Mystery Science Theater 3000

Tom: (over a closeup of Carlo's face) Carlo Lombardi for Acu-View.

(Carlo calls for the She-Creature and the ocean bubbles) Tom: (burps) Oh, excuse me. Crow: The ocean needs Zantac. (the She-Creature is superimposed over the ocean, waving its arms) Mike: No catch! No catch, out of bounds! Tom: Samurai Lobster!

Tom: (upon seeing the movie's title) The RuPaul Story!

Carlo: My subject is not herself tonight, she... she is too tense. Crow: She's a teepee and a wigwam.

Mike: (seeing Carlo in top hat and tails) Sir Topham Hatt's evil brother.

Tom: (describing Carlo) He has the raw sex appeal of Caspar Weinberger.

Carlo: I have no act. Crow: Yeah, I saw it.

Tom: (as Carlo enters the beach house) Is this the Mr. Kite everyone's always doing stuff for the benefit of?

(during the party at the beginning of the movie) Dorothy: (to Ted) Enjoying your weekend with the idle rich? Tom: When does it start?

Crow: (yelling at Olaf the butler) Go cream some fish, you squarehead!

Chappell: Play it up big. Crow: Big, nasally line reads.

Carlo: I can tell you what the reports will say... Tom: They'll say 'sleeeeeeeep!!!!'

Mike: (as Andrea leaves with Ted) It's the Federal witness seduction program.

Andrea: You've taken my soul away from me. Tom: Well, you told me to take it so you wouldn't overuse it.

Detective: What could make a footprint like that? Crow: Bill Walton?

Crow (describing the party at the beginning of the movie) Mafia goons and withered spinsters partying.

Tom: (as Carlo weasels his way into staying at Chappell's) It's Carlo Kato Lombardi Kaelin.

Chappell: (reading a newspaper headline) 'Lombardi warns of more killings.' Tom: (in French accent) Oui, I did that thing.

Carlo: Your eyes are getting heavy. Tom: Always criticize my weight!

Lt. James: Lombardi was right. Mike: Winning isn't everything.

Tom: (describing the she creature) She's got prison matron bosom.

Mike: (describing Lance Fuller) His emotional memory is the previous scene.

Carlo: What I have done no man can ever do. Crow: Take such a lame act so far.

Crow: The creature roughhouses people to death.

(newspaper headline appears: 'Beach Killer Strikes Again') Tom: Audience ready to kill selves.

Crow: The part of Carlo Lombardi will be played by a lump of melted wax.

Crow: (as Carlo and Chappell argue) This was the prequel to Jeffrey.