NCIS

McGee (walks in on Abby and Palmer superglued together): Palmer, what the hell are you doing!

Abby: You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now. McGee: He is? Cool.

Ducky: The knife missed her vital organs so the wound, in and of itself, was not fatal. Gibbs: She didn't bleed to death. Ducky: Exactly. Her body contained four liters of blood, so there was no exsanguination. Gibbs: Ducky... Ducky: I'm sorry, it's such a lovely word, exsanguination, I can't help saying it. (laughs nervously as Gibbs just looks at him) Moving on...

Tony: Twinkle Toes, Candy Pants, stay behind your mom here.

Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking... Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story? Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.

Jay: Who are you? Tony: Same as Kate. Well not exactly.

Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that? Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: (To Witness) Look, there is always something you remember about every woman, something you'll remember in twenty years time... something small and subtle... a piece of jewelry, a laugh... a smell.
Kate: Ugh, I feel like I've died and woke up in a Calvin Klein ad.

Ducky: (To Kate and Tony) We need to look a little deeper. There is clearly a latent sibling rivalry here, being expressed by your adolescent and sexually-charged bickering. It all stems from a desperate desire to please a father figure, and I think we all know who that is! Kate: What has this got to do with my tuna fish sandwich?

Kate: We need a mediator Ducky or I'm going to have to go to Employee Relations. Tony: Which would be tattling! Kate: No, Employee Relations is not tattling! Tony: It's the adult version of I'm telling mummy. Kate: You're so juvenile! Tony: Am not. Kate: Are so! Tony: Am not! Kate: We need an unofficial mediator Ducky. Ducky: Well, did you try Gibbs? Kate: Ugh... Ducky: Good point. Kate: We thought of McGee. Tony: But, we have no respect for him. Kate: And then we thought of you! Ducky: I see, third on the short list. Well, at least I beat out Abby. Tony: Well, we just came from there. Kate: She turned us down. Ducky: Oh.

Tony: I didn't think you would notice! Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices! Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing. Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch! Tony: See you just said it was sharing! Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity. Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another. Abby: That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank. McGee: I used to work at a bank. Abby: Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony: Little miss tighty pants here blows it out of proportion.

Gibbs: (to suspect) You went home with one woman and woke up with another. Tony: I hate it when that happens...

Gibbs: I need the condoms tested. Abby: Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning....

Kate: Why bulldog? McGee: I don't know. Tony: Bulldog bites you in the ass and never lets go.

Abby: (about stripper) Wow Kate! How'd you get her to do that?

(talking about the bouncers at the club) Tony: Gosh, those guys were big. Big, big, big, big!

Gibbs: Paranoid. Tony: Sounds like someone I know.

Tony: Are you done yet? (Standing over McGee, eating a cookie. Wipes crumbs off of McGee's head)

Gibbs: McGee! McGee: Yeah boss. Gibbs: Locals think it was a hit-and-run, what about you? McGee: Me? Um... Me... Uh... Tony: Answer the man, probie!

Tony: (after Gibbs takes the last cookie) That's so not right.

(After Abby gets the picture and Tony keeps staring at the stripper.) Gibbs: I'm watching you DiNozzo. Tony: Just being thorough boss.

(Tony watching a singer/dancer at the club, nodding his head up and down with the music) Gibbs: Tony stop jumping up and down. We can't see.

Willie: I dunno about you, but I've slept with a lot of women. Tony: I wouldn't know anything about that Willy, I'm a Mormon.

Ducky: I'm flattered that you would entrust your relationship to me. It will be rather like.... marriage counselling. (smiles, Tony and Kate give a look) Tony: Oh, let's not use those words.

Tony: Maybe she has a funky side. We all have a funky side. Except Kate. (Kate elbows him) And you boss. You don't have a funky side, I'm sure.

Gibbs: Are you done? Tony: Almost. Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options. Tony: Done.

Ducky: It's prohibitively expensive and rarely works. Gibbs: So is marriage.