NCIS Season 4 Episode 20

Ziva: Maybe we should spitball ideas and see what sticks. (McGee and Tony stare.) What? Did I get it wrong?
Tony: No, you got that one right.

Gibbs: Nice of you to join us, DiNozzo.
Tony: I thought I was gaining ground. He had a very unorthodox running style.

Tony: What makes you think we're looking for a psychopath?
Crawshaw: Don't you read crime novels? There's always a psychopath.

(McGee puts on an old record)
McGee: It's jazz, it helps me clear my mind.
(Tony shakes his head)
Tony: Coltrane is jazz, McGee, this is the soundtrack to a bad 70's porno shot in the San Fernando Valley.
McGee: I'm just trying to re-enact every detail of my writing process here, okay?
Tony: (holding his ears) I'm sorry did you say something, my ears are bleeding and I can't.. I can't... (McGee turns the record off) Thank you.

(Ziva sniffs a cocktail she found in the kitchen)
Ziva: Urgh, if smells could kill, I think we just found our murder weapon.

Ziva: Well, McGee feels bad enough.
Tony: Only makes it worse that he admitted it.
Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.
Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Ziva: (laughs) When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Tony: Yeah, I mean the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Tony: Would never happen.

Gibbs: You figure it out McGee. You write the ending to this or the killer will.

McGee: I like my typewriter.
Tony: But it doesn't like you. It's a classic tale of an unrequited love between a boy and his machine.

McGee: The blood starts at the ping pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: Oh, this is tragic. Don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.
McGee: Nope. Never.
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studied.
Tony: That figures.

Tony: What d'ya call that?
Gibbs: Running. I think.

Tony: What d'ya have Abs?
Abby: Three hours sleep.

Gibbs: How many more characters did you base on real people? (McGee doesn't answer) Hey! How many! (the team stares at him)
McGee: ... Just the team. You, Tony, Ziva, everybody. (he turns to Tony) You happy Tony, I finally admitted it. I based both my novels on you guys.

Ducky: From what I hear Timothy, in your next novel, LJ Tibbs has a love interest, (Gibbs turns and stares at McGee) yes, I hear that it's an Army-
McGee: Ducky I don't think we need to talk about that-
Gibbs: Army what... McGee?
McGee: Uh, Lieutenant. (Gibbs stares at him disbelievingly).. Colonel. Lieutenant Colonel. (Gibbs grins)

McGee: Okay, I've told you before, the book is not about you guys.
Tony: No, of course not! It's about Special Agent... Tommy.
Ziva: And, Officer Lisa.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: And... L.J. Tibbs!

Tony: No you may not use me to get over your writer's block.
Ziva: McGee has writer's block?
McGee: No, McGee does not!
Ziva: Just do what you did last time... write about us!

(Tony is reading the draft of McGee's third novel)
McGee: Tony?
Tony: (holds up one finger while reading) .....nnnnnnn... Done!
McGee: So?
Tony: I am confused.

Abby: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby: No...
Gibbs: Then Amy is on her own.

Abby: Did you know it's a bad idea to flush voodoo dolls down the toilet?
Tony: I do now.

Gibbs: Are you okay, Abs?
Abby: With all the bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spiderman.

Tony: Ah! I am using muscles I didn't even know I had! No wonder you're stuck at chapter six.

Tony: Ziva's right, Probie, it's not your fault, but if you even think about writing a third novel, I'll kill you.
Ziva: When Abby finds out who her character really fell in love with, you will already be dead.

Abby: Where's Gibbs?
Ziva: Chomping out McGee.
Tony: You mean chewing.

Ziva: McGee, you look like you saw a goat.
McGee: Huh? Oh, you mean ghost.

McGee: Works to live and lives to party. Ahem, his CO's words.