Mystery Science Theater 3000

Roger: City must have been built on... Mike: Rock-n-roll!

(seeing the director credit) Crow: Virgil Vogel, va-va-voom! Mike: Veni, vidi, vici, Virgil Vogel! Tom: Virgil Vogel, vestal virgin.

Crow: (describing Dr. Baxter) You know, he gets $2 million a picture.

Adele: You'll take me with you? Tom: Well, I'd like to honey, but I'm a gay, married, impotent priest with a terminal illness and occasional herpes, and I'm a hologram on the run from the law.

(a soldier whispers into the king's ear at the table) Tom: Uh, sir, there's a little problem with the Visa card.

Crow: Folks, don't have a dirt basement if you have man-eating moles.

(as Sumerian soldiers march) Mike, Tom and Crow: (in marching cadence style) Left my wife and 49 kids on the verge of starvation with only one hamburger, left, ur-left, ur-left, right, left.

Mike: (when the sacrifice ends) Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.

(over a shot of the three women to be sacrificed) Crow: You know, they're not really sacrificing much with this sacrifice.

Crow: Is the first stage of grief pure, unbridled joy?

(after LaFarge's death) Crow: He died as he lived, a total load! Mike: Contents of Load may have shifted during death.

Crow: (describing the high priest) The world's most foppish Klansman.

Mike: (as the archeologists are captured) It's got to be humiliating, being tourtured by a Smurf.

(as the archaeologists come down the rope) Crow: Filmed in Wedgie-Vision! Mike: This movie is just ropes and asses!

Tom: (as Lefarge decends) The Fonz didn't age very well, didn't he?

(as LaFarge finds the goddess of Ishtar) Roger: How did the inscription on the oil lamp go? Tom: Do not light in heavy wind.

Crow: Treasure these brief moments when John Agar isn't talking.

Lefarge: The top of the mountain. Mike: Made it, Ma!

Mike: (as the tablet is broken) They probably shouldn't have put the world's oldest record on a cheap card table!

Stuart: (describing the tablet) One of the oldest human records. Tom: Older than Frampton Comes Alive.

Dr. Baxter: This is science fiction, of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. Mike: It's a fabulous, funny freak-out.

(the second theory) Dr. Baxter: When we think we are looking out at the sun, we're really looking... Crow: Up Miss Johnson's skirt. No! Dr. Baxter: Strange, strange... Mike: Crazy mess.

(the first theory) Dr. Baxter: Inside our world, like onion layers... Mike: Is a thin coating of butter.

(seeing the name Etiennne Lafarge in the closing credits) Crow: Etienne means Load in French. Tom: And so does Lafarge, ironically. Crow: Load Load.

Crow: Gentlemen, we've been captured by gay wrestling cheerleaders.

Crow: (giving his opinion of Tom's musical ability) Servo, you couldn't tune a kazoo!

Mike: (upon seeing several skeletons) Would you say I'm dangerously thin?

Tom: (as they approach the temple of Ishtar) They've done a good job developing the River Styx waterfront.

Crow: (as Lafarge lays down) The Load in repose.

Tom: (seeing one of the archaeologists with a loaded backpack) He brought his lucky cinder block along.

Crow: (after seeing many boxes) Free government cheese!

Mike: (after the archaeologists find a leaf on the lamp) Quick, get the tiny Zig-Zags!