance) I guess by definition I'm in the bat-mobile now.