Nash and Joe try to stop a crooked bail bondsman who tries to have a witness assassinated. Joe and Nash open up a private detective agency, and their first case is to locate a Cher impersonator's stolen wig. Harvey and Evan feud over a washing machine.
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Joe: You know, bubba. This is just the beginning.
Nash: Stop sayin' that. You're scarin' me.
Nash: You know, bubba. People are gonna start talkin' about us.
Joe: Not everyone here is gay. (A guy gives Nash a drink)
Nash: Why yes, as a matter of fact, they are.
Joe: Well, look at it this way, it's good for business. People see us out together as a couple, y'know?
Guy (holds out handcuffs): Hey, bad boy, I am ready when you are.
Nash: Uh, start without me.
Joe: Should I be jealous?
Nash: Do you have any 10s?
Joe: Go fish.
Binks (walks up): You people pulled me out of a bail hearing, you better have a good reason.
Joe: You know, Nash, maybe he's right. We oughta let him go.
Nash: Ah, you're right, Joe. Alright, you can go. You're on to us. We don't have anything on 'ya. But before you leave, you better just take a gander on down there. Do you have any Jacks?
Joe: Go fish.
Binks (seeing convicts board a bus): What the hell's going on here?
Joe: Oh, them? They're going on a little vacation to visit the theme parks, they'll be gone about a week.
Nash: Oh, no, no, no. Three days there, three days back, they're actually gonna be back in two weeks.
Binks: I bailed those people. They're due in court this week.
Nash: Uh, yeah, we kind of know that. (looking through files) Oh, remember this guy? Roy Spillings? Attempted murder, aggravated assault, bail $350,000.
Joe: Isn't that Spam Horner? Grand theft, $560,000 bail. What a bad boy.
Binks: You can't force 'em out of the system.
Nash: We're not forcin' anybody to do anything.
Joe: If you were about to be encarirated wouldn't you like to have a little fun first?
Nash: Do you have any 5s?
Joe: Yes, one.
Nash: Thank you.
Binks: That's illegal. They don't show up, they're fugitives.
Joe: Yeah and you forfeit $4.7 million dollars worth of bail. We know.
Nash: Oh, and we also know that the Vig that Frankie Brown used to pay the Miami mob is due next week. But since you've taken over the San Francisco operation then you would be responsible for the whole vig, two million dollars, cash.
Nash: And by my math, that leaves you about a million and a half short. Ah, but I wouldn't worry about it, not too long anyway. (laughs) You won't have to worry about it too long. Do you have any 6s?
Joe: Are you lookin' at my cards?
Binks: You can't do this.
Nash: Oh, sure we can. We can do whatever we want. But first, we should wave 'bye-bye.' (Nash & Joe wave by to the bus full of prisoners) Bye-bye. Bye-bye, boys. Have a good time.
Joe: Hasta la vista, baby. Do you have any 9s?
Nash: Go fish.
Nash: Okay, what?
Binks: Okay, I'll give you what you want. Anything, names, I'll deal.
Joe: We just want a signed confession.
Nash: Harv, why don't you buckle up Mr. Binks here? We'll be with 'ya right after we finish the game. Evan, tell our bus driver he can drop our passengers off at the hall of justice.
Nash: You know what's beautiful about this case, Joe? There's no possible way we can go downhill from here.
Joe: Good point.
Nash: Joe, I believe we have a dinner show. Where's you know whom?
Joe: Oh, she's outside. She got tired of signing autographs.
Nash: Ah, fame's a bitch.
(To Elden and Big Tiny in interrogation)
Nash: It's a game called 'I'm smarter than he is.'
Joe: And how do we play our game, Nash?
Nash: I'm glad you asked that, Joe. It's a game of skill and knowledge. I'm going to ask a series of questions.
Joe: Questions? What questions?
Nash: I'm glad you asked that. The catagories are: 'Binks, Frankie, Bail, and Potpourri.'
Joe: And what lovely prizes do we have?
Nash: Well, our lucky first place contestant gets a full pardon for his willing participation. But our loser won't go away empty handed either. No siry, bob. He'll hang like wallpaper for the rest of his natural life in San Quentin. Ready to play, gentlemen? How did Binks contact you to see if you'd go along with his bail for hire scheme? (Big Tiny puts his hand up and Elden shoves him and puts his own hand up) Ooh, gosh. I'm going to need a ruling on that from our judges.
Joe: I believe the bigger, uglier one had his hand up first, Nash.
Big Tiny: Come on. That's a ripoff.
Nash: Take it easy, Big Tiny. There are three more rounds after this one. Elden?
Elden: You don't need three rounds, I'll tell you what you want to know.
Harvey: It's your machine.
Evan: No, no, no, no. It's not my machine, it's your machine. I sold it to you, you own it. I didn't sign anything guaranteeing it, I was even going to give it you for free.
Harvey: No, but you didn't give it to me for free, you sold it to me for 150 bucks and now I'm out my Grateful Dead armband, which I know you don't care about but that happened to be a very important, spiritual, collector's item.
Evan: Great! Hallajuah! You know what, Harv? I got a little newsflash for 'ya, Jerry Garcia's been dead and buried for the past three years and I got one suggestion for 'ya, get over it! (Harvey opens the passenger door to his car) Your car. Am I gonna drive? (Harvey slams the door and storms to the other side of the car)
Harvey: Take that back.
Harvey: No, you wanna take that back, man.
Evan: No, I do not wanna take that back.
Harvey: You knew that machine was faulty when you sold it to me, didn't 'ya?
Evan: I, what?
Harvey: Of course you did. Why else would you be so anxious to get rid of it?
Evan: Harv, you better turn in your gun because I think you're having some type of LSD flashback.
Harvey: We'll resolve this.
Evan: Excuse me?
Harvey: You heard me.
Nash: So go back and talk to Latesha, okay?
Joe: No, no, not okay.
Joe: She unnerves me, okay?
Nash: Michelle, take Joe back to interrogation and protect him from Latesha.
Michelle: Don't worry, Joe. You'll be safe with me.
Nash (about Cheryl): What's she doing here?
Joe: Ah, she's a little fragile.
Nash: I know that in some alternative universe that's an answer to my question.
Joe: Nash I have to go over to the--
Nash: The asylum? What, the pyromaniac on the fourth floor use our couch as kindling?
Joe: No, Pepe called up and said our client is having a little meltdown.
Nash: Okay, good. You handle it. Oh, listen did you call the Hammerhead club and get a beat on Kenny?
Joe: Yeah, they fired him last week.
Nash: Well, that's wonderful. Thank you. That's very nice.
(Elden is coming after them with a chain)
Nash: Elden, this is your lucky day. I need you alive, Elden.
Elden: I need you dead. It's time you and I settle our differences, dude.
Nash: Elden, this is a gun and that's a chain are we clear on that?
Elden: You gonna shoot me? Go ahead, shoot. Shoot! (charges at them with the chain)
Joe: What do you wanna do?
Nash: What do you mean what do I wanna do? I wanna shoot him.
Elden: Go ahead, shoot.
Joe: A lot of paperwork.
Elden: Shoot, huh? What'cha gonna do?
Nash: Plus I need the bastard alive.
Elden (charges them again): Shoot! Come on, shoot!
Joe: You two settle your differences I'll be here on the curb, huh?
Nash: Listen, if I lose, kill that son of a bitch. (Nash picks up a crow bar and fights Elden and knocks him out)
Joe: Oh, you reached out and touched someone.
Nash: Thanks a lot for all the help.
Joe: Don't mention it.
Nash: Give me my gun back.
Joe: Oh, I just ran into an old friend of mine, Henry Valez. This is my partner, Nash Bridges. Uh, we've been together for a long time.
Henry: How long?
Joe: Oh, 20 years.
Nash (puts his arm around Joe and smiles): And the magic has never stopped. Honey, we should go.
Guy: You lookin' for something?
Nash: Someone. A guy who does a Cher impersonation. You know anything about that?
Guy: Close your eyes, cowboy. I can be anyone you want me to be.
Nash: Well, open your eyes, Pocahontas 'cause I'm a cop. Now, answer the question if you can.
Guy: Oh, I get it.
Nash: No, you don't. Go buy yourself a Shirley Temple.
Guy: Oh, no, no, no. Role playing, right? You're gonna be the cop and I'm gonna be the bad, bad boy. Where are your handcuffs? Let's go.
Nash (grabs the guy by his shirt): Now get this, bubba. I'm a little busy here and you're annoying me. Now, is there any part of this that you don't understand?
Guy: No, I understand 'no'.
Nash: Do you understand 'Bye-bye'?
Nash: Stop thinking.
Joe: I didn't say a word.
Nash: You didn't have to. I can hear you in my head. Alright, I'm in.
Nash: You got me, babe.
Nash: Did you try going to the police?
Cheryl: Yeah, they laughed at me. They told me that this case was too ridiculous for them to take.
Nash (to Joe): Too ridiculous for them. Can you imagine?
Cheryl: So, when Pepe told me about you two-- Well, you people have been so loyal to me over the years, I just wanted to give something back. (Nash looks at Joe, confused)
Joe: Th-The gay community, you know. With us as members of it.
Cheryl: Do you know what it's like to lose everything?
Nash: Uh, yes. I'm familiar with that.
Joe: Yeah, Nash recently suffered some loses himself.
Pepe: Luckily he still has you, Joe.
Nash (about their detective agency's office): Wait a minute. I know this place.
Joe: You do?
Nash: Yeah, wasn't there a murder/suicide here a few weeks ago? Yeah, a patient came in, blew his therapist away, and then killed himself, right?
Joe: Yeah, well, that might be true.
Nash: Joe, it is true because the body was right there. I remember seein' the crime scene photos.
Joe: Hey, why do you think we're getting the first three months free?
Pepe: Yoo-hoo, boys. Champagne's getting flat.
Nash: I'm not drinking.
Joe: Come on, just a sip for good luck. Hey, where 'ya goin'? Come on.
Nash: Back to planet Earth.
Nash: Oh, no, no, no. I know this building. It's 421 Grey Street, it's head shrink central. Every office in this joint is a psychiatrist.
Joe: I know that. You think I don't know that?
Nash: So this is your big surprise? You got me an appointment with a head shrinker? I know the problem. I'm broke!
Joe: Well, not for long brother, come on.
Nash: Oh, man.
Nash (on the phone): Well, I assumed that since he lived with me and he's my father, that he was covered under my policy. Excuse me. Are you aware that your voice sounds automated? (looks at his phone) She hung up on me. Unbelievable.
Joe: Hospital bill?
Nash: Yeah, I owe 18,000 bucks. Apparently when Nick had his heart attack he wasn't staying in the hospital he was in a 5-star hotel.
Joe: Well, I got a solution for 'ya.
Nash: I don't wanna hear about any off-duty cases.
Joe: No, no, no, no. It's much bigger than that.
Nash: Now I'm really scared.
Joe: Come on, bubba. I look out for 'ya, man. How many people in your life look out for 'ya?
Nash: Joe, I hate those cases. Alright, once in a blue moon one comes along that's quick and profitable, fine. But for the most part, they're a pain in the ass.
Joe: You don't like the extra money?
Nash: After your agency gets through with their cut? No, I don't. And I don't like the cases. They're all a bunch of nutbags.
Joe: Well, this time I got it all figured out. What time is it?
Nash (checks his watch): Five to-- Why?
Joe: I would tell you but it would ruin the surprise.
Joe: I know, I know. You don't like surprises, but you're gonna like this one.
Latesha: I hope you got a warrant there, Nash Bridges. 'Cause my cousins sister-in-law knows who used to clean Bailey's brother's pool. You know what I'm sayin', right?
Nash: No. You lost me after sister-in-law.
Joe: Hey, tell 'ya what. How about you let me buy lunch today?
Joe: Ah, there's just this new Santa Fe place that I want you to see.
Nash (sighs): First of all, there's no such thing as new Santa Fe anymore. There's only so many things you can do with blue corn. Secondly, I am not destitute so stop treating me like I am. I have an income.
Joe: So this dame we're gonna go pick up, this Latesha, she's a money launder for the mob, right?
Nash: And what would the vague point here be?
Joe: Maybe she knows some good money tips.
Nash: Are you tryin' to piss me off?
Joe: I'm just tryin' to help 'ya.
Nash: I got a good way to help, stop talkin' about it.
Joe: Look, it's our niche market. There's gay doctors, gay lawyers, gay dentists, we're gay detectives.
Nash: Yeah right, except for the gay part.
Joe: Look, you have a little success, you get a reputation, you know.
Nash (exasperated): I don't think I can take it anymore.
Joe: We develop a client base in the gay community where we're known, and okay, then we start building up our revenues, then we'll get firmly established, we come out.
Joe: We'll come out as straight.
Nash: Joe, we are out. I mean, I mean we're in. Stop talking. Just stop talking.
James Gammon (Nick), does not appear in this episode.
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