NCIS Season 2 Episode 16

McGee (walks in on Abby and Palmer superglued together): Palmer, what the hell are you doing!

Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.
McGee: He is? Cool.

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal.
Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death.
Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination.
Gibbs: Ducky...
Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him) Moving on...

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...
Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?
Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.

Jade: Who are you? Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?
Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.
Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein ad.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is!
Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations.
Tony: Which would be tattling!
Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling!
Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy.
Kate: You're so juvenile!
Tony: Am not.
Kate: Are so!
Tony: Am not!
Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky.
Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs?
Kate: Ugh...
Ducky: Good point.
Kate: We thought of McGee.
Tony: But, we have no respect for him.
Kate: And then we thought of you!
Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby.
Tony: Well, we just came from there.
Kate: She turned us down.
Ducky: Oh.

Tony: I didn't think you would notice!
Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!
Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.
Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!
Tony: See you just said it was sharing!
Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.
Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.
Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.
McGee: I used to work at a bank.
Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another.
Tony: I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested.
Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning....

Kate: Why bulldog?
McGee: I don't know.
Tony: Bulldog bites you in the ass and never lets go.

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

(talking about the bouncers at the club)
Tony: Gosh, those guys were big. Big, big, big, big!

Gibbs: Paranoid.
Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Gibbs: McGee!
McGee: Yeah boss.
Gibbs: Locals think it was a hit-and-run, what about you?
McGee: Me? Um... Me... Uh...
Tony: Answer the man, probie!

Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right.

(After Abby gets the picture and Tony keeps staring at the stripper.)
Gibbs: I'm watching you DiNozzo.
Tony: Just being thorough boss.

(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with the music)
Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women.
Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counselling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look)
Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Tony: Maybe she has a funky side. We all have a funky side. Except Kate. (Kate elbows him) And you boss. You don't have a funky side, I'm sure.

Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.

Ducky: It's prohibitively expensive and rarely works.
Gibbs: So is marriage.