Mystery Science Theater 3000

Paul: I'm going away. Marta: Away? Joel: Away. You know, not here. Paul: Just as soon as I get rid of something that must be destroyed. Crow: His planter's warts?

Tom: This is all sort of a hand jive, isn't it?

Crow: 1 Adam 12, see the appendage, corner of Drukster and Main. Be advised, he's arm and dangerous.

Tom: (as the sheriff arrives at the Tarnstrom house) 1313 Mockingbird Lane, this is the place all right!

Crow: (as Paul escapes Marta's room) He's the least successful strangler in the movies. He runs around the countryside giving people Dutch rubs!

(Marta and Patsy are in Marta's room) Patsy: That exam's tomorrow and you've got to pass! You know they expect twice as much from foreign students. Tom: You know, the boys do!

(Steve and Dr. Weitzberg are in Paul's house with a Geiger counter) Crow: (haltingly) Hey, who are they trying to fool with that stud finder? Tom: Hey, they haven't found me yet. Crow: Oh, brother!

(Sheriff Townsend finds a note on his desk) Tom: It's from a place called 'Uncharted Desert Isle.' Huh. Crow: 'Dear Skipper, why haven't you sent help?' Signed, The Castaways.

(Mrs. Hotchkiss hears a noise and gets out of bed) Crow: Hey, she's wearing a drool pad. Joel: And she's putting on Dr. Spock's housecoat. Tom: Doctor or Mister? Joel: Mister. Crow: Doctor Mister? Tom: Mr. Mister. Joel: Mr. Misty-meanor. Tom: That's what you get when you rob a Dairy Queen, right? Joel: Mmm-hmm.

(at the end of host segment three) Joel: I don't know how Shatner does it week after week. Crow: I don't know why he does it or who lets him do it. Tom: I think we should just be glad he does it.

Crow: (describing Mrs. Hotchkiss) It's Harriet Nelson's evil twin.

(as Paul and Marta are on the beach, Paul falls down) Marta: Are you hurt? Steve: Ah, only my pride. Tom: And my lumbar. Crow: He landed on it.

Joel: Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: Next time I make a robot, no more free will, that's it.

(describing Paul) Crow: He looks like a cross between Jerry Mathers and James Dean. Tom: Beaver Without A Cause.

Tom: I wonder if there's an abridged version of this movie. Crow: If there is, let's burn it. Tom: Never burn your abridges.

Dr. Weitzberg: We know something kept him functioning. Steve: A substitute for oxygen? Tom: New Oxygen Light!

(Dr. Weitzberg is about to push the red button) Crow: Push that and he's an astro-not!

(Lockhart appears on the screen) Tom: Look, it's Tammy Faye Bakker. Joel: Looks more like Robert Smith from The Cure. Lockhart: Kill, kill! Crow: Looks like he needs the cure.

Dr. Weitzberg: We've only lost two men in the strangest frontier of all! Tom: Cable!