In "Swamp Diamonds," MST3K veteran Beverly Garland leads a trio of escaped lady cons (and one undercover lady cop) on a bayou search for hidden loot. Mike Connors, before he was "Mannix" and inexplicably billed as "Touch," is the hostage the women take on their swamp journey to locate the diamonds. Don't take Connors' presence in the movie as a sign that it is exciting, however. Other than a handful of catfights, the bulk of this movie is spent watching this motely crew meander their way through the swamp. There are travelogues and bass fishing competitions that are more exciting than "Swamp Diamonds."
But before we get to the main event, we have a short, "What to Do on a Date." This terminally square guide lays the foundation for the host segments in which Tom asks a very uninterested Gypsy on a date to a scavenger sale Joel and Crow orchestrate.
The movie doesn't offer the finest examples of Joel-era riffing, but the job the gang does on "What to Do on a Date" is worth the price of admission for this one.moreless
Episode Summary
EDIT
A Roger Corman movie about searching for diamonds in the swamp, featuring Mike Connors billed as Touch Connors. Also; Tom and Gypsy go on a date which does not go well for him.
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Trace Beaulieu
Crow T. Robot [0-7] & Dr. Clayton Forrester [0-7]
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Mary Jo Pehl
Magic Voice [4-7] & Pearl Forrester [7-10]
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Kevin Murphy
Tom Servo [2-10], Professor Bobo [8-10] & Cambot
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Joel Hodgson
Joel Robinson [0-5]
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Jim Mallon
Gypsy [1-8]
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Frank Conniff
TV's Frank [2-6]
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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions
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TRIVIA (0)
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QUOTES (33)
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(The title 'What to Do on a Date' appears) Crow: I need to know what not to do on a date!
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(the girls find Vera in a tree) Billie: What are we gonna do? Tom: Impose sanctions.
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Josie: (to Vera) What do you want with a town? Joel: Well, you'd always have a place to park!
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Crow: (at the end of the short) Had this been an actual date, you would have been intstructed where to go.
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Joel: Welcome to Dye-Job Theater.
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Joel: (seeing the prison) It looks like a Catholic grade school. Crow: (imitating Papillon) Our Lady of French Guyana, from which there is no escape.
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Crow: That's not Touch Connors, that's Mike Connors!
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Crow: (as Marie and Bob kiss) Apparently they've seen the how-to-date short!
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Tom: To be like the Cor-man! To live like the Cor-man!
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Joel: (describing the opening credits) It's JJ's Good Times paintings.
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Joel, Crow and Tom: (during the parade) Viva the fold out couch!
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Narrator: Yes, it was a good idea to come here. Joel, Crow and Tom: At first!
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Joel: (during the short) This is like having your mom tell you about sex.
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Tom: (as Vera falls out of the tree) Off the three-meter board, Beverly Garland!
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(as Josie tosses the spear into the ground) Joel: Wow, what a range! Crow: But no trajectory.
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Vera: Look, there's clear water up ahead! Crow: What? Creedence Clearwater, up ahead? And Canned Heat?
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Tom: Wouldn't it be funny if they just turned out to be swamp cubic zirconias? Joel: Mmm, no.
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Josie: We'll take turns. Tom: At Touch.
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Tom: In order to catch a girl, you got to think like a girl.
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Vera: I got the diamonds... Crow: You got the shaft.
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Crow: (during the climactic fight) Pepper would never have stood for this.
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Joel: (describing Josie) She looks like Vince Edwards.
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Capt. Goodrich: Sure, it's a big jungle... Joel: Apparently they brought their evil in there.
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(after the girls find the diamonds) Tom: Now, part two, the trip home! Crow: Noooo!!! Joel: Noooooooo!!!!
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Vera: Diamonds and guns ain't enough of a bargain? Crow: (imitating Prince) Diamonds and guns...
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Tom: (during a swamp scene) GAF ViewMaster presents the Okeefenokee.
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(calling for a date) Tom: Hello, Gyspy?
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Billie: I'm gonna find me a doctor, and have him change my whole face around. Crow: To the back.
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(the girls cut their jeans into shorts after drinking) Joel: They get drunk and they make shorts? Crow: Yeah, they're Daisy Mae shorts! Joel: The purpose of the movie finally revealed.
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Crow: (as Josie pulls Billie and Vera out of the swamp) Beverly Garland's bra! (whispering) I have seen the promised land!
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(during Billie and Vera's fight) Joel: It's Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills, in The Misfits! Crow: You usually find this sort of thing on pay-per-view. Tom: Hey, all-you-can-eat and a show!
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Joel: Now remember our rule: Only one dead at each place!
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Crow: Do not bring your padding here.
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NOTES (2)
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This episode was included in Volume 10 of the Mystery Science Theater Collection from Rhino Home Video.
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The scene done in the opening host segment is from the Star Trek episode This Side Of Paradise, though it is referred to by Joel as the 'Elias Sandoval' episode; referring to the character that is the head of the colony where it takes place. More info can be found here.
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ALLUSIONS (5)
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Prince: When Vera mentions diamonds and guns, Crow sings "Diamonds and guns..." to the tune of the Prince song 'Diamonds and Pearls.'
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Vince Edwards: Describing Josie, Joel said 'She looks like Vince Edwards.' Vince Edwards played Ben Casey.
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Pepper: During the climactic fight, Crow said 'Pepper would never have stood for this.' Pepper Anderson was the name of Angie Dickinson's character on Police Woman.
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Diamonds/Shaft: Vera said "I got the diamonds... ", which Crow followed with "You got the shaft." Country singer Jerry Reed did a song called 'She Got The Gold Mine(I Got The Shaft).'
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Roger Corman: Tom said "To be like the Cor-man! To live like the Cor-man!" A tribute to the film's director, Roger Corman.
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Help identifying an episode
02/28/121
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Films in need of a good riffing.
02/27/1219
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Please help with an Episode NAME!!
02/09/125
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Joel or Mike?
02/07/1223
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Worst films featured on MST3K
02/05/129
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