NCIS Season 5 Episode 2

Abby: God! I love my job!

Tony: I said I'm fine. (walks away)
Ziva: (stops him) You are not fine; you are still deeply troubled!

Tony: (after Ziva walks into the men's room) You know I saw this on Cinemax once.
Ziva: So what happens now?
Tony: They play some funky music and then you say, "I've been watching you from afar".
Ziva: Well, I've been watching you from afar Tony, which is why I know how much you cared for Jeanne.
Tony: (laughs) Ahhh, your timing is impeccable Ziva.
Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left... so, what happens now?

Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time; to leave your entire life for her?

Abby: (the team walks into the lab to see Abby doing jumping jacks) Hi Gibbs!
McGee: Abby.. I think you gotta lay off the caffeine again.
Abby: Well maybe I need a little more McGee! Ever think of that? Baby missing!

Tony: (trying to convince them it's a real dentist appointment) I sent you an email for a leave request like two days ago! (pause) You... don't check your e-mail! Never mind. (walks back to desk)

Abby: So, what do you have for Gibbs?
McGee: Nothing, why? Is he on his way down here?
Gibbs: (walking in) Nope, he's here.
Abby: And he's talking about himself in the third person. I like it!

Nicky: You don't lie to someone you love.

Ziva: I believe he had real feelings for her McGee.
McGee: I don't doubt that... see what she looks like?

McGee: The more I think about it, the more I can't believe we fell for it... Tony with a girlfriend!

(Abby finishes her second Caf-Pow and picks up a third)
McGee: I thought you quit.
Abby: McGee! There's a baby missing, that might need medical attention! I have to be at the top of my game!
McGee: Well, you're going to be spending most of it in the bathroom.

Nicholas: Am I in trouble?
Gibbs: Prosecution's gonna call it attempted murder. Your lawyer's gonna call it self-defense.
Nicholas: What do you call it?
Gibbs: Family.

Ziva: Gibbs does not accept apologies, but I do.
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva. I know you were just trying to help.

Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Tony: Hey, she followed me in there!
Ziva: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
(Gibbs stares at him)
Tony: Shutting up, Boss.

Tony: (to Ziva) If this is a pep-talk, I give you a D-.

McGee: Alright I think I know what happened here.
Tony (pulls a note out of his pocket): Twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody understands again!
McGee: The GPS co-ordinates came bundled in a proprietary packet. Since it was a beta, I thought...
Gibbs: Starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.

McGee: What was it like?
Tony: Sex? Losing your virginity? It's good.
McGee: Pretending to be someone else.
Tony: Oh, I don't know, Elf-lord!
McGee: You were really in love with her, weren't you?
Tony: Don't you have some more typing to do?

Tony: (looking at the pictures of the stripper with the old ladies) I wonder if Ducky has dreams like this. Gibbs probably isn't too far behind. He's right behind me, isn't he? Sorry about that, Boss.
Gibbs: Gonna be your dreams, too, one day, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: You got something, DiNozzo.
Tony: Yeah, dentist appointment. (Everyone gives him a doubting look.) No, this is for real, guys!

(After discovering the dead Marine worked as a stripper)
Ducky: This is not an uncommon way for young servicemen to complement their incomes. If fact when I was young I used to - (Ducky pauses to look at the body)
Tony: Used to what?

McGee: (holds up keyboard stuck to his fingers) Boss, Tony...
Gibbs: I know. (hands McGee polish remover) Are you ever gonna learn, McGee?

Ziva: It was a simple question, McGee.
McGee: Yeah, one I would expect from Tony, not you.
Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood. I'm not asking when you lost your virginity, but if you lost it.

Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what it wants?
Ziva: No. Actually I didn't.
Tony: Well it does.
Ziva: Well it shouldn't.

(Tony walks in dripping wet)
Gibbs: You go for a swim, DiNozzo?
Tony: Ah... sprinkler went off when I was digging in the trash outside. Nice timing.

Tony: Hit and run. It's a felony now, but in DiNozzo's guide to women, a way of life.
Gibbs: In this case, death.

Ziva: I am here if you would like to talk.
Tony: About what?
Ziva: I know how much you cared about her.
Tony: I'm fine Ziva.
Ziva: Alright, but I thought, maybe you needed a little cheering up.
Tony: If I needed to be cheered up I would've put super-glue on McGee's keyboard.
McGee: You put super-glue on my keyboard! (holds up hands stuck to keyboard)

Ziva: What's wrong with this picture?
McGee: Aside from Tony being here before us? And actually working?
Tony: I can hear you, you know.

Tony: (After McGee finishes explaining what he found on the Nelson's computer) Hmm, yes, try pretending that you're talking to someone who actually has sex with other humans.

Abby: (Watches the guys leave, sets Caff-Pow down) Abby has to pee (Hurries off).

Tony: If you want us to arrest you now, Nicky, that can be arranged.
Joseph: Hey now, my son ain't guilty of anything except being an idiot.

Gibbs: Our hit-and-run just became a shoot-and-scoot.

McGee: BOLO just came in. They found the car.
Tony: Ah. Hmm. Jelly donut 1. Inspector Gadget 0.