Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike: David Byrne was right: Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens!!

(as Natalie and Zach run toward her house) Crow: They have a nice antibellum home. Tom: I'm anti-Bellamy Brothers, does that count?

Tommy: I think I saw something. Zach: Where? Tom: In East Dubuque. Where do you think? Right here!

Crow: (seeing the Summerfest sign) Short for 'summer festering'.

Mike: (as Zach's car leaves) I parked in the emergency zone. Screw that stroke victim!

Tom: (as Brad shows Natalie his car) Unfortunately, it's Christine.

Tom: (as Natalie leaves the hospital in a wheelchair) The Other Side Of The Mountain...of crap!

Mike: The director does buses and elevators well.

Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? Crow: We have! Can we go?

Crow: (seeing Brad as a soultaker) Father Dude.

Mike: The still pictures are even faster than the actual movie.

Tom: (as Soultaker gets off the bus) Bustaker.

Mother: (talking about Zach) I don't know what you see in him. Crow: Sweaty proletarian pecs.

Mr. McMillan: You want an official comment? Mike: I declare it 'Lick Me Day'.

Mike: Dogs can't see idiots.

Tom: (as Zach walks through Natalie's house) Coast is clear, I'm ordering a steel cage match on pay-per-view.

Observer: (to Frank) Well met, deceased one. Frank: (to Pearl) Where'd you get the Hostess Snowball?

Mother: I'll go turn on the water. Tom: I'll do a strip tease for it.

Brad: (to Soultaker): You made me wreck my car! Mike: That tightens my pants!

(describing the Summerfest band) Tom: It's an Amish band. Mike: Our hand-hewn wood CD's are available at the gate.

Crow: (describing the Angel of Death) He's a catcher's mitt with eyes.

(describing Brad) Tom: Jim McMahon! Mike: He's preparing for the mother of all combovers. Crow: He used Ban roll-on on his lips.

Mike: (as people dance) Everybody fest!

Music on Radio: We're gonna rock, we're gonna rock, we're gonna rock!!!!!! Tom: (flatly) We are planning to rock.

Mike: People showing up places: your movie, ladies and gentlemen.

Crow: It's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room.

Tom: (as a heart monitor fluctuates:) He's Rocky Mountaining.

(Soultaker walks into the middle of the road with a puddle between his feet) Tom: Leak Taker.

Tom: (as Brad teases Tommy about looking in the woods) Yeah, sorry I kept a look-out for the psycho killer!

Frank: Let's play ring-toss with your soul!

Gypsy: (to Mike) Jump up my tube, white boy.

Crow: (as Soultaker gets shot) So a 7-iron knocks him cold but a gun does nothing.

Mike: (as Tommy throws soda on the floor) Hey, I just fed the cockroaches.

Tom: Behind the fluffy surface of heaven hums a complex infrastructure.

Tom: Now they're just gratuitously postponing the nudity.

Mike: (as Soultaker looks for the other souls) This is what happens when death is run by low-level bureaucrats.