Mystery Science Theater 3000

(radio chatter giving the mantis' location) Gen. Ford: That'll put it over Newark in a few minutes. Tom: Great! We can solve two problems at once!

Ned: You'd do almost anything for a story, wouldn't you? Marge: Almost! Crow: Would you put clams up your nose?

Marge: Don't you play games with me, Ned Jackson. Tom: Not even our strip Risk?

(over a shot of the Pentagon) Crow: The devil's hideaway. Mike: Ah, they turned it into a Chrysler plant.

Tom: (after the mantis dies) Live fast, die really old.

Crow: (seeing a battleship with the number 34) The USS Walter Payton!

Col. Parkman: One other thing... Tom: I made all of this up, you dopes.

Col. Parkman: Ladies and gentlemen... Crow: Lick me!

Tom: (as Ned enters the room in a flannel shirt) Got my J. Crew shirt on, all is well.

Tom: Remember the tension and breathtaking action of that map? Wow!

Mike: (as the mantis approaches) O Little Town of Deathlehem!

Mike: (as the pilots dance) Don't ask, don't tell, but have a darn good time!

(describing Marge) Crow: Joel Grey in drag. Mike: She's like a manly Eve Arden.

Ned: I've narrowed the field to one. Crow: Should we narrow it further?

Pearl: Your reports of my death were greatly exaggerated, you crapheads!

Mike: (seeing snowy mountains) Men, commence tapping the Rockies.

Narrator: This is CONAD. Mike: And you are?

Narrator: First things first... Tom: We all went.

(as the map first appears) Mike: It's a rather useless mall map. Crow: Socks Appeal, level two.

Mike: They really had no idea what this movie was about, did they? Crow: Nope.

Narrator: For every action... Mike: There is a Jackson. Narrator: There is an equal and opposite reaction. Crow: There, I said it, and I'd say it again if I had to.

Gen. Ford: Go ahead, Joe. Crow: Let's go down to the Broadway show.

Gen. Ford: (to a policeman as they keep the mantis in the tunnel) Just keep pumping. Mike: Thank you, sir, you keep pumping too.

Crow: (over a shot of air fire) This is Bernard Shaw. I'm under the table now.

(Col. Parkman stops the car and turns to Marge) Mike: Pre-sent tongue! Crow: What's he doing with his jaw? That-that's chilling! Yuck! (the others groan) Tom: Looks like Scott Hamilton here. Col. Parkman: It's too dangerous to drive in fog like this. Remember what happened to that train back there. (they kiss) Crow: She's retracting her neck like a turtle. Mike: Brigadier General Love. Tom: Col. Feelgood. Marge: This is more dangerous. We better get going. Crow: But I got a mantis in my pantis. (Col. Parkman turns back to the steering wheel) Tom: You see, there's an Amanda Beardsley film festival... Mike: So, did you like meeting my privates-I mean the guys back at the base!

Mike: (seeing the map at the beginning of the movie) When in the universe, be sure to visit the beautiful United States.

Mike: (seeing a wrecked plane on a mountain) Hey, stop eating me! I'm still alive!

(a shot of fighter planes fades to a shot of a cargo plane) Crow: And the slower, fatter plane tries to catch up.

Tom: (as Col. Parkman sees the snow) This isn't snow, it's Bon Ami.

Crow: (as Col. Parkman and an aide see a destroyed shack) You know, maybe the Army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.

Narrator: The Pine Tree Radar Fence. Mike: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

Mike: (seeing a familiar headline) New Petitions Against Tax!

(as one of the old scientists) Mike: Where am i? Crow: When's Jell-O? Tom: I'm lonely!

Crow: (during the general's meeting with the scientists) Filmed in Bald-Spot Vision.

Narrator: Radar. Crow: Please!

Mike: (seeing wrecked radar equipment) Oh, we just can't have nice radar.

Mike: (giving his opinion of the female lead) The budget Rosalind Russell.

Gen. Ford: I want to say at the outset that contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... Crow: I'm not gay.

Tom: (seeing the headline 'Fear Of Mantis Mounting') Oh, I'd fear mantis mounting too.

Tom: Non-stop, high-speed, aggressive non-action.