Mystery Science Theater 3000

Crow: (as Master Ninja) Osaka, hi! I haven't seen you since the first episo-, I mean, first part of the movie.

Crow: What happened to his bad back? Tom Servo: No, no, no, that was in the last episode- oh! I mean, last half of the movie.

Master Ninja: Once you start walking you won't be called a gimp any longer. Tom Servo: Well, you shouldn't be calling her a gimp now, dickweed.

(Master Ninja is on screen with a huge medallion) Tom Servo: (as Master Ninja) Hey, check out my AA medallion. Spent the morning twelve-stepping the van Patten kid.

(character prepares to run over Master Ninja) Crow: (as a racing announcer) Sho Kosugi pops the clutch and tells van Cleef to eat his dust!

Crow: This is somewhat similar to the first epis-... I mean, the first part of the movie.

Master Ninja: Pull over when you can. Max Keller: Pull over? Joel: I gotta go to the little ninja's room.

Max Keller: Here's a little warning! (Max throws a shuriken into a mirror, shattering it) Joel: Uh oh, seven years bad acting.

Max Keller: I'm looking for a girl. Joel: (as Kelly) New or used?

Guy in club: There's a little trouble in front. Crow: In Big China.

Jill: Don't you just hate dealing with it? An ex-hoofer with two daughters. Tom Servo: Hooker?

(Demi Moore's character flies away in a plane) Crow: (as Max Keller) Say "hi" to the Brat Pack!

(character sees Max Keller in security monitor) Joel: Master Ninja, I hate that show.

Master Ninja: Even Rocky had to take a couple of lessons before he went back in the ring with Clubber Lang. Tom Servo: Cl-Clubber Lang? These are fictional characters you're talkin' about! Max Keller: How do you know about Rocky? You've been out of the country for over thirty years! Master Ninja: I saw 'em on the airplane. Joel: Yeah, I tried to walk out.

Master Ninja: At the end of the war I found myself in Japan, a ticket home and nowhere to go. Crow: Why didn't you go home? Master Ninja: Something about the tranquility... Joel: The tranquility of post-war Japan?

(characters looking at Lee van Cleef) Holly: Who is he? Max Keller: Still need the answer to that one myself. Tom Servo: But he's "The Ugly." Joel: No, he's "The Bad."

(Master Ninja jump kicks rafters, bringing the roof down) Joel: (sarcastically) Oh, it started falling before he kicked it.

(Master Ninja kicks over an arcade machine) Joel: Tilt! Crow: Hey look, if you lost your quarter just fill out a form!

Guy at Bar: I've been hearin' about him down at the truck stop. Joel: It's a ninja truck stop.

(Lee van Cleef appears on screen) Crow: He looks about as much like a ninja as Irene Ryan.

Holly: Max, um, I believe you can order chilled champagne even after midnight, in case Dick Powell's company isn't enough. (bites lip) Max Keller: Won't be. Crow: ... What are they talking about?

Holly: (referring to Max's driving) Just don't stop! Joel: Oh, wowwww!

(guy throws shuriken/throwing star into Master Ninja's back) Crow: Oh, those IUDs are dangerous. Tom Servo: Boy, aren't they?

(Ninja swings Katana around like baseball bat) Tom Servo: Hey batter, hey batta batta, hey batta. Crow: Okay, uh, the couch'll be first base and invisible guy on third.

Max Keller: Halfway across the world was a man who was going to change my life, John Peter McAllister, the only occidental American to become- Crow: Ms. Japan.

Max Keller: (voice over) Hi, I'm Max Keller. (Seagull squawks) Joel: I'm a seagull.

Crow: (as John sneaks up on a ninja) Meanwhile, in the other incomprehensible plot...

Max: You always carry an arsenal with you everywhere you go? Crow: You always carry a hamster?

Joel: (as a ninja is thrown through a wall) Tonight on Bravo, Martha Graham's new dance company.