Mystery Science Theater 3000

Carrie: My dress...it has ruffles on it. Tom: (as Carrie) Those ruffles have ridges.

(Bix runs to rescue Carrie) All: (to the tune of 'Jim Dandy') Big Stupid to the rescue! My Big Stupid! (Bix punches Jesse) Jesse: I was just tryin' to kiss her. She always says, 'No, no Jesse!' Crow: Now Jack has a legitimate beef there.

Carrie: Get away from me, Jesse! Joel: He's taking on a Torgo quality. Tom: Very Torgo-esque.

Danny: She's not like other girls, you oughta tell her we're leaving soon. Crow: Most girls you can just use. Bix: I'll be in the back, I have some supplies to unpack. Joel: Yeah, my heartbreaking tools came in.

Bix: (to Carrie) Some day some guy is gonna come to town and pick you out over everybody else. Crow: Over Millie and the prostitutes?

Carrie: He's always trying to touch me. Crow: Well, you are one of three women in town. Bix: I'll wait on him, see if he'd like to touch me! Tom: (as Bix) So, you wanna--hey, don't touch me!

Danny: Guess I'm not much of a fighter. Bix: What're you whispering for, it ain't no secret. Tom: (as Danny) How about that guy I groined in the knee? Bix: You know, first thing in the morning we're going to have to get some new clothes. Sheriff sees us in these rags we'll be throw in jail for vagrancy. Tom: Is that constitutional?

(Bix and Danny enter a pool hall) Crow: (as Danny) Are we going to hustle these men, Big? Danny: Change for a fifty, please. Joel: The color of Danny.

Carrie: Pa, he's the first boy I've seen that I wanna go out with. Joel: And I'm approaching menopause, for pete's sake! Carrie: Well, he's kind of easy to talk to. Tom: (as Cal) Your grandmother is easy to talk to, take a walk with her.

Bix: Well, do you think you could get back with a menu before the food goes bad? Crow: (as waiter) Food's bad already.

Joel: (as Danny) Look out Sherman, here we come! Tom: (as Bix, recurring joke) Shut up, Danny.

Carrie: Thank you, Jesse. Joel: (as Carrie) I wish that I was Jesse's girl.

Carrie: Johnny's pretty wild; you've been seeing a lot of him lately. Peggy: Well, he's better than nothing. Tom: (as Carrie) You haven't tried nothing.

Peggy: Hey, train'll be in soon. Carrie: Oh, it's just another freight. Crow: It'll still be in soon.

Police officer: See you later Carrie. Tom: (recurring joke throughout the episode) You're so very.

(a train is speeding directly towards the camera) Crow: Uh, camera three get off the track. Camera three! All: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! (immediately cuts to commercial)

Bix: What's your name, kid? Crow: Sex poodle! Danny: Danny. Danny Winslow. Bix: Bix Dugan. Joel: Big Stupid?

Bix: (to Carrie) Things you learn from me you'd be better off never knowin'! Crow: Like algebra! Eugh!

(in the alley during the fight) Crow: Frodo is in one of those barrels. Tom: Oh, that smacks of Tolkein-isn!

Tom: (describing the gang) Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons of the Apocalypse.

(talking about Jesse) Peggy: He's as harmless as a pup! Tom: Yeah, Cujo!

(Bix and Danny are walking down a road) Joel: Like father, like bum? Think about it, won't you?