NCIS

Abby: The lock is almost virgin... it's barely been opened.

Palmer: Sorry about your weekend. Abby: Tony? Palmer: Yeah, mass email. The sender was "anonymous" but it was pretty obvious...

(about the mass spectrometer) Abby: There's a certain MIT grad that's supposed to be fixing it but he's actually making it worse. Gibbs: Sooner than later, McGee! (McGee throws down his tools in exasperation) McGee: Why don't you just hire a service tech? Abby: Well, I would, McGee, but it's Sunday. (bows her head in prayer)

Gibbs: Are you here for a reason Abs? Abby: I wanna talk dirt.

Tony: (to McGee) A long shot is you getting laid by Penelope Cruz.

(Gibbs glances at Abby's outfit, stunned.) Abby: I was at church Gibbs.

Palmer: (watching Abby try to work the kinks out of her neck) You know the inefficient flow of chi is a major source of stiffness. (Abby looks at him, interested) Oh, a silent auction item at my niece's school benefit. A weekend seminar in the art of shiatsu. Abby: Do me. Palmer: Uh, no, I showed up late. Abby: Your hands, my body now. (Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in and slaps him upside the head) Tony: What the hell are you doing, Palmer? Palmer: I, I, I... Tony: You've read the agency policy on sexual harassment, didn't you, Palmer? Palmer: It wasn't like that! Tony: It never is. Now go, you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!

(McGee is describing his first car) McGee: 84 Camaro Z28 five-speed. Tony: That's a smoking hot car, McGee! McGee: Yeah. Tony: What the hell went wrong with you? McGee: First day I got behind the wheel I had a slight... thing. Tony:(touching McGee lightly on the shoulder) Head on? McGee: I was trying to figure out the wipers. Took my eyes off the road for a second, and when I looked up, there it was, right in front of me. Tony: (wincing) Car? McGee: Bus. I got a student pass the day I got out of traction. (Tony comes over and hugs McGee in sympathy) Tony: I didn't know.

Tony: Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn't understand that I have to have my car.

Ducky: Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones The shoulder bone connected to the Neck bone, the neck bone connected to the Head bone...

Abby: He's doing it again, McGee. McGee: Mm-hmm. Tony: Doing what? Abby: You become Gibbs when he's not around. Tony: I do not. McGee: Actually, you do. Abby: The Caf-Pow, the head-slaps, turning my music off. "What do you got, Abbs?" McGee: He has been in a foul mood all day. Abby: That's another Gibbs trait. You don't quite have the stare down yet.

(as they watch Tony's car disintegrate) Gibbs: Fiberglass. Not good for boats either.

Gibbs: Here to gloat? Coleman: Actually, I happen to believe in miracles. Gibbs: Oh, really? Coleman: Yeah. Never had one happen in front of me, so figured if one did, I'd like to be standing by so I could call the Pentagon. Gibbs: Miracles take hard work, Commander.

Tony: You realize Mother Teresa would have road rage hell out there?

Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around? McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow. Abby: Go ask him. McGee: You ask him. Abby: You're the "Special Agent". McGee: No, he likes you more. Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors? McGee: On three. Abby: One.. two.. Gibbs: Something on your mind? Abby/McGee: No. Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya? Abby: No McGee: Absolutely not, no.

Ducky: What do you expect me to find? Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time. Ducky: Oh Jethro! I can spend forever finding nothing.

Tony: Massages? Abby: Many kinds. Tony: Uh. Full body? Abby: Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo. Tony: Masseuses or masseur? Abby: I go both ways. You? Tony: Only with (reading caller ID) Harris, my insurance agent. Abby: Whatever works, man.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, same clothes you wore yesterday? Tony: I buy a lot of same things, it makes mornings less stressful. (to the phone) Yeah I'm here! Gibbs: (hanging up the phone) Now you're gone.

Tony: You two are spending the weekend together. (growls)... Hold on, let me paint a picture. Kate: You're a pig!

Kate: Dunbarton, near campus. Really hope she was over 21. Tony: You'd love to know, wouldn't you? Going somewhere this weekend? Kate: Love to know, wouldn't you?

(They are walking by a red Hummer) Kate: Why don't you get one of these? Fits your personality perfectly. Loud, overbearing, politically incorrect. Tony: It is tempting Kate, but I love the car I have. Kate: Had. Too bad you're not as faithful to the woman in your life. Tony: Ha that's funny. Kate: But for your sake I hope that you and she reunite. Tony: Actually I don't know if I want her back. Kate: And why is that? Tony: She's been violated.

Tony: Boss, Lt. Commander Coleman wants to talk to you. Gibbs: Tell her I'm not here. Coleman: Why don't you tell me yourself?

Gibbs: Petty Officer Dobbs died in that uniform saving lives, Chief. Walen: Appreciate that, Agent Gibbs. Doesn't excuse taking one before he left.

Abby: First of all, you owe me big time. It took Kate and me six months to get the reservations to that spa. Gibbs: You tell me you found something, and I'll think about making it up to you. Abby: Typical man. Promise you everything until he gets what he wants. Right, McGee? McGee: Well, actually I.. Abby: Thanks, McGee.

Tony: It's not the same bus boy. My car is part of my being. Kate: It's a car, Tony. Tony: It's a classic, Kate. It's a 90 ZR1 Corvette, powerful, fast, gorgeous. Kate: In other words, it's you. Tony: Exactly.

Kate: Tony's car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work. Tony: Do you know what kind of people take the bus? McGee: Yeah, I take the bus. Tony: Exactly!

Gibbs: Any luck with Emmy psychiatrist? Kate: It's Sunday, Gibbs. Gibbs: I know. That's what everyone keeps reminding me.