Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike: (describing the prison guard) Sir Ray Nitschke!

Quintus: Now the real work will begin. Dr. Olinger: What more is there to do? Crow: Well, the wall, for one thing.

Quintus: Time has little meaning in Tibet. Tom: Neither does the word 'tacoriffic.'

(during the test) Crow: I'm ready! I pulled an all-nighter! Gypsy: You studied all night? Crow: Oh, you're supposed to study?

Mike: (as Diana wakes up) Oh, I had a horrible dream I wasn't a hooker!

Mike: Yeah, Corman's a good director.

Smolken: 'Tis good Meg Maud, the mother of the toads. Tom: Boy, you have one litter of toads and people won't drop it!

(talking about the whole Diana/Helene problem) Quintus: I will have known the most intriguing drama of my life. Tom: Well, that should have been the movie!

Crow: Bottom line, can we kill the imp?!?!?

Crow: Quickly, away towards vague and confusing!

Tom: Smolken's naked sometimes, Mike. Mike: Oh, damn you, Servo.

Mike: (during the dance) You know, if Satan thinks you've gone too far, you've gone too far.

Quintus: Pendragon, wait! Mike: I am Nimrod, from the future.

Crow: If I were starting a pyramid scheme, I'd start with Pendragon.

Tom: (after Scroop gets beheaded) If this was a Coen Brothers film, he'd be in the wood chipper so fast!

(as Livia convinces Pendragon that Helene is captured again) Mike: I instantly believe you. Crow: Sir Gull of Bull.

Scroop: What if they search my place? Tom: And find my stash-eth?

Crow: (describing Meg) She's a weird old man!

Mike: (seeing Pendragon sculpting a round object) I call it Bowling Ball in Repose.

Mike: (as Helene runs away) The Fugi-witch.

Crow: (seeing "Roger Corman Presents") That's it. We're doomed.

Mike: But you're not smart! Tom: I just test well.

Tom: (as they leave the theater) It's the not-even-better-than-killing-yourself movie of the summer.

Quintus: Staaaaaaayyyy!!!!

Crow: Meg looks like Tom Glavine.

Crow: (to Pendragon) Go, Sir Sack-of-Doorknobs.

Mike: (describing Satan) This guy was never in Heaven, he was cast out of community theater.

Dr. Olinger: We're both after the same thing. Mike: Uh, you're after hair, right?

Scroop: No one can say that Scroop is one to lose his head. Mike, Crow, & Tom: Scroop is one to lose his head!

Crow: (seeing Quintous asleep) Oh, his response to the film is the same as ours.

Mike: (as the imp laughs) Now I understand dwarf tossing.

Tom: (as a knight rides past) Me in white satin...

Crow: Corman's theory of directing: Light and get away.

Smolken: Come, out of this rot. Tom: And into my rot.

Crow: (as Helene runs away from the guards) Oh, I wish I was a prostitute in the 20th century!

Mike: (as Quintus continues to hypnotize Diana) Research has shown that my lap is the best place for her.

Diana: I am nowhere. Crow: Oh, Nebraska.

Mike: He's not hypnotizing her, he's merely boring her.

Satan: Behold the subtle working of my talent. Crow: This is subtle?

Quintus: (to Diana) When I touch you... Crow: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait...

Mike: (looking at Dr. Olinger's office) Dirty, greasy walls: a short lived design fad.