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Elliot Van Appen
Nick: Great, son. Now you can let us out.
Nash: Actually, first we have to arrange for the cancellation of the arraignment. And then the D.A. has to officially drop the charges.
Nick: How long will that take?
Nash: Uh, I don't know. Harv?
Harvey: Usually no more than six, seven hours.
Lynette: Nash, that's all night. Can't you just bend the rules a little bit?
Nash: Well, I could but I know how strongly you feel about city officials misusing their positions. So, it won't be long. Harv, wanna grab some dinner?
Harvey: Yeah, sure. Joe won't mind?
Nash: Ah, no. We have an arrangement. Now look, I'll pay if you chose.
Harvey: Oh, my kind of date.
Nash: Evan, did you find your badge yet?
Evan (to Harv): D-Did you tell him?
Harvey: He just knows these things. Don't ask me how.
Joe: Ah, don't blame yourself.
Iris: I'm not, I'm blamin' you. (laughs) Just kidding.
Nash: You guys act like you almost tolerate each other. What gives?
Joe: Ah, we still can't stand each other.
Iris: Loathe. I'd use the word loathe, wouldn't you?
Joe: Loathe is good.
Iris (about a facial recognition program): Oh, we got one of these back in New York. They're great. You can put men in women's clothes, women in men's clothes. Well, I guess that's nothing novel in this state.
Joe (on the phone with Inger): Hello? Oh, hi, Inger. I can't talk right now honey. (in Swedish) She left her broom in Brooklyn. (now in English) Yeah, buh-bye.
Iris (in Swedish): Suck my icicle.
Joe: You speak Swedish?
Iris: I married a Swedish guy.
Joe: No way. I married a Swedish woman.
Iris: Well, I hope yours works out better than mine.
Joe: Yeah, well, so far so good. You got kids?
Iris: Three last I checked.
Joe: Hey, you do that Christmas tradition of dipping the bread in the ham broth every year?
Iris: I was in charge of modding the urn.
Joe (laughs): Are these people crazy or what?
Iris: My in-laws are from Ludvika. What about yours?
Joe: No way, mine are from Fagersta about thirty minutes away. You know, if it's not to cold to start your car in the morning.
Iris: Of course. Did you ever go to that restaurant in Nynäshamn?
Joe & Iris: The Svesta.
Joe: It's the only one there! (they laugh)
(Joe is changing a flat tire)
Iris: Aren't you supposed to jack the wheel up first?
Joe: No, you're supposed to loosen the lug nuts and then jack up the tire.
Iris: Doesn't sound right, I think you're supposed to jack it up.
Joe: Well, you know what, since I'm doing the work, why don't you let me do it my way?
Iris: Look, I offered to help 'ya.
Joe: Oh, yeah. Why don't you just go stand over there? That'd help me a whole lot.
Iris: Oh, don't get short with me, baldy.
Iris: I'm too intense, I guess. At least, that's what my ex-husband tells me. That's the nice things he says.
Nash: I had no idea yous split up. I'm sorry.
Iris: Ah, don't be. 27 years of marriage, 3 kids, 2 grandkids. We both just got tired. He pages me one day-- pages me, to tell me he just can't take it anymore. I'm on a stake-out. I didn't even argue, I just said 'fine' and hung up.
Nash: That's a beute.
Nash: Well, we better get back. I mean, it's been 20 minutes since you pissed off Joe.
Iris: Ooh, I'm goin' through withdrawals. Let's go. (Nash laughs)
Nick: We were hailing down a cab to go shopping.
Lynette: And it pulls over and this obnoxious, chiseling little weasel in a three piece suit steps in front of us and starts to get in our cab.
Nick: And when we told him it was ours, he gave us some cock and bull about being a city official.
Lynette: So we told we didn't care if he was the mayor. I mean, this was our cab.
Nash: No, no. Tell me it wasn't the mayor.
Nick: It was the city manager.
Nash: Th-- Larry Gosset, the city manager?
Nick: Yeah, that's him. Larry Gosset.
Lynette: Yeah, so Gosset starts to get in our cab so I just cut in front of him. I was totally friendly.
Nick: And he pushed her, you know, a lady. So I pushed him back, you know, I had to defend her honor.
Lynette: And then he took a swing at Nick.
Nick: And she decked him. Yeah, beautiful right cross. It kissed him right on Cupid's bow. Bam! I could even see his stars.
Nash: So... So, basically what you're saying to me is, that you assaulted the city's third most powerful politician?
Nick: He deserved it, son.
Nash: For taking your cab?
Lynette: It was the principle, Nash.
Nash (sighs and rubs his head): Okay. Alright, well, you guys go home and I'll see what I can do to straighten this mess out. (Nick & Lynette stand up, Nash sees that they are handcuffed) Wa-Wait, wait, wait. What's that?
Lynette: Well, see, this is the really lousy part, because that weasel, he flags down a cop and he has us both arrested.
Nick: Assault and battery.
Nash: Oh, man. Alright, Ronnie, cut 'em loose.
Lynette: No. No way. No preferential treatment. You see? This is exactly the elistest entitlement that we're going to fight against.
Nash: No, you're not.
Lynette: Yes, we are. We're going to take this to court.
Nick: We're making a statement. We're going to stay in jail until the arraignment.
Lynette: Yeah. We're gonna go to prison if need be.
Nash (laughs): This is ridiculous. Alright, Ronnie, take 'em away.
Lynette: Attica! Attica!
(At a crime scene)
Nash: Alright, Harv, gimme a list of all Kendall's enemies. Especially any that have ties to alarm companies. Canvass the neighborhood, get statements and make sure these CSU boys dust this place as if it were a museum. And uh, find out where that doll came from it looks kinda rare. (A little later Iris comes in giving orders)
Iris: Hey, Harvey come here. I want you to find out where this doll came from. Also I want a list of anyone who knows Kendall who has a job or access to alarm companies, alright? (Nash and Joe are laughing, Iris turns to a CSU guy) You guys dust every inch of this place, alright? Unis, come here. (Nash is laughing) I want you to scour the neighborhood. Someone must've seen this guy. He was probably wearing a disguise, you know, in order to smuggle in the doll and the candles. All right? (Unis look at Nash)
Nash: You heard her, go.
Iris: Nash could you please talk to your guys and tell them it's okay to take orders directly from me?
Joe (to Nash): You see what I mean?
Iris: It happens to be my case here.
Joe: No, no, no, it happens to be our case.
Nash: I am going to throw you both off the case if you cannot act civil. Now this is in San Francisco, so it's an S.I.U case. And Joe, you will respect her as you would any officer of her rank. Now make up. You heard me make up. (Iris and Joe shake hands and end up arm wrestling) I don't believe this.
Harvey (about helping Evan find his badge): Alright, I'll tell 'ya what. I'm gonna help you, but if I do you have to lay off women for one month.
Evan: What? Wh-What? What?
Harvey: You need to reassess the way you the fairer sex, okay?
Evan: Come on.
Harvey: In India for instance, celibacy is the road to Nirvana. It's called brahmacharya.
Evan: Yeah, a name which resembles a very bitter medicine.
Harvey: Well, you need to clear your head. You need to release sexual tensions and thoughts, you need to learn to treat women with respect. Treat 'em as human beings instead of say, you know, recreational vehicles.
Evan: Okay, look, look. I've learned my lesson, okay? Next time, I'll get a name, alright?
Evan: Alright, let's-- Let's comprimise here. How about two weeks?
Harvey: No, no, no. There's no negotiating where enlightenment is concerned, Evan. Okay, you want my help? One month. No women, period.
Evan: Okay, one month, fine.
(Iris is sitting in the front seat of the 'Cuda)
Joe: Uh, excuse me, that's my seat.
Iris: Just get in the back, Joe.
Joe: Ha! No, no, no, you get in the back. You see, that's my seat. And you know it's my seat, and it's been my seat since the beginning of time so... (motions to the back)
Nash (to Kendall): You see, this is good practice for you to see this in case you ever decide to have kids of your own.
Iris: I don't see your name on this seat. This is Nash's car. (to Nash) This is your car, isn't it, Nash? Alright.
Joe: Nash, will you please tell her?
Nash: Oh, no, no, no. Too dangerous.
Joe: Look, get in the back seat or I'll make you get in the back seat.
Iris: Are you threatening me, Dominguez?
Joe: As a matter of fact I am. (Iris gets out of the car and starts hitting Joe with her purse)
Nash: If you want a ride, you better get in. (to himself) Oh, boy. It's gonna be a long case.
Harvey: I don't suppose that you noticed that there is an incredibly stunning super model sitting at my desk.
Evan: Yeah, that's great, Harv.
Harvey: Sitting in my chair. Touching my phone, the phone I use everyday.
Evan: Yeah, that's wonderful. Have you seen my badge?
Harvey: You were wearin' it yesterday.
Evan: Look, I met this girl last night and she spent the night at my apartment. This morning she was gone and the badge was gone. You do the math.
Harvey: Why don't you just call her?
Evan: Well, I don't have her number and I don't remember her name.
Joe: Listen, I've taken the liberty of checking you out of you hotel, Park 55, excellent hotel by the way, great staff. You know, they helped me move your bags and they're waiting right out front in a taxi.
Iris: Are you tryin' to get rid of me?
Joe: Uh, here's your plane tickets, you and your prisoner and booked on a 10:00AM flight to J.F.K, extradition papers, copy of your hotel bill. (hands Iris all the papers) Bye-Bye.
Iris: Before I leave, I just wanna say what an incredible pain in that ass you've been for the last three days, Joe.
Joe: Oh, thank you very much and there's a name for you, too, and it rhymes with, uh, itch.
Nash: All right, now, let's kinda move back to neutral corners, shall we?
Iris (to Joe): What's the matter, you got PMS or somethin'?
Joe: What's the matter? You have ESP? Extra scary personality? (Iris shoves a rack full of folders from Nash's desk at him)
Nash: Knock it off! What is it with you two, anyway?
Joe: She's rude and abrasive.
Iris: Surly and uncooperative.
Nash: Alright, you're never going to have to see each other again. (they find out that the guy they caught turns out to be innocent and Iris has to stay longer)
Iris: I think I'll kill myself.
Joe: Need any help?
Iris (to Nash): Do you see what I mean? Do you see what I mean?
Nash: Give me a minute.
Iris: Do you see what I mean with him?
Nash (walking over to Joe): Just gimme a minute. Can I talk to you? (pulls Joe over to the side) Look now, I know you two got off on the wrong foot, but she's one of the best cops that I've ever worked with and I'd really like her on our team. Alright?
Joe: Okay. She's not better than me, right?
Nash: Nobody's better than you.
Joe: Those were the right words.
Nash: Case closed.
Joe: You can go back to New York then.
Iris: Not soon enough.
Joe: Soon enough for who?
Nash: You know, I'm almost gonna miss all those warm fuzzy feelings you two have for each other.
Iris: Yeah, well, I can always come back an visit.
Nash: I said 'almost', Iris.
(To Zack who's now in custody)
Iris: Oh, tell it to your cellmate, bubba.
Nash: Hey, hey, hey! I got a patent on that!
(About a show girl)
Iris: Oh, quit droolin', Joe. I'm stepping in puddles here.
(After Nick and Lynette get arrested for assaulting a city official who was an ass and pushed Lynette first, and they don't want special treatment from Nash, Nash finds out they're using his name to threaten city hall. Now they are in a holding cell in the SIU)
Nash: You're using my name, my email to threaten legal action?
Nick: It seemed like a politically prudent thing to use a name he was familiar with.
Nash: Do you want your granddaughter to go to college? 'Cause that's damn sure not gonna happen if I get fired.
Nick: You're not gonna get fired.
Nash: You're right I'm not gonna get fired, because I'm gonna call the mayor myself and tell him that my lunatic family is behind this.
Nick: You're always telling me I should be more active. Well, I haven't been this fired up in years. What's more fun than fighting city hall?
Nash: Golf? Uh, bowling? Maybe two games of poker a week. Make one of 'em strip poker.
Nick: We're suing the city and the city manager for false arrest and inprisonment.
Nash: You two can walk outta here right now.
Lynette: Yeah, but we don't want to.
Nick: We're commited to this fight.
Nash: No, no. You committed me to this fight. No more using the cell phone. No more calling the press. No more grandstanding.
Nick: I thought I brought you up with a little more backbone. We're fighting for the little man. Now if you were half as intrested in my case as you were all your other cases, you'd see we're doing the right thing.
Nash: Come on you guys, get outta here. Let's go, come on.
Lynette: Hell no, we won't go.
Nash: All right fine. No more special treatment. (grabbing the cell and computer) The cell phone and computer are outta here, gone. All this fancy-smancy snack food it's over with. Outta here. (to Nick) Extra trips to the john, ha ha! That's done. Now this is a jail. Not summer camp. Now then Johnny get the rest of this crap outta here. (starts walking out but turns around quickly and walks back in the cell and grabs something else to throw out and walks out, then quickly walks back to shut the door)
Iris: Nash, what usually happens when someone gets seasick on this barge?
Joe: Usually we just throw 'em over the side. Why, you feeling quesy?
Iris (to Nash): See what he does? Do you see what he does?
Nash: Okay, neutral corners. Let's take a walk you and me. (grabs her hand and starts pulling her towards the door)
Iris (to Joe): We're takin' a walk.
Joe (to himself): Yeah? Why don't you take a long walk, off a short pier.
Iris (about Joe): What a beautiful image that is.
Penny Marshall is credited as a Special Guest Star.
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