Mystery Science Theater 3000

(as the gate in the opening scene heads for Mike and the 'Bots) Crow: Whoa, watch out!

Mike: See, I don't get how they billed this as a rollicking musical.

(as the townspeople approach the Strickland house chanting 'Burn the witch') Mike: It's casual. It's kind of like a Lake Woebegone witch burning. Tom: (as Garrison Keillor) Burn the witch.

Melissa: (to Jodie) Then stay, just one more day. Mike: Oh, you mean staaaayyyy!!!!!

Melissa: They say in this town that I'm a witch. Jodie: A witch?! Crow: It only rhymes with witch!

Mike: (describing the deputy) Huh. From the waist down, a woman.

Crow: (as Jodie and Melissa kiss) This is where my tongue lives.

Mike: (as Luther's sweaty back is seen) You know, with Mitchum you can skip a week, did you know that?

Mike: Enjoy the great taste of wassail. Now in cans.

Mike: (as Jodie drives off) Hey, the odometer is all sixes!

Mike: (as Old Lucinda burns) Grandma's flash paper bathrobe turned out to be a mistake.

Mike: (as Melissa unties Lucinda) This is the weirdest Big Valley ever.

Father: Yea... Crow: Team.

Father: A dreadful sound is in his ears. Mike: It's Paula Cole, I think.

Jodie: I don't understand. Crow: Much of anything, really.

Tom: They should just call Harvey Keitel over to fix things.

Melissa: I'm possessed by the devil. Tom: Michael Eisner?

Crow: Talk quicker!

(after Jodie throws up on his car) Tom: You know, a vomit-stained Maverick was hardly a rarity in those days. Mike: I'm here to tell ya, nope.

Mike: You know, this happened to me on one of my first dates, grandma killed a guy. Dated the girl for a while, though.

Mike: (as Jodie sees pictures on the wall in the shed) She's a talent agent for the Mormons.

Luther: (to the deputy) What brings you out this way? Tom: And if you say 'my squad car', I'll chain saw you in half.

Melissa: (telling Jodie about Lucinda) She's my great-grandmother. Mike: She's not that great.

Melissa: This torment can't last forever. Luther: You know that it can. Melissa: No. There's a way. Crow: Right after this!

Mike: (describing Luther) Farmer Squarehead.

Crow: (as Jodie pulls up to Ellen's Cafe) What was Anne Heche doing in there?

Tom: (as the farmer is pitchforked) When sore throat pain strikes.

(as Jodie first appears) Mike: Oh, David Spade as Satan. Crow: That's good casting.

Crow: Good night, creepy vacuous girl!

Molly: I'll fix up the sewing room. Tom: The sawing room?!

Tom: Emby Mellay? That's not a name, that's a bad Scrabble hand.

Tom: (as the movie's title appears) The Touch of Satan...softens your hands while you do the dishes!

Tom: Did all the actors drink a quart of Robitussin before shooting?

(as cars pass Jodie's on the highway) Tom: Sightsee on your own time, Beezelebub! Crow: Get off the road, ManGoat!