Mystery Science Theater 3000

(as Jessica lies in bed) Mike: I'm having impure thoughts about Pat Boone. Tom: Can you do that?

Mike: (describing Boyd) If Mike Connors and David Janssen had a baby...they'd...be in trouble.

(as the men gather to fight Gideon) Mike: A formidible force: the octogenerian, the drunk and the wuss.

(over a closeup of the charm at Jessica's neckline) Crow: The whole movie was leading up to this shot! Mike: Brought to you by the breast council. Tom: Buy breasts where you work or bank!

Gideon: So this is what mankind has become... Crow: Suburban!

Crow: $5000 was a lot of money back now.

Jessica: Gordon! Aunt Flavia! Mike: Aunt Fistula! Tom: Aunt Flatula! Crow: Aunt Caligula!

Past Prosecutor: Let his neck be stretched! Crow: So the punishment is yoga?

(as the small chest is opened) Tom: Bring me the head of Edward Mulhare!

(all sung to the tune of "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" while Boyd is on the screen) Crow: There's a thick yellow stain on my backbrace! Crow: There's a dark oily film on my headband! Mike: There's a black greasy smudge on my pillow!

Mike: (about Boyd) Did Flavia hire this guy directly out of prison?

(as Hank and Linda leave for the dance) Mike: How long do you think an oily beat is going to last at a country dance?

Mike: (as Flavia) Well, I'm going to read my favorite Shakespeare play, Meay-sure for Meay-sure! Flavia: Good night. Tom: (as Boyd) It's been a pleay-sure, ma'am.

Jessica: Aunt Flavia? Tom: Aunt Flava Flav?

Flavia: A trey-sure chest! Mike: Did you meay-sure the trey-sure chest?

(as he gets very close to the chest in order to read the inscription) Gordon: If ye valuest thy immortal soul... Crow Then you're too close!

(Gordon finds the charm) Gordon: It looks medieval. Tom: On your ass.

Crow: (after Gordon tells Jessica she's a grown girl) Oh no, she's gettin' squishy!

Jessica: I hope a tree falls on you! (the tree falls) Mike: Gidget, have you lain with the horn-ed one again?

Tom: (as Aunt Flavia tosses in her bed) Oh, E. G. Marshall, you are a bold one!

Jessica: I'm not going to leave the ranch. Crow: The ranch is going to leave me!

Crow: (on Hank the artist's abilities) His work is uncluttered by talent.

Crow: I'd like to see this resort's full-color brochure. Tom: Enjoy our crack staff, Mike and oily horseman Steve.

Gordon: (about Jessica) She worries me. Tom: Really? Why?

Crow: (describing Jessica) There's something Arch Hall Jr. about her.

Mike: (describing Hank) Sonny Corleone, dude.

Tom: (seeing the title of the movie) The Strom Thurmond Story!