NCIS

(Ziva and Tony in the elevator. They're both angry after finding out that they were lied to by Director Vance about their mission) Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration? Ziva: Look, I too had hoped things would be different by now. Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind. Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare. Tony: I'd like to take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar. Ziva: You have had enough of this job then? Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. I wasn't kidding about that part earlier.

Gibbs: I didn't come down here to get my head shrunk. Ducky: What did you come for? Gibbs: Just killing time. Ducky: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?

Tony (to Ziva): Last thing I remember before the lights went out was you kimbo-slicing through a room full of guards? Was that a reflex?

(Tony talking to the Marine at the body drop location, waiting for the M.E.) Marine: How many trucks you guys got? Tony: Well, you've already met Widow Woman and Spider Mike here. (McGee nods and Ziva salutes) Rubber Ducky makes it a great big convoy- park it right there, Love Machine! (holding his hands up for Palmer to stop in the M.E. van) We're gonna be rocking through the night here, Smokey. Gibbs: DiNozzo, would rather not. Tony: East bound and down Snow Man, Bandit out! (Tony walking quickly to follow the Marine) Tony: See what I did there? Pretty good, seamless transition from Convoy to..... Marine: (Cutting Tony off) Yep. Smokey and the Bandit, I got it. (sarcastically)You - are - a - comic genius! Tony: Thanks. (Tony snaps pictures quickly capturing the Marines access code to the secure door, the Marine notices and looks at him Tony inverts the camera to take pictures of the edge of the roof) Tony: You got some structural damage there, Deckard. That's from Blade Runner.

(McGee is trying to convince Abby to let him into the lab) Abby: Just a second! I'm... I'm in the shower!

(Whispering to Tony while they're hiding in a closet) Ziva: Stop breathing!

(Tony rants about being made into a chump for the grand mole hunt plan) Gibbs: Are you done? Tony: Excuse me! I'm not comfortable with the hand up the backside! You let the toothpick use us as puppets! Gibbs: No I didn't. Tony: You didn't? Gibbs: No. It was my plan. Tony: Oh. (Tony looks at Ducky) That's much worse! (While nodding his head up and down)

Ziva: What is this place? Lieutenant: That's classified. Tony: Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Bigfoot? Ark of the Covenant? (no response from Lieutenant) That only leaves one thing. (Ziva and McGee look at each other as Tony looks at the both of them, McGee and Ziva speak in unison) Unicorn.

Director Vance (on the phone): Get me security. Assistant: Anyone in particular? Director Vance: All of them!

Marine: What's your clearance? Tony: About 6 foot 1 and a half. Why, you got low ceilings?

McGee: You know what they say about a watched pot, Tony. Ziva: It calls the kettle black. McGee: It never boils.