NCIS Season 3 Episode 14

Abby: Either that's a coincidence or she really really wants to kill this guy.
Abby and Tony (together, imitating Gibbs): I don't believe in coincidence.

Gibbs (when Abby talked too much): Don't say that I slapped McGee for no good reason!

Gibbs: McGee, you know, the FBI doesn't exist solely to piss me off... Sometimes, they can actually be useful.

McGee: Boss, did ya find her?
Gibbs: Yes, McGee. She's hiding in my coffee cup.

Gibbs: Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny. I think it looks like a hole in the wall.

Tony: You know, this kinda reminds me of my cousin's house. Minus all the blood... unless you count that Thanksgiving back in '98.

(Tony and Ziva waiting for Gibbs to interrogate a suspect)
Tony: This is gonna be good. Gibbs'll rip this guy apart.
Ziva: I don't know if that's the right tactic in this case, Tony.
Tony: What, are you an expert on suspect interviews now?
Ziva: Interviews, no. Interrogation techniques, yes.
Tony: Hm. Like hooking a car battery up to a guy's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Ziva: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Tony: Flies.
(pause)
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies..don't like..uh..vinegar.
(pause)
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It's complicated.

Tony: It's like my father used to tell me: "be careful who you marry Anthony. You never know if they're gonna turn out to be a maniac serial killer."
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: He probably knew your taste in women.

(In Abby's Lab)
Gibbs: What about gun shot residue, Abbs?
Abby: The shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt and pants.
Gibbs: He could have worn gloves.
Abby: Or he could have changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That's why I am doing a full analysis of all of Porter's wardrobe. (Imitating Gibbs with a gruff voice) How long Abby? It's gonna take sometime and since this stuff doesn't smell very good, I don't think that laundry was a big priority... (Imitating Gibbs) Abbs! Umm… two hours, whenever I know something, you'll know something. (Imitating Gibbs) You got one. Anything else? Yes, as a matter of fact. This is for you. (Hands Gibbs a cup of coffee)
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were just about to do trust falls and some of those guys in administration have wandering hands. (Imitating Gibbs) Just give me their names and I'll break them for you! I know, Gibbs and that is why I love you. (Gibbs smiles and kisses Abby on the cheek as he leaves)

Ziva: This isn't another one of your stupid action movies Tony!
Tony: No it isn't. If it was, you be dressed differently.
Ziva: And you would be far better looking.
(McGee laughs)
Tony: (to McGee) You would be dead before the opening credits!
McGee: Did it ever occur to you that I might be the plucky comic relief?
(Gibbs enters)
Gibbs: Did you find Yoon Dawson yet, Plucky?

Gibbs: A good investigator doesn't sit back and wait. You run down every angle, every lead. Assume everything you've been told is a lie until it checks out.
McGee: Got it.
Gibbs: There's only one time I want you to stop McGee.
McGee: When you tell me.
Gibbs: When you're satisfied. When YOU'RE satisfied.
McGee: (Nodding) Okay.
(Runs off)
Gibbs: Hey!
McGee: Yeah?
Gibbs: Get me another coffee!

Tony: Damn. I can't believe this! (reading a magazine)
Ziva: I don't like standing here either, Tony.
Tony: No, Nick and Jessica broke up! I'm always the last to know.

Gibbs: There's one big difference between the two of you Ziva. (pause) You don't have a baby girl.
Ziva: Most likely part of her cover, or an occupational accident.

Gibbs: DiNozzo, shut up!
Tony: Shutting up, Boss!