NCIS

Tony: Hey listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know... Ziva: (interrupting) This is not your fault, I know. Tony: Uh, no, I was going to say your life would have had more meaning if you would have slept with me. Ziva: If you had anything else in your mind, Perhaps I would have. Tony: Really? Ziva: Um, no.

Tony (after finding the explosives): Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Ziva: Perhaps, if it involves a violent and a painful death.

(Captors speaking foreign language) Tony: You understand that gibberish? Ziva: A little. Tony: What's he saying? Ziva: They're either discussing letting us go, or the best way to murder us. It's a complicated language!

Tony: Friction burns? (on Ziva's knees) Ziva: Yeah, what difference does it make? Tony: Ah, it doesn't. I was just wondering how you got 'em. Ziva: Well, if you live long enough, maybe I'll tell you someday. Tony: You know, I can only think of two ways. Were you and McGee and Palmer playing Twister? Ziva: What's a Twister? Tony: Exactly. That means you were having... (gets interrupted)

Ziva: Counting your riches, King Cole? Tony: Midas. King Cole had a merry old soul.

Tony: Well OUR money doesn't smell. Here, try it. Give it a little sniff. Ziva: Ooh God! It smells like stale alcohol and... your armpit. Tony: Hmmm. Well the point is it doesn't smell like ink.

Ziva: You know what? You're brilliant! Genius! Tony: You know sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind?

Abby: (runs and hugs Ziva) I'm glad you're not dead. Ziva: Me too.

Tony: (after a bullet ricochets through the box) Why are you on top of me? Ziva: I'm protecting you, Tony! Tony: Don't! Ziva: Well, you didn't seem to mind when we were undercover. Tony: That might have had something to do with the fact that you were naked! Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here.

Tony: (after finding a lot of cash) Ziva, when we get out of here, I'm buying you a house! (pause) But it's going to have to be a fake one... because this money is counterfeit.

Abby: Why does he do that Ducky? (about Gibbs) Ducky: Do what? Abby: Withhold.

Tony: What is it about being locked in a box that makes me so...
Ziva: Horny?
Tony: ...Hungry.

Tony: Maybe there's a crate full of DVD players in here? Ziva: Ooh... let's not forget the battery-operated generators and the popcorn machines!

Tony: I'm not getting any reception. How about you? Ziva: I'm braless! Tony: I noticed that earlier, but on your phone there are bars...

Tony: I've never even been to your place and you are cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin... At what point did the earth come off its axis?

McGee: Where are you going? Ziva: I've been locked in a box all day, the ladies room.

Ziva: I think we've been screwed in here Tony. Tony: The term is bolted. Ziva: Same difference.

Gibbs: You see that? McGee: That guy back there? (Gibbs backs the car up) Gibbs: The guy stuffing money in his pockets.