NCIS Season 6 Episode 14

Kevin: (as he's being arrested) This is insane!
Tony: Unbelievably insane. And you are a psychopath! You've just leapfrogged to the top of our 'Psychopath of the Year' list.

Tony: (as Gibbs interrogates Capt. Jennings' maid) It's like I said, it's always the maid.
Ziva: No, you have always said it's the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to work in Abby's lab. But you have never once said, 'maid'!
Tony: Anyone ever tell you your memory can be a real buzz kill?

Tony: (to Jessica, Dr Daniels' assistant) So, what's a nice girl like you doing at a top secret, government counter-espionage gadget lab like this?
Jessica: Bet that sounded better in your head.
Tony: No, not really.

Ducky: Reminiscence of a rather dark period in English history. Did you know that the preferred method of punishment for treason was to be hanged, drawn and quartered? They would hang victims by the neck and they were taken from the scaffold before they could have the freedom of death and disemboweled. Just like this chap. Except unlike him they would hack them into four quarters and drag them through the streets, their heads stuck on pikestaffs.
Ziva: Nice story, Ducky.
Ducky: Well, I did say it was dark. And thankfully ancient history.
Gibbs: Not so ancient, Duck.

McGee: So much for my date tonight. Tony: Whoa, whoa... (grabs McGee's arm) What are you doing? So you're giving the psycho another chance?
McGee: Well I was, I guess now I gotta cancel.
Tony: What is that silliness? (McGee looks to where Tony is gripping his arm. Tony removes it) Sorry. Ziva and I will cover the interviews for you.
McGee: That is awfully un-Tony of you, Tony.
Tony: I'm just doing you a solid, Probie because you having a date is about as rare as me not having one.

Abby (after Gibbs reveals that her Caf-Pow! is in the fridge): I don't know how you did that and I don't care!

Ziva: You have to tell him [McGee] the truth.
Tony: Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

Ziva: He really likes her, Tony. You have to tell him.
Tony (laughs): I know. But it's actually kind of flattering... in a creepy way.
Ziva (angry): What did you think would happen?
Tony: I don't know... the flaw in the plan was the plan but I got another plan to end it.
Ziva: Which is?
Tony: You ever see Fatal Attraction?

Ziva: It is nice when a couple has so much in common. Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
Tony (huilty): Oh yeah... I was going to talk to you about that. (laughs) It's kinda funny, actually. Ah, let's see... How do I put this delicately? Umm. She... She's not real.
Ziva: You did not.
Tony: I did. I was bored. It was late. I'd just watched Weird Science. Next thing I knew I was building a fake online profile and IM-ing with McGee.

Tony: Carla.
McGee: Claire.
Tony: Whatever, enjoy it while it lasts; women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?
McGee: Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.
Tony (offended): That's low, Probie.
McGee (unfazed): Oh, and not to loan your friends money- you still owe me 40 bucks.
Tony (worked-up): Don't change the subject... What are you talking about?