Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike: (as men start to beat up Sam) We'd like you to consider Scientology!

Sam: I must have been in some sort of coma. Crow: I was in a coma, that's probably why I don't remember it.

MIke: Boy, I hope it never stops being the 70's or we'll all be in trouble.

Tom: (on seeing Steven Bochco's name in the opening credits) Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

Crow: (over a nighttime aerial shot of Los Angeles) Smog's pretty heavy over L.A. this afternoon.

Mike: (as Abby arrives at the lab) Shoot, the secret government project ditched me!

Abby: 10 million dollars! Mike: Somebody paid too much for their muffler!

Crow: (as Abby tries to get away from the bad guys) It's so funny when a girl tries to do something.

Crow: The 70's didn't deal well with stuff that wasn't mellow.

Buffalo Bill: Smokey's gonna put you in the pokey! Mike: Then you're gonna sing crokey and skokey!

Buffalo Bill: (singing on the CB) I'm on the air, I said I'm on the air! Crow: Well, get off the air, you cracker!

Crow: (over a shot of trucks on the highway) And Mickey Mantle's new liver is transported across the country!

Mike: (describing one of the hoods as he fights with an invisible Sam) Peter Fonda is Richard Petty in The Marcel Marceau Story.

Tom: (as Dr. Hale is first seen) Gavin McLeod Mania: Not Gavin McLeod, but an incredible simulation.

Mike: (seeing a 'Caution Steep Grade' sign) You know, a steep grade for him would be like a C+.

Buffalo Bill: Looks like a bear in the air back your way. Crow: Winged bears?! Oh, my God, it's the end time!

Crow: (after the bar fight) See, crackers and hicks can get along.

Crow: (as Turkey Volume Guessing Man) Women are drawn to me as my powers are fascinating.

Crow: (describing Cupcake) She's part rodent.

Crow: Something special about Crow? Well, here's Mike to spit up all over it!

Crow: (after the car explodes) That'll put some sookie in your dookie!

Driscoll: It's time for me to get to the track. Crow: I'm running in the 440.

Mike: (after the radio blows up in the lab) I have become Death, destroyer of portable radios.

Mike: This is South Carolina's national movie.

(Sam brings the car in after the race) Crow: Uh, can you give me directions? Mike: (in hick accent) Yeah, you go around that turn, and you go around that turn one more time, and you go around that turn there. Crow: Thanks.

Mike: Cupcake, get Twinkie the Kid and Fruit Pie the Magician.

Mike: For some reason this movie was a hit with elderly black women and Hispanic lesbians.

Mike: (as Cupcake runs toward a car) Into the Cupcakemobile!

Crow: Produced in association with the Kingdom of Darkness.