NCIS Season 1 Episode 12

Kate: You should have seen Gibbs with Melissa.
Tony: He threatened to shoot her?
Kate: Just the opposite, he was flirting with her. I didn't think he had it in him.
Tony: Well he had it in him at some point. He has been married three times. All red heads!
Kate: But Melissa is a red head.
Tony: That explains it.
Kate: So is that women who picks him up now and then. Who is she?
Tony: Not a clue.

(looking at a tree outside Melissa Dorn's house)
Kate: What's wrong?
Gibbs: Do you know what kind of tree this is?
Kate: Botany was my weakest subject.
Gibbs: Sycamore.

Gibbs: (to Tony and Kate) Got humpty dumpty back together again?

Kate: Still no head or left leg.
Abby: Did you check Hooterville?
Tony: Where's Hooterville?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.

Kate: (about Gibbs) Three redheaded ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.

Receptionist: Can I help you?
Tony: (pouring on the charm) I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh... (leans in very close to read her name tag) Darlene.
Receptionist: (melting) Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.

Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See, you do get me.

Tony: I do believe the die is cast however. Your parents, grandparents live to be old so will you.
Gibbs: I had an aunt who died at seven.
Tony: Just a theory.

Melissa: Do you like cats?
Gibbs: They don't like me.
Melissa: How can you know?
Gibbs: At the way the look at me.

Gibbs: Time of death?
Ducky: From a leg? I tell you what, Gibbs - you find me a liver in that leg and I'll estimate you a time of death.

Melissa: You know Chinese. Any other hidden talents I should know about?
Gibbs: I can sample the frosting on a cake without leaving a fingerprint.

Abby: Cremation! That's a dead end!
(Tony, Kate and Gibbs look at her)
Abby: What?!

Tony: Six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime? Come on, don't tense up. Starts with "M."
Kate: Murder.
Tony: No. "Motive".
Kate: Murder is a motive.
Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six-letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What have you got?

Gibbs: Keys.
Tony: What? I can't drive because Kate's chicken?
Kate: I'm not a chicken.
Gibbs: You can't drive because you're not going.
Tony: Oh. That's different. Why aren't I going?
Gibbs: Because you're going to be doing a background check on Melissa Dorn. Kate, you coming?
(Kate leaves)
Tony: Abs, do you know where Kate has her tat?
Abby: Yep.

Tony: That's it, isn't it? The tattoo's a heart.
Kate: We're back on that again.
Tony: I just can't imagine you getting a tattoo, that's all.
Kate: I was drunk.
Tony: I can't imagine you drunk either. So...
Kate: It is not a heart. It's a rose on my butt. Can we move on now?
Tony: Sure.
Kate: So we are done with this then.
Tony: We are done. So, which cheek is it on?

Ducky: Abby!
Abby: Ducky!
Ducky: Find anything?
Abby: Nothing yet. I'll tell you one thing, though. This guy had huge feet. I could wear this sock as a leg warmer.
Ducky: What are you implying, Abby?
Abby: I'm not implying anything. But you know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Ducky: What?
Abby: They're clowns.

Abby: I liked that commercial where the guy put super glue on his hard hat and then glued his head to the beam and hung there. I tried that with my little brother.
Ducky: I sense this anecdote doesn't have a storybook ending.
Abby: It does if you like your stories to end with bald seven year olds. He still gets mad when I call him Kojak.

Gibbs: What's wrong?
Abby: Look at it.
Gibbs: Looks like a match.
Abby: Precisely.
Gibbs: Good work, Abby.
Abby: No, it's not! You gave me 2 samples form the same tree. B matched and A didn't. I screwed up.
Gibbs: Sycamore A was from a tree down the street.
Abby: What?!
Gibbs: The idea of matching plant DNA was a bit...hinky for me!
Abby: Oh, ye of little faith!
Gibbs: Abby, c'mon! All I did was give you a blind test!
Abby: Well, you could've done that by not telling me which sample was from the suspect's sycamore!
Gibbs: I didn't think of that.
(Abby whacks him)

Tony: It's perfectly normal.
Kate: On a race track, maybe.
Tony: Women will never understand taking a little car ride and trying to beat your best time.
Abby: I hate it when men do that.
Tony: See, this is a woman thing.
Gibbs: How did you do?
Tony: Pretty good. Beat my time by four minutes, including construction detours.
Gibbs: In HARMONY.

Tony: C'mon, Kate, you're only going ten miles over the limit!
Kate: And that's pushing it!
Tony: What's the point of being an armed federal agent if you can't drive fast?
Kate: You get to shoot bad guys.
Tony: True.

Tony: I don't get the whole tattoo thing.
Kate: Let me add that to the ever growing list of things you don't get.
Tony: Being stuck with a needle a thousand times for a piece of artwork? No, thank you.
Kate: It's more than artwork, Tony.
Tony: On a woman, maybe.
Kate: What?!
Tony: You know, on a woman. Means she's up for anything.
Kate: Abby's got tattoos.
Tony: No comment.
Kate: Okay, what about me? You think I'm up for anything?
Tony: You don't have a tat.
Kate: And if I did, that would just blow your theory to h-ll now, wouldn't it.
Tony: Okay, say for a minute, I believe you got one. Where is it?
Kate: Nowhere you will ever see.